Romance, Polyamory and Personal Integrity

Romance is the most tender part of many people’s lives and often the most difficult to talk about.  This is where we can feel most vulnerable – not only personally but also as a unit with our loves (both family and romantic). We feel like we have so much judgement on ourselves and others – usually negative judgement – it’s easiest to ignore any issues or problems.  People also share about this area the least because we don’t want it to negatively affect people we are with.

I have valuable and powerful experiences with relationships and polyamory that I can share.  I often draw on my own life experiences when I’m coaching rather than theory.  I also work well with people who are seeing therapists for couples counseling.  Working in a triad (you, me and your therapist) is a powerful approach for better communication in your relationship.

Here is a personal example: I’m talking with my boyfriend about the possibility of dating other men and how that would look. I recognize my programming around relationships all supports monogamy.  Monogamy is like the default and the way of least resistance – easy to fall into and not think. However, it’s not honest for me to try to make a monogamous relationship work – to make it conform to meet my needs.  It’s important to have integrity with myself and live in a way that supports me and those around me as much as possible.  Just because I identify as polyamorous doesn’t mean that in practice I am honoring that part of myself.

When I work with people I help them identify their beliefs and programing and to consider if those beliefs are serving them.  I guide them to look at behaviors and reactions that come from running on auto-pilot and look for ways to be more awake, aware and conscious.  This is how I support people to make decisions from a place of love vs. a place of unconsciousness.

Send me an email if you would like to talk about working through some of your beliefs and programming so you can make decisions that keep you in integrity with yourself.

Warmly,
Nikki
Sex Coach
Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com

Monogamy Vs. Non-Monogamy | Social Conditioning

The hardest part of “coming out” was to acknowledge and accept that I am not monogamous to myself. I felt a lot of judgment for myself because of the stories/programming/conditioning I had around what monogamy and non-monogamy meant. Their meaning didn’t match up to my definition of self and that meant I was going to be out of integrity with myself – and for me that is like being in purgatory. I have to be right with myself first or nothing else works.

wedding ringsHere are the characteristics that came with monogamy according to my conditioning: a person who is monogamous is caring, loyal, loving, dependable, reliable, humble, trustworthy. They are able to put the needs of the many before the needs of the individual and therefore are also more generous, fair and civil minded than others. These characteristics would also manifest in every other area of their life so that a monogamous person will also have a great work ethic, contribute to society, always take care of their own family and so on and so forth.

On the other hand, I had the belief that the characteristics of a non-monogamous person: dishonest, selfish, self centered, careless, driven by lust, couldn’t care about family or bonds. They would put their own needs ahead of anyone else’s at whatever cost to the other people as long as they were satisfied. These people were not to be trusted or relied upon under any circumstances. They would suck others into their deceitful manipulative lifestyle any chance they got.

So you can see how I had a hard time accepting being non-monogamous. I did my best to practice the values of the monogamous person. A part of me was dying inside because I wasn’t being true to myself. I couldn’t reconcile the differences between how I felt inside (non-monogamous) and the kind of life I wanted to live (positive and generative). It is only through experiencing acceptance, tolerance, love and approval from others and myself that I have been able to see that these definitions have nothing to do with reality. They have to do with social norms, control, repression, and shame.

Internal Conflict

sexuality inner conflictMy biggest source of internal conflict as a teen and young adult when it came to sex was this – how can something that feels so good be wrong?

I had been taught that it’s best to abstain from sex until marriage.  But I didn’t.  And I felt awful about that.  I loved having sex and all kinds of physical pleasure but I hated the feeling of lying, sneaking around, not being strong enough to say no.  I took on a lot of guilt.

As a young adult I tried to change myself.  I tried to be celibate.  I tried to be monogamous.  It wasn’t until I started having open communication in my relationship and we started swinging and I started working in the adult industry that I felt like I was living a lifestyle that was right for me.  For a long time I still felt bad due to the taboo nature of my lifestyle.  It’s only been in the last few years as I learn about sex and sexuality that I’m okay with who I am and release those (thoughts, people, etc) that don’t approve or agree.

You can feel good about your sex and sexuality too – you just have to decide on your guide and make it okay for you.  Is your guide your religion?  Your body?  Your family?  Whatever you choose follow it 100% and you will be happy.  If you find you cannot follow it 100% or you do and you are not happy then maybe you need to try something else.  Experiment!  Play!  You can try all kinds of different things and see if they work for you.

Let me know if you want to talk about this.
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A Different Kind Of Spring Cleaning

All the kinky people in the community are probably thinking about enemas,
douches and the like and while I would be happy to share info on those
topics (just ask) that is not what I had in mind.
Enema Spring Cleaning

I am actually going to talk about a spring cleaning for your thoughts and beliefs
about sex and sexuality.  I work with a mentor and she has taught me a lot
about beliefs and how to let go of the ones that don’t make me happy.

People ask me a lot of questions about sex but the #1 question is how did I get
into this line of work.  They want to know how I could be doing something so
different from social norms.  They want to know how I do what I do happily and
with a clear conscience against the way most of us were brought up.

I think the reasons they ask me are different for different people.  Some are
simply curious but many wish they could do the same thing.  Not that they want
to work in the adult industry but because they want to experience the sexual
freedom and happiness that it looks like I’m having.  Because all the sexual
knowledge in the world doesn’t make much difference if you can’t make the
decision to take action and put it into practice.

I have learned through years of personal growth meetings and workshops to
make self-inventory a part of my daily life.  By incorporating the additional piece
of examining my beliefs, letting go of the ones that don’t work for me and
embracing the ones that do I have been able to create a life-style beyond my
wildest dreams.

I invite you to join me now in examining personal beliefs around sex and sexuality
so you too can clean out and release the beliefs that don’t work for you and
experience the best sex life possible.
I'm In Button

The first step is making a decision.  Are you in?