Romance, Polyamory and Personal Integrity

Romance is the most tender part of many people’s lives and often the most difficult to talk about.  This is where we can feel most vulnerable – not only personally but also as a unit with our loves (both family and romantic). We feel like we have so much judgement on ourselves and others – usually negative judgement – it’s easiest to ignore any issues or problems.  People also share about this area the least because we don’t want it to negatively affect people we are with.

I have valuable and powerful experiences with relationships and polyamory that I can share.  I often draw on my own life experiences when I’m coaching rather than theory.  I also work well with people who are seeing therapists for couples counseling.  Working in a triad (you, me and your therapist) is a powerful approach for better communication in your relationship.

Here is a personal example: I’m talking with my boyfriend about the possibility of dating other men and how that would look. I recognize my programming around relationships all supports monogamy.  Monogamy is like the default and the way of least resistance – easy to fall into and not think. However, it’s not honest for me to try to make a monogamous relationship work – to make it conform to meet my needs.  It’s important to have integrity with myself and live in a way that supports me and those around me as much as possible.  Just because I identify as polyamorous doesn’t mean that in practice I am honoring that part of myself.

When I work with people I help them identify their beliefs and programing and to consider if those beliefs are serving them.  I guide them to look at behaviors and reactions that come from running on auto-pilot and look for ways to be more awake, aware and conscious.  This is how I support people to make decisions from a place of love vs. a place of unconsciousness.

Send me an email if you would like to talk about working through some of your beliefs and programming so you can make decisions that keep you in integrity with yourself.

Warmly,
Nikki
Sex Coach
Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com

Monogamy Vs. Non-Monogamy | Social Conditioning

The hardest part of “coming out” was to acknowledge and accept that I am not monogamous to myself. I felt a lot of judgment for myself because of the stories/programming/conditioning I had around what monogamy and non-monogamy meant. Their meaning didn’t match up to my definition of self and that meant I was going to be out of integrity with myself – and for me that is like being in purgatory. I have to be right with myself first or nothing else works.

wedding ringsHere are the characteristics that came with monogamy according to my conditioning: a person who is monogamous is caring, loyal, loving, dependable, reliable, humble, trustworthy. They are able to put the needs of the many before the needs of the individual and therefore are also more generous, fair and civil minded than others. These characteristics would also manifest in every other area of their life so that a monogamous person will also have a great work ethic, contribute to society, always take care of their own family and so on and so forth.

On the other hand, I had the belief that the characteristics of a non-monogamous person: dishonest, selfish, self centered, careless, driven by lust, couldn’t care about family or bonds. They would put their own needs ahead of anyone else’s at whatever cost to the other people as long as they were satisfied. These people were not to be trusted or relied upon under any circumstances. They would suck others into their deceitful manipulative lifestyle any chance they got.

So you can see how I had a hard time accepting being non-monogamous. I did my best to practice the values of the monogamous person. A part of me was dying inside because I wasn’t being true to myself. I couldn’t reconcile the differences between how I felt inside (non-monogamous) and the kind of life I wanted to live (positive and generative). It is only through experiencing acceptance, tolerance, love and approval from others and myself that I have been able to see that these definitions have nothing to do with reality. They have to do with social norms, control, repression, and shame.