Self Pleasure Practice Experience – An Example Of What’s Possible

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy from Pexels

My self pleasure session this morning started with the desire to cum, to relieve the pressure built up from erotic experiences and from life.  This week has been filled with pool parties, clients, and family.  Anticipating another big get-together this afternoon, I wanted to take care of myself to not be stressed.  I can be present for others much more easily when I have my deepest needs and desires met.  I’m so grateful I did!

I began my time with light touch over my entire body.  This is how I’ve learned to turn my whole self on.  Doing this is a special treat as many times when I masturbate, it is a means to an end, and I don’t focus on enjoying the journey due to lack of time.  Put on porn and create friction.  Done.

Touching myself, stroking all over my body, teasing my genitals – all feels so good and also indulgent.

Why indulgent?  It’s what I and many of us have been taught to do to a lover, not ourselves.  Caressing, pressing, touching for the simple enjoyment of the feel of being touched.  And teasing – I used to wonder – how can I tease myself?  I used to think it’s like ticking myself – almost impossible.  With practice and mindfulness, I’ve learned how to touch myself in such a way that it feels like a tease, which has my body respond as though it is being teased.  Teasing is so important to me because it allows time for anticipation to build up physically.  It’s this passage of time with the teasing that makes me feel genuinely ready for friction.

After caressing my entire body, I then approach my pussy.  Going lightly.  Using my left hand.  Staying on the outside for a long time, massaging my labia and all around my clit until I’m ready for direct clitoral stimulation.  I apply lube to lightly caress my inner labia and clit hood, leading up to touching my clit.  Using strokes I learned from orgasmic meditation on myself.  Staying with myself.  Staying focused on sensations as thoughts and memories from this last week meandered through my mind.

Recalling yesterday, the first time in a long time someone tried to shame me for being a sex worker and polyamorous.  Feeling that pang of doubt and fear.  I did not ask for his feedback.  It came after I posted my video about wanting to help women have a better relationship with their pussy.  I’m expanding outside my safe bubble of people who know and love me.  Feeling that sharp energy, I decided to incorporate it into my sex, a technique I learned from practicing energetic sex with Monique Darling and Lawrence Lanoff.  Taking in the energy of the thing and transmuting it for my pleasure.  The turn-on in my body increased.  I started massaging my vulva with my whole hand, energetically “fucking the hater.” This had me crack up because I’m sure that’s not the context he was thinking of our connection happening.  He was wanting me to fuck him in another way…

With the release of that negativity and a new level of arousal, memories of my erotic encounters of the week started coming to mind even more vividly.  Fabulous experiences with clients on the erotic spectrum from sweet to incredibly intense.  Experiences with people in my private life where we are exploring different levels of intimacy and connection with each other that are so delicious.  I love the variety.  I noticed how my mind was, in a way, looking to hook on to one person or another and decided no, I want to hook onto myself, my higher self or true self.  I bounced my mind back and forth from remembered experiences to the moment at hand, so to speak, and my body opened even more.

Waiting until my pussy opens and calls in penetration is also so good and against my training to please a man.  Old thoughts stop me – it takes too long, I can just use lube, I’ll get turned on soon, so why make him wait?  Things like that, compromising my pleasure for his.  Making my sex primarily about his pleasure.  When I have the time to open and have the desire build, then everything feels better, sweeter, and more electric.

As I feel the inside of myself and a thought about my ex strolls through my mind, I pause and take the time to breathe and hold myself. I keep my left hand on my vulva, fingers curled into the opening of my vaginal canal, holding myself so securely, I can feel my pubic bones in my hand.  My right hand on my heart.  I breathe and feel, and rather than going down the rabbit hole of grief, I focus on the sensation of being held and safe.  I breathe and relax and feel the sensations of being touched and held in the most intimate and caring way possible.  My arousal builds, and I want more internal stimulation, more pressure, and the feeling of being full.

I get my dildo and add lube to it.  And I go slow, again teasing myself, the way I like to be teased with a cock when I’m with a lover.  Drawing the tip of the dildo from my pubic bone down to the opening of my vulva, dipping it in a bit, then pulling it out to feel it slide up and across my clitoris.

I repeat this motion many times, penetrating a bit deeper with every stroke until finally, I’m feeling the dildo all the way in stretching my vaginal canal.  I alternate between clitoral stimulation and using the dildo for vaginal stimulation, giving myself lots of variety.

I could feel my body shift as I got into the climax zone.  I slowed my activities.  My mind wanted to go into fantasy as I have a habit of doing when I need to cum quick and use porn.  I decided no, today I wanted to practice being free of that hook and again be connected to my true self.  I gave myself time to enjoy being on the edge, giving myself stimulation to increase arousal but being careful to relax and enjoy too.  As I felt myself get so close to climax that anything I did would make me go over the edge, I rhythmically pumped the dildo in and out of my pussy with my left hand and gave my clit firm circles with the right.  I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of going over the edge, feeling my muscles spasm, and the pleasure run through my entire body.

As my climax passed, my heart space felt so open, and tears came to my eyes.  This has happened with lovers before – post-climax, in each other’s arms, I feel a drop, and I cry.  This is the first time I experienced it from loving myself. And I realized that I was crying simply because I felt so good.  The whole experience had given me such a sense of love and relief.  I let myself lay and soak in that energy for a bit, feeling so grateful that I am able to have experienced all these different sensations just now.


Connect with me on facebook for the 100 Pussy Project

See what the project is all about in this post Focusing On Female Pleasure, Confidence, Strength, and Power – (

Focusing On Female Pleasure, Confidence, Strength, and Power

It’s amazing to think we are starting the second half of 2021!!!  I’ve been feeling so grateful for the blessings and privileges in my life and I know one of the main ways I can keep that powerful energy flowing is by being of service as a sex coach.  I’ve been thinking about a project for quite some time and with the beginning of the month a name came to me and I’m running with it:

The 100 Pussy Project

The mission is to help women have a better relationship with their pussy so they can have more pleasure and orgasm _AND_ also experience more confidence, strong boundaries, and powerful communication.

My goal is to help 100 women by the end of this year.

I’ll be launching a private facebook group for vulva owners soon. Let me know if you want to be part of this mission and I’ll put you on the list to invite ❤❤❤

Happy 4th Of July!

With the year flying by it feels like it was just yesterday that we were observing Memorial Day and sharing gratitude for the veterans in our lives.  Now it’s 4th of July weekend and yet again I’m feeling deep gratitude to be in a country with so much liberty and personal freedom.  While I don’t always love the political situation and I know things could be better, I feel extremely blessed to be here at this time in history with the resources I have.  So grateful!

I have some really cool things brewing and I am excited to be sharing them as the month unfolds.

Have fun and be safe this weekend!!!

Sex Coach Nikki

Nikki Lundberg | Facebook

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Sex Coach Nikki Lundberg, Las Vegas Sex Coach, Female Pleasure Coach

June 2021


March is Cunnilingus Month! Also – Tantra and New Vlogs


I hope all is well for you and yours!  I’m so happy to be back home.  I was in Mexico for two weeks at tantra training.  The first week was Tantric Arts Training for Women Practitioners and I learned about so much including chakras, singing to chakras, five elements massage, and timeline work.  I also learned about vulva, vaginal, and penis massage from a tantric perspective.  It was so amazing!  The second week was Energetic Sex Facilitator Training where I learned about how to teach others on an energetic level.  Feeling orgasmic energy in a more full bodied way, releasing stuck emotions, and feeling more pleasure sustained over a longer period of time than I ever have before.

March is Cunnilingus Month!  Please let me know your biggest most important questions about all things oral on pussy:)

Here is a link to my virtual class on 3/20 –

I will be posting the in-person event soon.  It will be on 3/27




New Vlogs

I was ashamed of my vagina

Chakras and cunnilingus

Gratitude from Mexico – honoring the body, enjoying the journey, sitting at the feet of masters

Live from Mexico – opening up my chakras

Going to Mexico, 1st covid test, ego death, break up break through

Recap Art of Fellatio workshop – body positivity, surrendering to receive pleasure

So much excitement about my fellatio class and my upcoming trip to Mexico!

Polyamory, long distance relationships, and dealing with big emotions

Please let me know if you have any questions about the classes or about private coaching.


Nikki Ivana, tantra, tantrika, lingam, yoni, sacred spot, BBW Escort, Las Vegas Escort, GFE, Fetish, 702.236.1975, 702-236-1975, 7022361975



Working With Desire, Communication, and Fulfillment

When Things Work Out

Of course, I love it when things work out – don’t you?

When there is a desire, maybe even an ache, a yearning

And you can just be, totally present, broadcasting your true self

And your true desire

And somehow everything aligns

Someone else’s desire compliments yours

And you can fulfill something for each other

With each other

Holding a sweet space in time for vulnerability



Asking for adjustments that are received and make things better for both people

And you co-create the experience

The fulfillment

And it is generative

Although you both are spent in one way, you are feeling revitalized overall.


I love it when this is the flow of my life.  This is my goal in my interactions with my teenage child, with my lovers, with my clients.  Having the experience of safety to be and to experience what is.  Following the sensation, going with the flow, all parties 100% present and invested.

That is why people get so much out of spending time with me.

After my last post, I got a lot of feedback.  It was extremely high sensation – what I mean by that is I felt a wide range of emotions, and some of them were very intense.  I know that some who read what I wrote felt a lot of sensation/emotions too.  I get to receive those, feel them, and do my best to relax and release them as they are not mine.  I get to handle all the sensations coming from others and from my own mind/ego that wants to interpret everything and make it mean things and build a whole story around the event.

At the end of my post, I mentioned offering private coaching.  There were a few questions about that.

I will be very upfront – I do not have systems set up for my coaching business.  It has been cooking for over ten years, but I have always had it on the back burner.  It has simmered a long time now, and I feel it is ready to be part of the main course of my service offerings.  What you are seeing now is my transition – moving private coaching from the back burner to front and center.

It is ready to serve, so to speak.

If you are interested in working with me – if you are looking for connection, communication, intimacy, and expression for yourself and your life – let me know.  I have been thinking about niches and marketing and who my ideal client is, and so far, I know it is someone who wants to experience what I described above.  I can teach that.  I can help you experience that.

You can apply that type of experience in all areas of your life to have movement and fulfillment.

Message me for more info.

Available for private coaching.

702.674.6606 – text first to schedule a time to talk or use my calendar link


Starting Is The Hardest Part

Life Coach Nikki, transformation coach, transition coach, life change coach, sex coach, couples coach, parent coachStarting is the hardest part.

How to change, how to navigate the darkness, the anger.

How to let go of the old.  Knowing it no longer applies but also having been shaped and molded by it.

Can you let it go?

Wanting to come from a place of love.  From my highest self.  Love and compassion.  Free from fears. Or at least having the courage to overcome them.  Overcoming any obstacle.

Where do you want to come from?

Change is hard.  You only have to change one thing – everything.  That’s what they say in “the program”.  How true that is.

Being willing.  To go through the pain.  My own pain.  Others pain.  The pain of change.

Are you willing?

You will change when the pain of staying the same is the greater than the pain of change.  What flavor of shit sandwich do you want to eat today?  (From Mark Manson, Author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck).

I’ve been silent so long.  I don’t know if my voice will leave again.  I’m afraid to make a commitment.  I’m afraid of fucking up.  How can I fuck this up? In all the ways.  Reminds me of an interview I recently heard with Kyle Cease…

So, now I’m putting myself out here.  Hoping to stop selling my time and my body and instead sell you on your own transformation.  Overcoming my own fears and feelings of inadequacy.  My own not-enoughness.

What is your transformation worth to you?

I’ve done all the things.  I keep remembering working with my last mentor, how she was able to help me so much but, in the end, it turned out to be a sham.  It was a false front.  I was completely disillusioned.  I could no longer just “raise my vibration” and “put myself on the happy dial” as she instructed me once I found out all her flaws.  All her fakeness.  I felt so used and like I was her piggy bank.

I had to deal with my darkness.  I had to be able to go down.  She did not prepare me for that.  Everything I was building also depended on her false front.

I tried, so many ways.  Here I am trying again.  Will I sink or swim?  Only time will tell.  The boats – I’m not burning them, but they will be leaving me here, not to return to bring me back to my old way for a long time and possibly never.  My life and my body are changing.  I must stop selling it by the hour.

Not that I’ve hated that.  In fact, I’ve loved it!  I’ve enjoyed it.  I’ve had a life much better than most and probably better than I deserve.  But It’s no longer serving me.  I’m so grateful for the experiences.  For the learning.  For the mastery.

And now I want to share that on a larger scale.  In the few private coaching sessions, I’ve had I’ve been so blessed to see what an amazing impact an hour a week with me can have on someone’s life.  And the ripple effects…  Applying all I’ve learned to create a 6-figure service-based business, all the communication skills, all the soul searching and personal growth, all the solutions from all the mistakes.

And I’m still on the path.  Please don’t put me on a pedestal.  I’m just on a different part of the path then you are.  Maybe further ahead in some areas.  Further behind in others.  Possibly a different path altogether.

Ah – the fear.  The fear of judgement and criticism.  The fear of losing my old identity.  My ego is screaming right now.  Ego death – how exciting and terrifying and exhilarating all the same time.

And knowing that I can’t do it alone.  No man is an island.  The vulnerability is heart wrenching.  To depend on others.  To be put in a position where I can be hurt, injured, let down, disappointed…  More ego death.  Letting go of expectations.  Letting go of details.  Letting go of the “how”.

Focusing on what feels good.  Raising my vibration.  Raising my frequency.  Getting in “the vortex”.  Manifesting.  So woo woo and such bullshit.  But it works.  In an extremely specific way.  I must be careful to not bullshit myself.  Or others.  Or I will be just as fake as my old mentor.  So today I practiced.  I’ve been practicing for 4 days.  Focusing on feeling good.  And when I don’t feel good, enjoying those sensations as well like I learned from Carolyn Elliott and the practice of existential kink.  If I’m feeling it that is my evidence of wanting it.  So enjoy it and get off on it.  That in itself is a higher vibration.  And a deeper kind of self-love.

And I am focusing on that too.  Loving myself.  Yes, masturbating.  But also, being nice to myself in my own head and heart.  Talking to my inner little girl and as fucking stupid as that felt to do in the beginning, I’m feeling the healing.  I’m so grateful for the work I’ve done.

In this time that I’ve been silent I’ve experienced so much.  Not just from the virus – that’s a whole chapter for me just like it is for everyone.  I’ve dealt with so much in addition – finding out I have abandonment issues, seeing my insecure attachment style surface, reading, reading, reading, looking for the solution.  The Power of Now, The Untethered Soul, The Journey From Abandonment To Healing, The Subtle Art Of Not Giving a Fuck.  Listening to countless interviews by Tom Bilyeu.  Enrolling in college full time.


Available for private coaching.

702.674.6606 – text first to schedule a time to talk or use my calendar link


Contrast Brings Clarity

Why am I taking down

The short answer is that it is not fulfilling its purpose and I feel it is also confusing people about what I offer as a sex coach.

For those of you who are new to me and my work, I started a video website in 2011 called The intention was for me to be able to share my knowledge and educate people on how to do sexual things in such a way that I could leverage my time by working one to many. It was also meant to be a more (financially) accessible way to work with me for those who could not afford in-person coaching. While I do know the site helped many people, I don’t think it truly supported my vision of being a teaching tool.

Since I was personally the demonstration model for 99% of the videos, what I found was many of the viewers were much more interested in interacting with me as a sexual partner or entertainer than as an educator. There is nothing wrong with that – I am also a sex worker after all. The problem was whenever I marketed my services as a coach or educator, I’d get a lot of requests for entertainment (making pornographic videos) which was not my desire.

This has been one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make in my business. I’ve put a lot of time and money into creating the website. While it was not a raging success, I would not call it a failure by any measure. The site has been a huge part of my business endeavors over the last nine years and I am somewhat sad to see it go.

Contrast Brings Clarity

This is one of my most important lessons and teaching points. Only by evaluating an experience, comparing what you wanted vs. what happened so you can see the contrast, can you gain clarity and make a new decision moving forward. I tried having a video website where I had explicit how-to lessons on sex, and it did not give me the results I wanted. I tried to make it work in several different ways and it still did not do what I wanted it to. I am willing to let it go and try something totally new and different. My hope is that by letting go of this piece of my business I will have more bandwidth to put towards the activities I do desire, the ways I do enjoy working with people and helping them in their day to day lives.

Releasing Shame

Releasing ShameThere are many layers to shame.  The definition of shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

We, as humans, have some basic instincts that make us susceptible to shame. First, we are very motivated by pain! We want to avoid it at almost any cost. Second, we are social creatures, so we want to do things that help us to be part of society. Loneliness can also be painful, so that instinct to be social is a double whammy. Those two instincts are enough to drive us into doing whatever we have to do and behaving however we are “supposed to” in order to “be a part of.”

I believe that one of the best ways to control a person is to control their sex. By making certain activities wrong or foolish, institutions such as religion, government, and even our family of origin can exert control over us, making us behave according to specific criteria, whether we agree with it or not. Many times we don’t even know to question our beliefs about what is right or not because we are so thoroughly conditioned. Then, when we have divergent or unconventional desires, we feel shame, pain, and distress because we are going against everything we have been taught, and we face the pain of exile and loneliness.

Shame has more power over us in isolation and secrecy. When we are inside our minds and feeling bad, then we can build up a negative feedback loop about how bad we are, that what we want is wrong and that if we ever get found out, we will be ostracized and alone. Society’s messages constantly reinforce these ideas adding to the negative self-judgment. The more a person is embedded in the social machine, the more they have to lose by wanting so-called wrong and foolish things.

In the modern day and age, things are changing as communication is improving, and people can connect and discuss things more freely. As more people confide in each other that they feel shame, the shame is released. The more each individual is out and open about what they want and need, the more it gets normalized. Sometimes this happens in small private groups, sometimes at a public level.

Being witnessed is the fasted way of releasing shame. I believe this is why people who practice alternative lifestyles, such as nudism, swinging, and kink in community have so much freedom. By practicing what is usually deemed inappropriate and being seen and accepted, possibly even encouraged, the layers of programming and judgment melt away. It’s just not possible to be ashamed of your nakedness when you are walking around nude and being wholly accepted precisely as you are.

One challenge that the many people face is that the leap from the conventional lifestyle to any alternative lifestyle is enormous, and they don’t know where to start. Also, as everyone falls in different places along the spectrum, an individual may be experiencing shame but not have any desire to be in a group or semi-public situation such as a nudist resort or lifestyle event.

That is where individual or private witnessing comes in to play. A witness is someone who can see you in whatever state you have shame around and hold space. To hold space means to be present, keep attention on the activity at hand, and to express acceptance and approval. Ideally, the witness has some experience with holding a lot of sensation as it can be very intense for a person to be working through all their layers of shame and possible self-hatred and judgmental thoughts. The witness needs to be able to set aside personal opinions and be present emotionally and energetically for the witnessed person.

As a witness, I suspend my own opinions and judgment. I take in what is happening and allow my inner observer to be the dominant voice in my mind. Any reactions, thoughts, or opinions are relegated to the back burner to be processed later. I take in the individual, what they are doing, and experiencing as completely as possible. If they get stuck, I may ask questions or make statements in the spirit of keeping them present and aligned with their goal.

Before a witnessing session, we clarify goals. We do our best to identify the specifics of the shame and pain, such as where it came from and how it’s affected the life of the one I’m witnessing. We clarify our intentions for the session and set a timer. And then they do what it is to move through the sensations of shame and more while I hold space. After the timer goes off, we debrief. We discuss the experience and the emotions of the witnessed one. In the event of intense emotions or trauma coming up, we talk or journal or do other practices for soothing and decompression.

If you have shame to release and would like to be witnessed, please let me know. It can be incorporated into your coaching package. If you would like to learn to witness people or hold space for your partner, I can help you develop that skill as well.








It’s OK To Feel Overwhelmed

It’s OK to feel overwhelmed.

It’s Ok to feel. Overwhelmed.

It’s OK. Feel overwhelmed.

OK, feel overwhelmed.


And just like that, I felt much better!

Sometimes it’s hard to make a decision. There are so many choices and so many things to consider. The thought of adding one more thing to life can be completely overwhelming when, on a daily basis, the to-do list is not getting done.

The basics – making money, taking care of kids, managing food and bills. Then the next level – taking care of self – exercise, nutrition, mental and emotional health. Then the top-level – dreams, desires, aspirations, fun, pleasure. It often feels like there is just no room for these top-level things once all the time is used up for the mid-level and base level needs.

There’s just too much – too much to do, too much to take care of, too many obligations, too many choices. Of course, we feel overwhelmed!

Realize that if you are in this situation, it’s ok to be overwhelmed. We want to do the right things and do them the right way. There is so much pressure to perform and produce and to be happy and fulfilled. We have a sense of urgency and compression to make all our marks, to be good. Then, we feel sensation and emotion, and it’s too much to handle, and it’s not part of our game plan to be having any problems. What follows is self-judgment, trying to stop feeling. Stop messing up. Stop being messy. These thoughts and judgments are additional pressure we are putting on ourselves.

And that is where you can start to unwind the overwhelm. Allow yourself to feel it. Feel the emotion of being overwhelmed. Let the tears come. Feel the sensations of being overwhelmed. The pain of a full to bursting heart, the heaviness in the chest, the buzzing in the mind, the tightness in the stomach. Feel every sensation as much as you can. Notice your judgment of it. Notice how critical you are of yourself. You may think you should not feel this way, but the fact is you do feel it, and that thought is a subjective evaluation you can choose to let go of. You may think you should be able to handle it all, but again, that is a subjective opinion. And it’s making you unhappy. See if you can let it go. Thank your brain for its opinion and let it go. It’s not serving you.

Keep giving yourself permission to feel the sensations in your body and cry if you like. See if you can truly begin to separate the sensation from the story. All the judgments and criticisms are just stories you are telling yourself. You are making them up based on your beliefs and programming. You can choose to make up different stories for yourself.

For example, maybe there is a part of you that is feeling terrified — terrified of making the wrong decision — terrified of making a mistake. You are terrified of causing hardship for you and your family. Well, then, of course, that part of you is trying to protect you. And you keep ignoring it, ignoring what it’s trying to tell you. The inner turmoil is a sign that you need to get quiet and evaluate some things. You need to listen to that part of yourself and see – are the fears real or imagined? Are there ways to mitigate the negative possibilities? If bad things happen, will you be able to recover? You need to work with yourself to comfort and take care of your concerns.

This process will clarify if making a change or taking on something new is truly too much – at least for right now. You may find that certain circumstances need to be in place or changed for you to not have so much on your plate. This evaluation is reasonable. One person can only do so much. It’s ok to give yourself a break and focus on the next correct step.

If the only thing holding you back is fear of failure, then you can decide how you will deal with the defeat. You can grieve the loss of your potential success. You can look at it as a learning opportunity. There are tons of ways you can put a positive spin on going for what you want and not succeeding.

Go with the flow. Feel your feelings. Listen to yourself.


Living With Integrity

alternative life coach, polyamorous life coach, sex positive life coachOne of the major drivers in my life is integrity; Specifically integrity with myself. For me, integrity encompasses self-reflection, self-honesty, and humility. I’m writing about it because I have come to realize I’ve gotten out of integrity with myself. I’ve changed and grown. However, I’m still acting on old decisions and plans. I figured this out because of deep self-reflection and introspection. I’ve had to ask in many different ways questions like “what’s wrong,” “what do I REALLY want,” “what am I ok with,” “how much risk am I willing to take,” etc. I’ve also had to do somatic work, feeling different sensations in my body, asking what they are trying to tell me. I’ve also done some shadow integration work. I can feel I’ve barely scratched the surface with these last two.

Why am I doing all this work? Because of my health and my pleasure (or lack of it) in my body. I started on a journey to get healthy in January of 2018. In October of 2017, I was told by a doctor that I would be looking at getting a hip transplant soon, and there was no other choice besides pain management. I was devastated as I was only 38 at the time.

Since then, I’ve faced other significant life challenges, one being the possibility of going to prison. That gave me a whole additional layer of motivation to get healthy as I could not walk up a flight of stairs, and I feared for my safety if I was going to have to go to prison.

I’ve done so well in the last 20 months (right now its November 2019) – lost 55 lbs, gained mobility and strength, kept my business running, stayed connected with my immediate family and friends. The thing is, now that the worst seems to be behind me, I am still struggling with motivation and inspiration. That has made me turn to assess what I am doing in my life to see if I’m still in alignment with all of it. Some of it yes, some of it, no, and some of it partially. Yes, I’m entirely grateful not to be facing the possibility of going to prison or having to live in a wheelchair. And somehow, that is not enough. I know that I’ve experienced genuine excitement and high energy in my life, and I want it back. That is why I’m sharing this now.

I’m creating something new. I’m not even sure what it will look like, but this is my first swing at it. I’m letting go of what is not bringing me joy at all and working toward only doing what feels truly good.

One of the definitions of integrity is the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction. When I operate my life with integrity, I benefit from the feeling of being unified internally. When you make choices that maintain your personal structure, you don’t have to deal with the inner conflict, dissonance, and turmoil that could ultimately tear you apart.

Another definition of integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles, i.e., moral uprightness. Figuring out what is correct, righteous, and ethical for you is where self-reflection and introspection come in to play. How are you going to know if what you are doing is right for you if you do not stop and ask yourself? This level of honesty does take lots of courage, as you might find you have changed. You may have made decisions that once were in alignment, but now you have changed, and you have to make a new decision. Getting back into alignment might mean you have to undo things in your life. Undoing and restructuring will affect you for sure and might affect others. Many people (and me for a long time) avoid looking at things to avoid having to make these changes. We are too afraid. Too chicken. And too lazy.

Are you the type of person that when you find a problem you want to fix it? Does living dishonestly suck the life out of you? Then you are a lot like me. Changing will mean work and possibly accepting humility as there is a part of you that identifies with your previous decisions and commitments. That part of you is going to resist change at all costs.   That part of you will not want to die or be re-defined. It’s happy precisely the way it is and will do all kinds of dirty mental and physiological tricks to stay alive. But you are not your ego. You will never know unless you slow down and take a look.

If you feel like you are out of integrity and you have suspicions that you might need to make decisions, but you don’t know where to start or how to navigate the process, let me know if you would like some help. I’ve gone through this process before, and I’ve helped others through the years. Sometimes having a guide, cheerleader, or accountability partner makes all the difference.

How To Come Down Pleasurably With Mindful Practice

come down from sexual and emotional highs with mindful practices with sex coach nikkiIn this mindful erotic exploration article I’ll cover:

  • What is “Coming Down”?
  • How does it relate to sex?
  • How you can “come down” pleasurably.

What is “Coming Down”

During the holiday season there are lots of emotional up’s and down’s. Most people go through these unconsciously and feel as though things are just happening to them. Once you start being mindful you can see how you can make choices about how you come down from being emotionally high. Some examples of going high would be gathering with friends that you love, seeing people enjoy your hard work cooking in the kitchen, spending time with your lover cocooned up in a romantic getaway, going to a convention (this is called “con drop”), end of the year work celebrations, etc.

How “Coming Down” Relates To Sex

You can compare it to the arousal cycle. First comes flirting, building anticipation, making plans and feeling the attraction. This is all building up the energy and motivating you to move forward toward the encounter. Then, you get to make out. You take your time enjoying the build-up. You explore, tease and titillate getting the most you can out of every activity you do. You may experience many peaks and valleys during your love making and you may even climax. Whenever you feel complete and stop stimulation there is a period where you come down.

This is usually the time for cuddling and talking. You don’t generally jump out of bed and get back to work unless you absolutely have to.  It’s nice to give yourself time to let the experience you just had sink in to your body. You may have to sleep a bit or eat something.  After a while you will feel more normal, you will come back into homeostasis.

Coming down from emotional highs in life can be very similar. Unfortunately, most people don’t give themselves the time and space to come down pleasurably. It’s as though they want to jump up out of bed and get right back to work without giving their bodies a chance to recover from such an intense experience.  What happens when you do jump right out of bed to get back to work? You go to work hungry and sleepy. It’s difficult to make good decisions and be as productive as possible.

You Will “Come Down” One Way Or Another

The problem is – you will come down one way or another.  Just like coming down from sex, coming down from the emotional highs of life experiences can be pleasurable or rough. You come down hard/rough when you can’t make good decisions and since you’re sleepy you make mistakes. The way this manifests is picking arguments with your partner, having accidents, making life decisions that aren’t the best, getting overly intoxicated, etc.

How To “Come Down” Pleasurably

Now that you know about coming down from emotional highs you can be mindful about coming down pleasurably. After your event or experience give yourself the time and space to come down and get back to normal. Good things to do during this time are eating healthy meals, watching funny movies, taking hot baths (especially with epsom salt), debriefing/reviewing your event with a friend or counselor, even making love and reconnecting with yourself and your partner. Also, just being aware that you are coming down will help you to notice if you are doing something like picking a fight or making bad decisions.

Above all else, be gentle with yourself.  Try to notice your behavior without judging or criticizing yourself.  Know that changing your habits can take time.  That’s why this is part of a mindfulness practice – practice being the key word – where we can make progress.

Click here to check out more articles for more ideas about mindful erotic practices.

If you would like more support around coming down pleasurably or any other topic that is within my area of expertise please do not hesitate to reach out.  Click here to find out more about working with me.

Happy Holidays!
Sex Coach Nikki