Have More Sex

Hear the audio version of this topic for $.99  It’s just over 10 minutes and packed with insights.

You can listen to the entire hour of radio this audio was cut from for free.

7/14/2012 Push play download the show.

I use generalizations for the sake of simplicity.  Please listen to the beginning of the 7-14/12 show for my explanation of this.

Men usually say they either don’t have sex problems because they’re not getting any sex or their biggest sex problem is that they don’t get enough sex.

Most men want more.  If you’re getting it once a week you want it every day, if you’re getting it every day you want it 3 times a day.  Many men may feel like they’re not getting sex even if they’re having frequent intercourse because it’s not the kind they want.

What is it costing you to not have enough sex?  Your good attitude – you’re usually irritable, grumpy and angry when you are dissatisfied.  You feel an underlying sense of  frustration because you are suppressing your own sex drive and denying your own sexual development.  Maybe it’s costing you money and productivity because you can’t focus at work.  Maybe it’s destroying your marriage because your main love language is physical touch and since you’re not receiving that you are feeling alone, alienated and depressed.  Maybe you are to the point where you are questioning the meaning of life because you aren’t free to express yourself and the burden is too oppressive.

Just because your spouse is becoming asexual does not mean you have to.  Your sexuality can keep developing with or without your spouse.

The easiest way to start having more sex is to improve your masturbation practice, developing the relationship you want with yourself and making it more satisfying than simply jacking off and releasing as quickly as possible.  Stop using it as just another activity to fill and pass time like watching TV or playing video games.  Get in a relationship with yourself and your sexuality.  Explore yourself and decrease your dependence on partner sex.  You will also get more relief and satisfaction by being your own best lover than you will by ejaculation alone.

This is for you if you are in a sexless marriage and you want to be a “good husband” and a “good father” (I’m talking to those that subscribe to social norms and monogamous ideals).

What have you done to overcome this problem?  Maybe you’ve gone to your wife/spouse but you’ve experienced rejection.  Eventually you will stop approaching your spouse because you don’t want to keep getting the rejection – the pain of being rejected over and over.  So then you move on to stuffing your desires, downplaying and ignoring them, redirecting  your focus to your business, the kids, the house, doing projects, getting involved in church or any number of other activities else.

These will work for a little while but the time comes when there is a growing need and urgency to fill a hole.  Eventually these men end up going to Ashley Madison and having an affair or hiring a professional sex worker like an escort or getting a massage with a happy ending.  This is not necessarily right or wrong  But for most men this is not in alignment with the rest of their beliefs – that is how intense this need is – they are willing to compromise all they believe in about marriage, loyalty, monogamy and fatherhood for sexual satisfaction.

You need to figure out a way to talk to your spouse that isn’t simply telling your wife she needs to service you.  You have to approach it from their point of view and what is important to them.  Almost with a sales point of view.  Ask yourself “What is in it for them?” and “What is she going to get out of it?”

Women want to have better sex.  So there’s not a lot in it for them if they’re not climaxing, or if they’re too tired, or maybe it hurts, or she doesn’t feel sexy… whatever the reason, the payoff isn’t big enough for her to have more sex.  The man’s need for more sex is just like the need from the kids for dinner – it’s another  thing on their to-do list, another responsibility, another energy drain.

You have to think of her needs and wants.  Most of the time she wants a break.  Surveys have shown that when the guy is doing more chores around the house he is sexier to the wife.  So the guy either has to do some chores or have to hire someone to do some of them.  If not then servicing her hubby is another chore on the list.

So how are you going to make it worth her time?  By improving your skills when it comes to pleasure, communication and romance.  You have to get into communication with your spouse to find out what will make it worth her time – what will be a big enough payoff for her to actually fuck you more often.