How your beliefs can hurt you during anal sex with Anal Sex Coach Nikki

Are you wondering how your belief system could actually hurt you during anal sex?

I’m Sex Coach Nikki http://NikkiLundberg.com. I find the number one reason people are experiencing pain during anal sex or even thinking anal sex is because of their belief system around it.

This is one of the areas I really work through with my clients – looking at what their belief systems are around anal pleasure and anal sex.

We all have beliefs and programming around what it means to enjoy anal pleasure and even about the anal area in general.

Most of these beliefs were learned from our family, religion and culture.

One way out family can influence us is as a baby during potty-training often the parents and family will use phrases like “ooh yuckey bottom”, and “clean your butt” and we’re repeatedly shamed over and over as a little baby.

One of the ways our culture influences us is by first off being anti-homosexual but secondly by correlating anal pleasure for me with homosexuality.

The way religion can influence your beliefs around sex is by teaching that sex is only for procreation.

You don’t want to have anal sex because that’s not going to cause procreation and it’s definitely for pleasure only.

These types of beliefs lead to viewing anal pleasure as dirty, perverted, naughty and nasty.

Often people can get an erotic thrill out of being a “bad boy” or “bad girl” and that’s great!

But for those who don’t and feel shame and guilt about the way they enjoy their bodies these beliefs need to be examined.

Also, people who want to be “good” are potentially missing out on a lot of pleasure.

In fact I just had this session with a gentleman and his body responded so beautifully to the prostate massage and I was able to milk him and everything but afterward he’s like “I’m not sure if I liked” it even though his body loved it!

It was mental about his beliefs!

What I recommend and what I do is my clients is to walk through and actually look at what your beliefs are.

One way to do this is to keep asking “so what does that mean” and find out what meanings anal sex and anal pleasure have for you.

Once you start figuring out what it means to you internally then you can ask “is this belief supporting me?”.

One of the biggest things I hear from couples is that one partner wants to try something and the other one does not want to.

This is where we would ask “are these beliefs still supporting you? Are they you helping you actually move forward in your life and in your relationship?”

When one partner wants to explore and experience things and they just they’re running up against brick wall that can cause a lot of damage to the relationship.

Just because one partner is not into something doesn’t mean that the other partner should go without (in my opinion).

If you do examine your beliefs and anal sex is still is a no-go then you two can start looking at other options as far as experiences go.

I would love to hear if you do any kind of work to uncover your beliefs and if you’re surprised at what they are.

As far as my personal journey, when I started playing around with anal stimulation I had a lot of concern about how it looked how it smelled and I was I was very concerned.

I found out very quickly though that there are plenty of ways to be clean.

When my concerns are about how it looks I have to remember – it’s how it looks as what it is. A butthole looks like a butthole. And if your partner likes buttholes, then they are going to like how it looks.

Gratitude For Your Sex

Do You Have Gratitude For Your Sex?

root chakraThe World English Dictionary defines gratitude as “a feeling of thankfulness or appreciation, as for a gift or favors”.

Yes, gratitude is a feeling, but in my understanding it is so much more.  Gratitude can be an action and an attitude as well.  Now apply this to your sex.  Take a moment, a deep breath, and check in with your gut and your genitals.  When I do this I feel a sense of expansion in my pelvic region.

What do you feel? 

ball and chain of shameNow, reflect on your attitude toward your sex.  I have felt different ways about my sex at different times in my life.  Now is a time for noticing and not judging.  For most of my life and even sometimes nowadays I have not been grateful for my sex.  My desires don’t fit with what I’ve been trained to believe is good and acceptable.  There have been times that my appetite for sex and variety made me feel ashamed.  I’ve gotten very frustrated with myself for not being “normal”.  I’ve resented myself for a seeming inability to be satisfied with “normal”.  I’ve ignored my sex and tried to forget about it so I could be more “normal”.  I’ve settled for lackluster experiences so I wouldn’t hurt my partner.  I’ve compromised what was true for me so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the sometimes hard work of getting what I really want.  I’ve felt ashamed for using my sex to manipulate people.  I’ve been self conscious of the way my pussy looked or smelled and of how close it was to my anal area.

How has your attitude toward your sex and sexuality been? 

sex on the brainThink about your actions toward your sex.  My actions have not always shown my gratitude for my sex.  I’ve masturbated hard, even violently, to get it over and done with.  I’ve accepted touch from lovers that didn’t feel good – sometimes even hurt – and done nothing about it.

What have your actions toward your sex been?

5 Ways To Develop Gratitude For Your Sex

My path has been more extreme than some so I will share some of the principles and steps that I have integrated and taken along my journey to being grateful for my sex and sexuality.

  1. Willingness to have a better experience – Without the willingness to experiment and go through the experiences I never would have moved forward with my sexuality.
  2. Developing my relationship with my Higher Power – We have our own definitions of God.  Whether you subscribe to someone else’s definition or have developed your own, find a way to make your sex and sexuality right.
  3. Self reflection – looking inside myself and finding out how I felt about things.  Then, I look at the feeling and see where it’s from – it it’s really from within me or if it is something I feel because I think I should.  Getting honest with myself about what is okay with me and what is not.
  4. Sharing with others in a conscious way – There is a difference between doing something consciously vs. unconsciously.  For much of my life I was unconscious about my sex and when I did wake up about it a little bit I would quickly push it down so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  I didn’t know how to deal with it.  Now I know that by sharing – verbally, in writing and in person – while staying consciously aware of myself – my feelings, my actions and reactions – I love my sex more and more all the time and part of that love is feeling gratitude.
  5. Experimentation And Education – The more I know the more I know I don’t know.  The learning can go on for infinity just like the expansion of pleasure.  The two – learning and expanding pleasure – also go hand in hand.  The more you know about your sex the more you will be able to enjoy it.

 

The Naked Gratitude Project

I invite you to participate in the Naked Gratitude Project as a way to consciously share your sex and your gratitude during November.