There are some very specific things you can do to be clean and safe with anal play and using sex toys.
First, the anus:
- Always use lots of soap and warm water especially in the anal area.
- Using soap and your finger clean just inside the anus around the rim.
- Disinfectant wipes are a quick way to clean in a hurry.
- Perform an enema to take your cleanliness to the next level.
- Use a barrier (a glove for finger play, a dental dam, condom cut open or glove cut open for oral play a.k.a. analingus) to prevent bacteria transfer.
Second, sex toys:
- For sex toys use a toy cleaner for best results. You can also use rubbing alcohol.
- For fastest clean up and to ensure you are not coming in contact with any old germs, use a condom over your toy.
Having sex – and anal sex in particular – can get very messy. That is part of the fun for most people! The naughty factor and the possibility of making a mess can create excitement. Some people do even like to play with excrement – it is called scat play or brown showers. For me that is a hard boundary (something I won’t do no matter what) since nothing about poo is sexy to me. What is sexy is the intense sensations I can give and receive by stimulating the anus just right.
I’ve addressed cleanliness in this article because that is often the first concern a person has who is considering exploring anal pleasure. We think of the scene from Zack and Miri Make a Porno where the porn actress is getting penetrated anally and loses control of her bowels. That is hype and was made up to be funny. While anal penetration can be messy I’ve never experienced or heard of anything near that happen in real life.
Whenever you are stimulating the anal area in addition to cleanliness always keep in mind how sensitive it is. Be very gentle until more is requested. Once the anus muscled have relaxed, more vigorous stimulation can be applied as long as there is sufficient lubricant. If you enjoy anal play and want to continuously increase the level of pleasure you can take consider using a butt plug. By using a butt plug for short periods on a regular basis you will be more able to enjoy anal play.
Many men ask me if their interest in anal play means they’re homosexual or bisexual. The answer is NO! There are several reasons anal play is pleasurable.
- Pressure in that area is naturally pleasurable… it’s important that we enjoy having bowel movements, right?
- The prostate can receive direct stimulation which can be much more intense.
- Some men like to be submissive and just receive the pleasure/abuse. In a long term relationship this can be a positive part of role play or power exchange.
Whether you are male or female, follow these suggestions and your anal experience will be a pleasurable one.
Click Here to do some online shopping for toy cleaner, lube and toys;)
I recently read a terrific article written by Christine Webber, a psychotherapist in the UK. The article is terrific and deserves to be read in its entirety.
For those pressed for time here is a short synopsis followed my opinion and experience.
- If you can’t climax on demand you are normal. Lighten up on yourself and ignore pop culture.
- Attitudes and medical open mindedness have come a long way and we now know that all women can climax if the circumstances are right.
- The age of 18 is a common time for women to experience their first orgasm.
- Masturbation is a good way to learn how to climax.
- Make sure you are communicating effectively with your partner.
- Vibrators and sex aids can help a woman climax faster.
- By the time the average woman is 30+ years old she can easily reach climax.
- There are different types of orgasms – clitoral, vaginal and g-spot. Most important is that you enjoy your orgasm.
- It’s unusual to achieve simultaneous orgasm with your partner unless you are employing manual stimulation and your partner has some orgasm control on his end.
- The ability to have multiple orgasms increases with age.
- Women can still achieve orgasm after menopause.
- Men can help by being relaxed, sensual, oral and communicative.
- Practice, practice, practice!
My Opinion and Experience
By knowing how to make myself reach orgasm sex is much more pleasurable and satisfying; however, my body does not always co-operate and learning to enjoy the journey is just as important as reaching the destination. Often working to reach orgasm is high pressure, even if it is just me pressuring myself to do it. I have had clients who have a hard time reaching orgasm during sex and if they use a vibrator while masturbating they may be less sensitive to other stimulation. They either need to decrease their reliance on the vibrator or learn how to incorporate it into their sex sessions.
For sexual gratification, self knowledge is most important followed by your partner’s knowledge. That’s why communication is so important and is the component I stress the most with clients. It’s great to have 2 goals. One is to find out how to make her climax effectively and the other is to improve his stamina and orgasm control. These goals work together and progress on one supports progress on the other. The best thing to do is practice, practice, practice and enjoy journey.
My guy (like most) is almost always ready for sex. I (like many women) am not. My sexual energy is often being redirected toward my business and other responsibilities and at the end of the day if I’m too tired I know I can put sex off ’til tomorrow.
A very interesting thing happened as we drove to our destination for our family spring vacation. I realized that I wouldn’t have sex on tap since my daughter would be in the same hotel room. All of a sudden I wanted it – simply because I couldn’t have it without getting creative. This made for a very fun vacation since we were able to flirt and tease each other and I knew that we would have time to let the anticipation build.
The one time we finally did have a chance to get intimate during our trip and the time upon returning home was more intense because of the build up. Here are some tips to re-create this scenario:
- Put yourself in a situation where you know you can’t have sex for at least 3 days. Not even solo love:)
- Make it playful… flirt and tease during this time of abstinence.
- Have a change of scenery – whether that’s a hotel room or a different room in the house. Different locations can have different energy.
Let me know how it goes:)
Do you feel any excitement stirring in your gut about new possibilities
or maybe pain in your gut from irritations of things not done
and projects not started?
I know I have both!
I have soooo many things I want to do and at the same time I am
remembering new years resolutions I made just 4 months ago
that only lasted 3 weeks.
There are other things that I have stuck to and WOW are those things exciting!
One is my position as The AdventureSex Mentor. I have put some
new content on my site and prepared my first big event.
I am so stinkin’ excited!
As for the resolutions/goals I made at the beginning of the year
I know that I was either not in alignment with them or it was not the
right time for them to manifest. Now I am re-evaluation those to see if I should re-commit.
My question for you is did you make any goals around relationships
or sexuality? If you are in a relationship with a significant other did you
evaluate where you were and where you wanted to be? And if so, did you
have an action plan or break down the goal into bite size pieces to
make sure you had progress? Did you talk to you partner and
agree on these together?
Also, whether you are in a relationship or not, did you have any fantasies or
desires when it came to performance or experiences? I know a lot of people end up
using their sexual needs as a distraction from daily life and feel guilty
about pursuing them and only turn to them as a break from the day to day grind.
Then, we feel guilty because we weren’t spending time the way we thought
we should by being “productive”.
I propose a new way of looking at it. By including sexual goals with the rest of your
life goals you will feel a lot better about indulging in sensual activities.
You will even schedule them into your day and week! Or you will just know
that at some point almost every day you are going to do something for
your sexual pleasure, growth and progress and will embrace it fully with no
guilt or remorse!
My husband and I both took a good hard look at our relationship in January.
There were some changes that had to be made. And we also set some goals.
These were sexual in nature and I’m not sure if you want to hear them
but if you need some ideas let me know.
If you set relationship and sexuality goals in January I’d love to hear them!
I’d also like to know your successes and challenges.
Remember me as a resource when you are going through this process.
I promise total discretion and anonymity:)
1. Exercise your PC muscle regularly (think kegles and/or urine control muscle).
2. ‘If you fail to plan you are planning to fail’ is a saying often applied to business. Apply that to your date night/play time.
3. Make the decision to believe your partner. If they say they like something about you accept it completely – this will build trust for more intimacy.
4. I recommend picking one night a week specifically meant for playing/exploring/trying something new. There is no excuse not to – when you make it a priority you will make it happen.
5. Be honest. It may be painful at first but like good intercourse it feels better and better the more you practice.
6. Breath deeply. Practice this often and when you are intimate it will be second nature. Deep breathing makes for better control and a more full body experience.
7. Be clean. Super clean. As often as possible make sure to be clean and fresh so you will always be ready when the mood strikes. There are ways to take extra steps if you have issues but most people are good with lots of soap and warm water;)
8. ‘Focus on the journey and not the destination’. In intimacy as in life, focusing on the joy of the journey releases the pressure of trying to make something happen and opens you up to actually receiving all the benefits of achieving the goal.
Do you know what a fetish is? There are several meanings and uses for the word fetish and chances are you are more involved in fetishism than you may know. Whole societies can have a fetish, a fetish may or may not have anything to do with sex and while they carry a stigma in our society fetishes can be used to spice up your sex life.
The dictionary has several definitions of fetish. The meaning I will be exploring is sexual and erotic fetishism, although we as a society have a “growth fetish” – we believe that economic and political growth are universal cure-all’s for society’s problems. Another type of fetishism is believing an object, i.e. a talisman or amulet, (think rabbits feet and Voodoo) has mystical powers. The sexual and/or erotic fetishist gets some king of sexual arousal or satisfaction from a thing. While this thing could be a body part, a type of clothing, or some inanimate object; it could also be a type of attitude or mood (Dominant, Cheerful, Submissive, etc.).
Some of the most common fetishes are feet, shoes and golden showers. More uncommon are masking (wearing or seeing others wear a mask) and apotemnophilia (being aroused by getting an amputation). The reason you may not realize you have a fetish is some fetishes are common and socially acceptable – breasts, butts, body shapes and lingerie. Sexual fetishes can start in child hood and last a lifetime or come and go. A sex friendly attitude sees no problem with either, as long as indulging in your fetish does not degrade you quality of life.
Even though fetishes are common they carry a social stigma. Certain forms of fetishes are classified psychological disorders and our society is not always sex-positive. As an adult who wants to continue to develop your sexuality I encourage you to explore fetishes. You may already know what arouses you, or you may need to do some experimenting. Make sure you always go about it in a safe and sane manner. There are professionals to help as well: Dominatrix, sex coaches, and web sites galore. Your city may even have a fetish shop or two. Here in Vegas we have several and the staff are always more than happy to discuss their products and help you figure things out.
Using your fetishes to spice up your sex can be very fun but scary at first. Whether you are single or married you need to get honest with yourself. Don’t judge, just observe. Mentally relax into it. If you are part of a couple make sure the lines of communication are wide open. There are many surprises coming for you and any criticism may slow the flow. Both singles and couples need to make sure to set aside time for sexploration that is all about sensation – giving, receiving, energetically and physically. Agree with yourself and your partner that during your sexperimentation time you will not give energy to stigmas, that you will determine what is right and wrong for you independently of society or well wishing family members. Who knows, at the end of it all you may find that what stimulates you is actually breaking the rules and feeling like you’re being bad;)
21. Dry humping
28. Up and down
64. Bufferfly Kissing
To get anything good first you have to desire it. Desire is a powerful energy that is part of the manifestation process.
Unfortunately, many people want to want better sex. They like the idea of it. But they aren’t doing the right things to increase their desire and getting themselves to the point of getting and maintaining desire long enough for better sex to manifest.
Here are 3 steps to re-kindled your sexual desire:
- Decide that sex matters. Have a heart to heart with your spouse. You both need to decide that intimacy is a high priority. Review your history to see that your relationship works better with intimacy than without it. Also, make sure that staying married and having a good relationship is a #1 priority (many of us just take that for granted. Actually bring it into your awareness and your conversation). Once you decide as a couple that you would prefer to stay married and have a great relationship then you can begin to focus on your sexual intimacy.
- Start fantasizing. Daydream about different scenarios, discuss them with your partner and learn more about them from online. Your largest sexual organ is your brain and getting in the game mentally will greatly increase you desire. This is a process and you need to engage in these activities on a regular basis to create the new thinking patterns in you brain. Once you have new pathways or grooves around sex and you have practice accessing them you will find it much easier to become aroused.
- Start experimenting. Love, sex, sensuality etc. all can be kick started by taking action. Sex and sexual energy operate on a feedback loop. You have good sex and you want more. You want good sex so you have it. So on and so forth. Be proactive and get your feedback loop going in a positive direction. Ultimately you are in control of your sex drive.
Practice these 3 steps as often as you can. If you need a quick change in this area then make sure to devote some time each day. Start out alone if you are not comfortable discussing this with your spouse yet. Make sure you take action right away…even right now!
1. Do you know exactly what you want and if so what is that?
2. Are you and your spouse on the same page?
3. What (in a general way) have you done before along these lines?
4. What have you already done to make this fantasy become a reality?
5. What would have to happen to make you consider your experience a success?