The word surrender has different meanings in different contexts. The idea of surrender is generally associated with giving up and/or losing when talked about in general terms. General society associates surrender with losing, war, giving up, being humiliated, etc. It is a totally yucky thing.
When I’ve seen it discussed about women’s sexual pleasure (funny, barely ever men) it means they are giving up resistance to the pleasure. This is a throwback to the Victorian morals and beliefs and in line with modern day religious beliefs that promote sex to be used for procreation only. Any enjoyment was/is secondary and never to be pursued for itself. Maybe it’s used more with women because a woman’s body often needs so much more stimulation for pleasure than what’s provided by genital penetration alone. Surrendering to the pleasure is giving up the internal resistance to sin, pleasures of the flesh and being a bad girl.
In 12 step recovery there is a paradox about surrendering to win. It’s a spiritual thing. In that context it’s letting go of your own plans, desires, ego and everything else to your higher power. A lot of people resist and fear that (sometimes I still do after practicing for 18 years) because fear of the unknown, fear of losing what we have, and fear we won’t get what we want. This is how the paradox comes in: You get to choose and define your Higher Power and develop your own personal relationship with Him/Her/Universe/Higher Self or whatever other name you want to use. When you come to believe that your Higher Power is based on love that fear diminishes. The more you believe it in your gut that your Higher Power is not only love, but unconditional love, the less struggle you feel against surrender.
Developing this belief has had a profound effect on my life. I know any time I’m feeling fear it’s because I’m not plugged into the source. It’s taken time but now I have a relationship with my Higher Power that allows for all the pleasurable activity I want with only positive consequences. It’s only been in the last 5 years that I’ve developed the belief in my gut into a knowing that my Higher Power wants me to be happy sexually. That has released my inhibitions and fears regarding my sexuality. It was very difficult because my ego is driven by fear. I was afraid I would lose my marriage and maybe my child. I was afraid of being ostracized by friends and family. I was afraid that I would be rejected and not have the experiences I craved. I was afraid I might like it too much and become a totally irresponsible slut whore.
The more honest I became with myself about how unhappy I was sticking to being how I “thought I should” be the more painful it became. The more I learned about integrity the clearer it was that by living the way I “thought I should” rather than the way I really am the more I saw I was out of integrity with myself. The programming, socialization and domestication that I had been through wasn’t true for me and as I became aware of this I realized I had two choices. Either accept the limited ways I was taught to believe and behave how I “thought I should” or accept myself as I was getting to know myself and start my own beliefs and behaviors. Each one would have been a surrender of sorts, but I could surrender to the fear or to the love. I could give up the known safety that was also suffocating to my true self or I could be willing to give up everything in pursuit of my truth.
What happened? My Higher Power is unconditional love and only wants good things for me. My husband decided he wanted to stay with me no matter what. We both became sluts:) We indulged and continued to pray and meditate. I did become a whore – and I loved it! It’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done with my life. And it lead me to my current calling of educating others about pleasure. How could I have otherwise known that so many were suffering silently with their sexual dissatisfaction? How could I have gotten the skills to give pleasure to all body types and overcome so many obstacles to sexual enjoyment? How else would I have truly known through through first hand experience it that there are people who honestly love every body type and everything about sex (and more). Yes, there have been rough spots along the way and there are oodles of people who disapprove of me and my lifestyle. Those who loved me still love me and we practice good communication and boundaries. Those who didn’t stick around didn’t really love me anyway – they loved the idea of me or what they could get from me.
I still feel fear of the unknown and of losing what I have but the problems in my life today are on a much higher level and even bigger than before so they make me go to my Higher Power even more quickly. And since I have the practice and experience of surrendering my plans and ego in exchange for solutions and support I do it more quickly now than ever before. I encourage all to try it – you might like it:)
If you need help let me know. The thing that keeps it fresh for me is helping others. I amost often hear the thing I need to hear when I’m saying it to someone else.