Feeling Alone In Your Relationship?

Stop Feeling Alone In Your Relationship
Happy Young Couple

I know what it’s like to be feeling alone in your relationship.  I experience that when I’m afraid.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t talk openly and freely with my partner.  I become afraid that if I share what is going on inside that I will lose my relationship.  As the pain and disconnection becomes worse I finally realize my truths again:

  • That I don’t want my relationship if that is how it is going to be and become open to change.
  • I often base my expectations of his reactions on reactions I’ve seen from other people in the past.  For example: my mother shared something with my father and he was explosively angry.  My partner is not explosive – ever – and I forget that.
  • I guess what his reaction will be when I really don’t know what it will be.  I really like the solution Cynthia has given in Step 3.
  • I underestimate the power of our love and commitment to each other.  Usually, once we’ve talked in a positive way, when we’ve both seen each others point of view, we are able to work things out win-win.

I read this and just had to share!  If you’re feeling alone in your relationship use this process please let me know how it worked for you.  I prescribe similar things but I love how Cynthia has laid it out.

Experiencing Intimacy: Overcoming The Aloneness In Your Relationship

By Cynthia Belmer

Our intimate relationship with our significant other is a mirror of how we feel about ourselves and in life in general. Many of us face challenges opening up to our partners and talking about things that scare us the most in the relationship. When we are in this situation, a feeling of disconnection arises, and the mind makes a list of judgments of why we should keep some strict boundaries with our loved one. Little do we know how much we are damaging our relationship and how we are giving so much more power to our fear of intimacy.

A fear of Intimacy, often brings us to a situation where we get taken over by our emotions such as anger, feeling resentful for not getting what we need, being scared of getting hurt over and over again and being attached that we are right. Many just give up working through these challenges and walk away from the relationship, some others continue on sabotaging and pushing their loved one away. What we miss to realize is that the only way out from feeling stuck in this emotional disconnection is to turn towards the pain instead of turning away. Knowing that it is okay to be vulnerable with our partner and choosing to let them understand our pain without being scared of losing ourselves.

This moment of awareness brings us to the state of experiencing freedom, fearlessness and becoming a brave warrior: When we look at the problem or fear and move towards and beyond it; when we sit with it until we become so familiar and comfortable with it; when we talk about it openly and let our partner understand how we feel, let him/her help us and be there for us. Being intimate with ourselves through our emotions and fears, we allow ourselves to experience being fully human and we provide space for our partner to be closer to our heart and part of our lives.

So, if you are someone who is facing challenges opening up to your partner, below are some steps that might help you initiating an open and loving conversation:

Step 1: Meditate on the problem you are facing

Think through your problem first. Sit with your feeling and try to understand it a little bit deeper (If you are having hard time understanding it, that’s okay, it’s very normal and eventually you’ll get there). Try to understand what comes up for you in terms of feelings, emotions and write them down without any judgment.

Step 2: Understand why it is important for you to tell your partner about your feelings

This step is very important because it identifies the problem and helps you understand your wants and your needs.

Step 3: Use your imagination positively

Take a moment and visualize how would it feel like to have told your partner about this problem. What beautiful feelings come up in your heart? Where do you feel it in your body? Write your visualization, your feelings and read them over and over again.

Step 4: Schedule an official meeting

Send a meeting invitation to your partner and mention that you need their full attention. I found this to work really well especially to get the partner’s attention and to get them to be fully present.

Step 5: Ask for your needs

Before you discuss the topic, tell your partner how important it is for you to feel supported and heard during the meeting. Check-in with them to see if this is something they feel they can do. The answer is 99% of the time is yes or I will try!

Step 6: Turn your focus towards your heart and discuss the problem

Talk about what is going on whether it was in your life or in your relationship. What is your heart feeling? What does he need? If this is something related to your relationship, focus only on how you feel and not on all the things that are going wrong or the mistakes that the person is making. Remember, the meeting is about YOU!

Step 7: Request your wants

“Ask” your partner to show care and affection when you are done talking and state
how you would like to them to help you in this journey. What do you really want from them? What do you need to feel better?

Being close to our partner is so warming, loving and peaceful that it’s hard sometimes to navigate through a problem that keeps us distant. Turning towards our pain and fear does not mean that it will be very easy for us to open up, but it’s a step closer to find a way in towards our relationship instead of a way out. This is the pathway towards inner freedom, unconditional love and being a human being fully and naturally. Otherwise, we will keep pushing intimacy away over and over again until we finally surrender.


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Couples Sex Coaching For Pleasure Session Part One

couples sex coaching

How do you (and your partner) know if you’re ready for couples sex coaching?  If you’ve had fantasies and curiosities for a long time and haven’t been able to move forward.  If you wan to add a little zing to your sex life – to spice things up.  If otherwise things are terrific but you would like a distraction from the everyday grind – an you want to be distracted together.

In preparation for a couples session I find out how long you’ve been together, what your current relationship is like, if you’ve discussed all the various foreseeable outcomes of our time together and a short sexual history for each of you.  We trouble shoot in advance the main issues that could crop up as a result of working with me and how to deal with them.  We do this via email.

Although it’s ideal to work with me for a series of sessions, many of my clients come in from out of town and can only see me once.  Over the next week or so I will be sharing the process I recently went through with a couple that worked with me recently.

Couples Sex Coaching Session

I get to the room and introduce myself and talk a bit about my week and my background to set the tone of friendliness and support.  Through discussion with her I determine her true level of comfort – up until that point I had only interacted with the husband through email.  I explain my boundaries and goals for the session.  I make sure she knows this session is about them and their pleasure, not mine.  I will be interactive only to their comfort level and at any time that could increase or decrease and that is okay.  We will have constant communication throughout the session to check in on how they are feeling and let that be our guide.

I explain to them that there are several reasons that bringing in a professional is a great choice:

  1. By having a session you are putting your experience into a container that has a beginning and an end.  Afterward, you can review what you liked and didn’t like and there’s not a lingering question of whether the experience was complete or not.
  2. You won’t be worried about any emotional romantic issues coming back to haunt your marriage.
  3. It’s a more relaxing situation than trying to pick somebody up in the bar and not knowing what you’re going to get – what their skill level is sexually or what their motives are.
  4. Whatever pleasure I give to one partner the other partner gets the credit for it.

We review their interests as a couple.  He loves massage and all touch so he will be getting a full body sensual rubdown.  Then they want to review different handjob and blowjob techniques.  For her turn she wants to be pleasured.  She’s never “been with a woman” before and this has been a very exciting idea for the two of them.

 Other Resources

Want to learn more about erotic massage?  Visit one of the following sites for detailed instructional videos.




Between The Sheets – 50 Shades Of Grey & Spanking

I am super excited to be home:)  I was on the east coast for a week and I came home with a little cold.  I’m finally feeling good and getting back to work bringing you tips and tricks for more satisfaction in the bedroom!

One of the ways you can access me and my expertise for free is by listening to my weekly radio show, “Between The Sheets” which I co-host with my husband Drew.  We talk about a variety of topics all around sex and sexuality.

Now that I am back to work one of my projects is catching up on show descriptions. Here is a recent one.  Click one of the red buttons to listen to the recording:)

This show got of to an exciting start since we were having an in studio party.  We talk about

  • The book “50 Shades Of Grey” and how it can benefit your sex life.
  • How kids can be a distraction from your intimacy.
  • Touch starvation and how getting massage can win brownie points for your spouse.
  • How doing things like changing your hair color or applying a temporary tattoo can spice things up.
  • The importance of feedback and communication in love making.
  • The benefits of sexological bodywork.
  • Detailed instructions on sensual spanking.

The next live show will be tomorrow (Saturday) at 8pm PST.
To listen live go to LVRocks.com

This week we’ll be talking a little bit more about the book “50 Shades Of Grey” and the highlights of my recent trip to New York City.  One of them is my first time at an Asian Massage Parlor!

Reply back if you have any questions or comments that you would like to me go over on my show.

Stay Sexy,


Have More Sex

Hear the audio version of this topic for $.99  It’s just over 10 minutes and packed with insights.

You can listen to the entire hour of radio this audio was cut from for free.

7/14/2012 Push play download the show.

I use generalizations for the sake of simplicity.  Please listen to the beginning of the 7-14/12 show for my explanation of this.

Men usually say they either don’t have sex problems because they’re not getting any sex or their biggest sex problem is that they don’t get enough sex.

Most men want more.  If you’re getting it once a week you want it every day, if you’re getting it every day you want it 3 times a day.  Many men may feel like they’re not getting sex even if they’re having frequent intercourse because it’s not the kind they want.

What is it costing you to not have enough sex?  Your good attitude – you’re usually irritable, grumpy and angry when you are dissatisfied.  You feel an underlying sense of  frustration because you are suppressing your own sex drive and denying your own sexual development.  Maybe it’s costing you money and productivity because you can’t focus at work.  Maybe it’s destroying your marriage because your main love language is physical touch and since you’re not receiving that you are feeling alone, alienated and depressed.  Maybe you are to the point where you are questioning the meaning of life because you aren’t free to express yourself and the burden is too oppressive.

Just because your spouse is becoming asexual does not mean you have to.  Your sexuality can keep developing with or without your spouse.

The easiest way to start having more sex is to improve your masturbation practice, developing the relationship you want with yourself and making it more satisfying than simply jacking off and releasing as quickly as possible.  Stop using it as just another activity to fill and pass time like watching TV or playing video games.  Get in a relationship with yourself and your sexuality.  Explore yourself and decrease your dependence on partner sex.  You will also get more relief and satisfaction by being your own best lover than you will by ejaculation alone.

This is for you if you are in a sexless marriage and you want to be a “good husband” and a “good father” (I’m talking to those that subscribe to social norms and monogamous ideals).

What have you done to overcome this problem?  Maybe you’ve gone to your wife/spouse but you’ve experienced rejection.  Eventually you will stop approaching your spouse because you don’t want to keep getting the rejection – the pain of being rejected over and over.  So then you move on to stuffing your desires, downplaying and ignoring them, redirecting  your focus to your business, the kids, the house, doing projects, getting involved in church or any number of other activities else.

These will work for a little while but the time comes when there is a growing need and urgency to fill a hole.  Eventually these men end up going to Ashley Madison and having an affair or hiring a professional sex worker like an escort or getting a massage with a happy ending.  This is not necessarily right or wrong  But for most men this is not in alignment with the rest of their beliefs – that is how intense this need is – they are willing to compromise all they believe in about marriage, loyalty, monogamy and fatherhood for sexual satisfaction.

You need to figure out a way to talk to your spouse that isn’t simply telling your wife she needs to service you.  You have to approach it from their point of view and what is important to them.  Almost with a sales point of view.  Ask yourself “What is in it for them?” and “What is she going to get out of it?”

Women want to have better sex.  So there’s not a lot in it for them if they’re not climaxing, or if they’re too tired, or maybe it hurts, or she doesn’t feel sexy… whatever the reason, the payoff isn’t big enough for her to have more sex.  The man’s need for more sex is just like the need from the kids for dinner – it’s another  thing on their to-do list, another responsibility, another energy drain.

You have to think of her needs and wants.  Most of the time she wants a break.  Surveys have shown that when the guy is doing more chores around the house he is sexier to the wife.  So the guy either has to do some chores or have to hire someone to do some of them.  If not then servicing her hubby is another chore on the list.

So how are you going to make it worth her time?  By improving your skills when it comes to pleasure, communication and romance.  You have to get into communication with your spouse to find out what will make it worth her time – what will be a big enough payoff for her to actually fuck you more often.

50 Shades Of Grey – Discussion

I am passionate about great sex and my mission is to help people have more frequent and better quality sex.  I’ve known for years that there are many people suffering silently from lack of intimacy and the amazing success of the book Fifty Shades Of Grey proves it.

What makes me say this?


Here is an erotic fantasy that went mainstream and everybody is reading it and talking about it.  This is finally an acceptable way for massive numbers of women to consume erotica.  Women who would normally never touch Penthouse Letters let alone internet pornography were given a socially acceptable way to explore some bit of sexuality.

Being an expert on sex and intimacy I am available to support you in spicing up your sex life (or turning it a shade of grey hahahaha).

Get a copy of the book and join in the conversation!

For those in Las Vegas, I started a new meetup group!


Travel | Sex | Intimacy

Summer is in full swing (June 20th or 21st is the
official first day of summer depending on the website
you look at) and for a lot of people that means travel.

If you’d like to share your thoughts on travel &
sex / intimacy please do and you’ll get a thank you
gift from me:)


I’ll be covering this topic on Saturday night at 8pm PST
on my radio show “Between The Sheets”.

between the sheets

I personally enjoy traveling and am planning on doing
more of it during the second half of the year.
Let me know if you want me to come to your city since
I will follow where business takes me:)
I already know I’ll be in LA during the second weekend
of August to speak at the New You Event
(save $398 when you use my code – the word sexy)
that will be all about health, wealth and relationships.

sex travel

Right now I’m planning a personal trip and for the
first time I’m actually taking sex and intimacy into
account for the trip. In the past I just left it up to chance
and sometimes it happened and sometimes it didn’t.

We usually travel on the cheap staying with friends
and family which I love but sometimes that can infringe
on sexy time since we didn’t want to be too loud or
get interrupted.

Of course, there’s almost zero chance of sexy time
happening on a trip when we bring my daughter
since we share a room and …
well, sometimes she’s a light sleeper.

blue balls

This short trip is the first time hubby and I are traveling
without her in years and I’m starting to research a bit
about the night life of San Diego.  Although we’ll be
busy during the day we might try to check out a swingers
club at night if we have energy:)

Recent private lessons have been amazing!

Couples traveling to Las Vegas on their vacations have
been having private lessons with me on a variety of topics:

  • How to help her enjoy anal penetration
  • How to find her g-spot
  • How to give a better blow job
  • How to incorporate power exchange (Dominant and submissive)
  • How to find his prostate
  • How to massage his cock
  • Tease and denial for him

If you are interested in a lesson/session send me an
email with your interest.  Sessions start at $300 and
educational packages are available at a discount.

I look forward to reading about your travel practices and
giving lots of thank you gifts!

Again, the link to take the survey is


Make It A Sexy Day,

This me in front of Cesar’s Palace after a couples appointment:)

Nikki at Cesar's



Father’s Day 2012

Father’s day is this weekend and on Saturday’s show, “Between The Sheets”, the topic will be two-fold.

During the first part of the show Drew and I will be talking about how becoming a dad affects sex, sexuality and intimacy.  Many people experience new obstacle to manifesting their fantasies and sometimes lose site of them forever.  Others find their private time all that much sweeter since they get less of it.  We’ll share how having a daughter affected us and how we overcame our obstacles.

During the second part of the show we will be talking about Daddy Role-Play.

Do you like to be called Daddy?  If so, is it because  of power exchange or role play?  Or the taboo nature of it?  Does your partner enjoy it?  If one likes it and the other doesn’t how do you work things out in the bedroom?

We’ll be exploring these questions as we share our personal preferences and practices with you:)

I’d love to include your thoughts and opinions and will even give you a sweet Father’s day present for participating in my quick surveyClick here to take it.  You can listen live on Saturday night at 7pm PST by visiting LVRocks.com

You can download the June 9th show to hear about first times, cherries and anal cleanliness:)  Just click the play button below.


Great Anal Massage In 10 Steps

Before you begin read through all the directions.

Items you will need:

• Oil- olive, hemp or grapeseedare good choices

• Towels

Optional items:

• Enema – like this one necessary if either the giver or receiver is concerned about a mess

Finger Cots– helpful for an added cleanliness measure and eliminates any concern about rough fingers and sharp nails

• Anal toys- good for prolonged sessions and more intense pressure.  Click here for a ton of ideas.

• Pillows – to prop up the pelvis or a wedge pillow like this one

10 Steps (for graphic how-to videos please visit NikkisLessons.com)

1. Have the receiver lay face down. Start with massaging the lower back, glutes, backs of the thighs and the place where the thighs meet the groin.

2. Once those areas are warmed up and relaxed begin to massage the area in between the butt cheeks. Use lots of oil. Gently explore and massage the tail bone all the way down to the tip of it. Explore the area below the anus. See if you can find the sit bones and massage all around them.

3. With your non-dominant hand, reach forward under the receiver to massage the genitals. Continue to use lots of oil for this as well. For improved accessibility have the receiver lift their butt into the air or place a couple of pillows under their pelvis.

a. For women, follow the tips for vaginal massage.
b. For men, if their penis is flexible enough, you can pull it down so it is pointing in the same direction as the legs and feet. Then you can massage and stimulate the penis and testicles without reaching. It is easier to get the erection going and keep it up during the rest of anal play because sometimes when there is increase pressure on the prostate it is harder for the penis to become erect.

4. Finally, begin to massage the pucker of the anus. You will be able to tell if the muscle is clenched or not. If it is clenched and firm do not proceed any deeper until you feel it relaxing. If you are concerned about cleanliness or accidentally hurting the receiver with your finger nails wear a finger cot.

a. Discomfort is normal as the receiver becomes accustomed to the pressure but there should never be any sharp pains. If there are immediately freeze and/or withdraw your finger. Sharp pains are a warning that damage is being done.
b.  If the receiver is very nervous or has never gotten beyond this point experiment with Anal Relaxing Spray and Anal Relaxing Lube.  These products contain organic and/or herbal ingredients that will relax the nerves in the area but not numb it.  Avoid numbing products because the receiver won’t know if they’re being hurt or if it feels good.

5. As you run your finger tip with firm pressure down from the tail bone toward the anus with you palm facing down you will feel a point where you finger will be able to naturally slide in. At this point your finger will be pointing toward the belly button or the heart of the receiver. Gently press in a little bit. Then pull out and get more lube on your finger tip from the surrounding area. Push it into the anus a little further. Continue this process gradually lubricating the anal passage more and deeper with every stroke.

6. Once your finger is reaching in as deep as the second knuckle your finger tip will now be poking into the exit of the large intestine. Curl your finger down and explore the front of the area.

a. For women, this will begin to stimulate their vaginal wall. The deeper stimulation may even reach her vaginal g-spot. While anal stimulation alone can be very exciting for women, most often it will greatly intensify vaginal stimulation.
b. For men, keep reaching deeper and exploring the front of the area. Although this is deeper on some men than others, you will usually find the prostate once your whole finger is in. It will feel like a strawberry or walnut. Apply firm pressure and ask the receiver if he can feel it and if it feels good. Experiment with circular strokes all around it and strokes running up and down. He may like one more than the other of both just the same.

7. When the anus is relaxed and opened up you can gradually increase the in and out motion of your finger until you are finger fucking the anus. If the receiver is enjoying this, slowly work a second finger in following the same steps as the first. The number of fingers you can get in depends on the receiver, how open they are mentally and how often you practice.

8. At this point you can stay with it as long as the receiver likes. You may want the receiver to change positions and lay on their back so you can engage them with eye contact and give them a greater variety of genital stimulation.

9. If they want more you can either keep adding fingers (some people even graduate up to a whole hand which is called fisting – the fist is actually not formed until the entire hand is in past the anus up to the wrist) or move on to toys. For more on anal toys check out that section.

10. When you are complete with anal play wash up with lots of warm water and soap.


Couples Sex Exploration And Experience

Or as I like to say “Sexploration & Sexperience”

Today was very successful for my couple.  They were only in town for 2 days so we did a 5 hour intensive.

The outcome was

  • Lots of communication gaps were filled in and we discussed different personality/communication styles.  I recommended the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman to her.  Since he is an entrepreneur and is more familiar with personality types I recommended he review the DISC personality types – Him being a high DI and her being a full S and take the responsibility of applying what he knows about that kind of thing to this relationship.  Here are some books about the DISC behavioral model you can check out.
  • She was able to overcome (or begin to overcome) her negative beliefs.  We talked about how she gets to choose what to believe and how if something is making her feel bad she can choose to change it and feel better about it.  We talked about how to do that.  I walked through that process myself with my mentor Shelby Collinge.  Yes, fear and shame can be paralyzing.  Walking through it and finding the freedom and truth inside is a-freakin-mazing!
  • He learned the basics of massage and sensual massage.  You can see my videos about that here.  More will be coming soon.
  • We found her g-spot.  Yes, after 20+ years of marriage they were both unsure of the exact location.  I think her orgasms will be going to the next level now!
  • We covered some basic bondage techniques.  I showed him a chest harness and told him to look up twistedmonk.com to learn more about erotic rope bondage and to get a starter kit.  Then we played with clothes pins and clamps;)
  • He improved his spanking technique – there is a way to do it that stimulates the entire groin!
  • They learned how to make anal sex enjoyable.  I taught them the techniques I use in this video.
  • My male partner came about half way through the session and we were did some demonstration and he shared his experience about his sexual growth.
  • We developed a plan to keep the communication and kink going once they get home:)

I am so grateful and honored to have had this experience with them.  I let them know they could email me if they had any follow up questions and if they liked my style of working with them and they wanted ongoing mentoring I would love to work with them via phone and email for a reasonable fee.

If you are interested in a 5 hour intensive please contact me.

email: Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com
phone: 888.217.6712