Living With Integrity

alternative life coach, polyamorous life coach, sex positive life coachOne of the major drivers in my life is integrity; Specifically integrity with myself. For me, integrity encompasses self-reflection, self-honesty, and humility. I’m writing about it because I have come to realize I’ve gotten out of integrity with myself. I’ve changed and grown. However, I’m still acting on old decisions and plans. I figured this out because of deep self-reflection and introspection. I’ve had to ask in many different ways questions like “what’s wrong,” “what do I REALLY want,” “what am I ok with,” “how much risk am I willing to take,” etc. I’ve also had to do somatic work, feeling different sensations in my body, asking what they are trying to tell me. I’ve also done some shadow integration work. I can feel I’ve barely scratched the surface with these last two.

Why am I doing all this work? Because of my health and my pleasure (or lack of it) in my body. I started on a journey to get healthy in January of 2018. In October of 2017, I was told by a doctor that I would be looking at getting a hip transplant soon, and there was no other choice besides pain management. I was devastated as I was only 38 at the time.

Since then, I’ve faced other significant life challenges, one being the possibility of going to prison. That gave me a whole additional layer of motivation to get healthy as I could not walk up a flight of stairs, and I feared for my safety if I was going to have to go to prison.

I’ve done so well in the last 20 months (right now its November 2019) – lost 55 lbs, gained mobility and strength, kept my business running, stayed connected with my immediate family and friends. The thing is, now that the worst seems to be behind me, I am still struggling with motivation and inspiration. That has made me turn to assess what I am doing in my life to see if I’m still in alignment with all of it. Some of it yes, some of it, no, and some of it partially. Yes, I’m entirely grateful not to be facing the possibility of going to prison or having to live in a wheelchair. And somehow, that is not enough. I know that I’ve experienced genuine excitement and high energy in my life, and I want it back. That is why I’m sharing this now.

I’m creating something new. I’m not even sure what it will look like, but this is my first swing at it. I’m letting go of what is not bringing me joy at all and working toward only doing what feels truly good.

One of the definitions of integrity is the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction. When I operate my life with integrity, I benefit from the feeling of being unified internally. When you make choices that maintain your personal structure, you don’t have to deal with the inner conflict, dissonance, and turmoil that could ultimately tear you apart.

Another definition of integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles, i.e., moral uprightness. Figuring out what is correct, righteous, and ethical for you is where self-reflection and introspection come in to play. How are you going to know if what you are doing is right for you if you do not stop and ask yourself? This level of honesty does take lots of courage, as you might find you have changed. You may have made decisions that once were in alignment, but now you have changed, and you have to make a new decision. Getting back into alignment might mean you have to undo things in your life. Undoing and restructuring will affect you for sure and might affect others. Many people (and me for a long time) avoid looking at things to avoid having to make these changes. We are too afraid. Too chicken. And too lazy.

Are you the type of person that when you find a problem you want to fix it? Does living dishonestly suck the life out of you? Then you are a lot like me. Changing will mean work and possibly accepting humility as there is a part of you that identifies with your previous decisions and commitments. That part of you is going to resist change at all costs.   That part of you will not want to die or be re-defined. It’s happy precisely the way it is and will do all kinds of dirty mental and physiological tricks to stay alive. But you are not your ego. You will never know unless you slow down and take a look.

If you feel like you are out of integrity and you have suspicions that you might need to make decisions, but you don’t know where to start or how to navigate the process, let me know if you would like some help. I’ve gone through this process before, and I’ve helped others through the years. Sometimes having a guide, cheerleader, or accountability partner makes all the difference.

How your beliefs can hurt you during anal sex with Anal Sex Coach Nikki

Are you wondering how your belief system could actually hurt you during anal sex?

I’m Sex Coach Nikki http://NikkiLundberg.com. I find the number one reason people are experiencing pain during anal sex or even thinking anal sex is because of their belief system around it.

This is one of the areas I really work through with my clients – looking at what their belief systems are around anal pleasure and anal sex.

We all have beliefs and programming around what it means to enjoy anal pleasure and even about the anal area in general.

Most of these beliefs were learned from our family, religion and culture.

One way out family can influence us is as a baby during potty-training often the parents and family will use phrases like “ooh yuckey bottom”, and “clean your butt” and we’re repeatedly shamed over and over as a little baby.

One of the ways our culture influences us is by first off being anti-homosexual but secondly by correlating anal pleasure for me with homosexuality.

The way religion can influence your beliefs around sex is by teaching that sex is only for procreation.

You don’t want to have anal sex because that’s not going to cause procreation and it’s definitely for pleasure only.

These types of beliefs lead to viewing anal pleasure as dirty, perverted, naughty and nasty.

Often people can get an erotic thrill out of being a “bad boy” or “bad girl” and that’s great!

But for those who don’t and feel shame and guilt about the way they enjoy their bodies these beliefs need to be examined.

Also, people who want to be “good” are potentially missing out on a lot of pleasure.

In fact I just had this session with a gentleman and his body responded so beautifully to the prostate massage and I was able to milk him and everything but afterward he’s like “I’m not sure if I liked” it even though his body loved it!

It was mental about his beliefs!

What I recommend and what I do is my clients is to walk through and actually look at what your beliefs are.

One way to do this is to keep asking “so what does that mean” and find out what meanings anal sex and anal pleasure have for you.

Once you start figuring out what it means to you internally then you can ask “is this belief supporting me?”.

One of the biggest things I hear from couples is that one partner wants to try something and the other one does not want to.

This is where we would ask “are these beliefs still supporting you? Are they you helping you actually move forward in your life and in your relationship?”

When one partner wants to explore and experience things and they just they’re running up against brick wall that can cause a lot of damage to the relationship.

Just because one partner is not into something doesn’t mean that the other partner should go without (in my opinion).

If you do examine your beliefs and anal sex is still is a no-go then you two can start looking at other options as far as experiences go.

I would love to hear if you do any kind of work to uncover your beliefs and if you’re surprised at what they are.

As far as my personal journey, when I started playing around with anal stimulation I had a lot of concern about how it looked how it smelled and I was I was very concerned.

I found out very quickly though that there are plenty of ways to be clean.

When my concerns are about how it looks I have to remember – it’s how it looks as what it is. A butthole looks like a butthole. And if your partner likes buttholes, then they are going to like how it looks.