My guy (like most) is almost always ready for sex. I (like many women) am not. My sexual energy is often being redirected toward my business and other responsibilities and at the end of the day if I’m too tired I know I can put sex off ’til tomorrow.
A very interesting thing happened as we drove to our destination for our family spring vacation. I realized that I wouldn’t have sex on tap since my daughter would be in the same hotel room. All of a sudden I wanted it – simply because I couldn’t have it without getting creative. This made for a very fun vacation since we were able to flirt and tease each other and I knew that we would have time to let the anticipation build.
The one time we finally did have a chance to get intimate during our trip and the time upon returning home was more intense because of the build up. Here are some tips to re-create this scenario:
Put yourself in a situation where you know you can’t have sex for at least 3 days. Not even solo love:)
Make it playful… flirt and tease during this time of abstinence.
Have a change of scenery – whether that’s a hotel room or a different room in the house. Different locations can have different energy.
Do you feel any excitement stirring in your gut about new possibilities
or maybe pain in your gut from irritations of things not done
and projects not started?
I know I have both!
I have soooo many things I want to do and at the same time I am
remembering new years resolutions I made just 4 months ago
that only lasted 3 weeks.
There are other things that I have stuck to and WOW are those things exciting!
One is my position as The AdventureSex Mentor. I have put some
new content on my site and prepared my first big event.
I am so stinkin’ excited!
As for the resolutions/goals I made at the beginning of the year
I know that I was either not in alignment with them or it was not the
right time for them to manifest. Now I am re-evaluation those to see if I should re-commit.
My question for you is did you make any goals around relationships
or sexuality? If you are in a relationship with a significant other did you
evaluate where you were and where you wanted to be? And if so, did you
have an action plan or break down the goal into bite size pieces to
make sure you had progress? Did you talk to you partner and
agree on these together?
Also, whether you are in a relationship or not, did you have any fantasies or
desires when it came to performance or experiences? I know a lot of people end up
using their sexual needs as a distraction from daily life and feel guilty
about pursuing them and only turn to them as a break from the day to day grind.
Then, we feel guilty because we weren’t spending time the way we thought
we should by being “productive”.
I propose a new way of looking at it. By including sexual goals with the rest of your
life goals you will feel a lot better about indulging in sensual activities.
You will even schedule them into your day and week! Or you will just know
that at some point almost every day you are going to do something for
your sexual pleasure, growth and progress and will embrace it fully with no
guilt or remorse!
My husband and I both took a good hard look at our relationship in January.
There were some changes that had to be made. And we also set some goals.
These were sexual in nature and I’m not sure if you want to hear them
but if you need some ideas let me know.
If you set relationship and sexuality goals in January I’d love to hear them!
I’d also like to know your successes and challenges.
Remember me as a resource when you are going through this process.
I promise total discretion and anonymity:)
1. Exercise your PC muscle regularly (think kegles and/or urine control muscle).
2. ‘If you fail to plan you are planning to fail’ is a saying often applied to business. Apply that to your date night/play time.
3. Make the decision to believe your partner. If they say they like something about you accept it completely – this will build trust for more intimacy.
4. I recommend picking one night a week specifically meant for playing/exploring/trying something new. There is no excuse not to – when you make it a priority you will make it happen.
5. Be honest. It may be painful at first but like good intercourse it feels better and better the more you practice.
6. Breath deeply. Practice this often and when you are intimate it will be second nature. Deep breathing makes for better control and a more full body experience.
7. Be clean. Super clean. As often as possible make sure to be clean and fresh so you will always be ready when the mood strikes. There are ways to take extra steps if you have issues but most people are good with lots of soap and warm water;)
8. ‘Focus on the journey and not the destination’. In intimacy as in life, focusing on the joy of the journey releases the pressure of trying to make something happen and opens you up to actually receiving all the benefits of achieving the goal.
Do you know what a fetish is? There are several meanings and uses for the word fetish and chances are you are more involved in fetishism than you may know. Whole societies can have a fetish, a fetish may or may not have anything to do with sex and while they carry a stigma in our society fetishes can be used to spice up your sex life.
The dictionary has several definitions of fetish. The meaning I will be exploring is sexual and erotic fetishism, although we as a society have a “growth fetish” – we believe that economic and political growth are universal cure-all’s for society’s problems. Another type of fetishism is believing an object, i.e. a talisman or amulet, (think rabbits feet and Voodoo) has mystical powers. The sexual and/or erotic fetishist gets some king of sexual arousal or satisfaction from a thing. While this thing could be a body part, a type of clothing, or some inanimate object; it could also be a type of attitude or mood (Dominant, Cheerful, Submissive, etc.).
Some of the most common fetishes are feet, shoes and golden showers. More uncommon are masking (wearing or seeing others wear a mask) and apotemnophilia (being aroused by getting an amputation). The reason you may not realize you have a fetish is some fetishes are common and socially acceptable – breasts, butts, body shapes and lingerie. Sexual fetishes can start in child hood and last a lifetime or come and go. A sex friendly attitude sees no problem with either, as long as indulging in your fetish does not degrade you quality of life.
Even though fetishes are common they carry a social stigma. Certain forms of fetishes are classified psychological disorders and our society is not always sex-positive. As an adult who wants to continue to develop your sexuality I encourage you to explore fetishes. You may already know what arouses you, or you may need to do some experimenting. Make sure you always go about it in a safe and sane manner. There are professionals to help as well: Dominatrix, sex coaches, and web sites galore. Your city may even have a fetish shop or two. Here in Vegas we have several and the staff are always more than happy to discuss their products and help you figure things out.
Using your fetishes to spice up your sex can be very fun but scary at first. Whether you are single or married you need to get honest with yourself. Don’t judge, just observe. Mentally relax into it. If you are part of a couple make sure the lines of communication are wide open. There are many surprises coming for you and any criticism may slow the flow. Both singles and couples need to make sure to set aside time for sexploration that is all about sensation – giving, receiving, energetically and physically. Agree with yourself and your partner that during your sexperimentation time you will not give energy to stigmas, that you will determine what is right and wrong for you independently of society or well wishing family members. Who knows, at the end of it all you may find that what stimulates you is actually breaking the rules and feeling like you’re being bad;)
To get anything good first you have to desire it. Desire is a powerful energy that is part of the manifestation process.
Unfortunately, many people want to want better sex. They like the idea of it. But they aren’t doing the right things to increase their desire and getting themselves to the point of getting and maintaining desire long enough for better sex to manifest.
Here are 3 steps to re-kindled your sexual desire:
Decide that sex matters. Have a heart to heart with your spouse. You both need to decide that intimacy is a high priority. Review your history to see that your relationship works better with intimacy than without it. Also, make sure that staying married and having a good relationship is a #1 priority (many of us just take that for granted. Actually bring it into your awareness and your conversation). Once you decide as a couple that you would prefer to stay married and have a great relationship then you can begin to focus on your sexual intimacy.
Start fantasizing. Daydream about different scenarios, discuss them with your partner and learn more about them from online. Your largest sexual organ is your brain and getting in the game mentally will greatly increase you desire. This is a process and you need to engage in these activities on a regular basis to create the new thinking patterns in you brain. Once you have new pathways or grooves around sex and you have practice accessing them you will find it much easier to become aroused.
Start experimenting. Love, sex, sensuality etc. all can be kick started by taking action. Sex and sexual energy operate on a feedback loop. You have good sex and you want more. You want good sex so you have it. So on and so forth. Be proactive and get your feedback loop going in a positive direction. Ultimately you are in control of your sex drive.
Practice these 3 steps as often as you can. If you need a quick change in this area then make sure to devote some time each day. Start out alone if you are not comfortable discussing this with your spouse yet. Make sure you take action right away…even right now!
1. Do you know exactly what you want and if so what is that?
2. Are you and your spouse on the same page?
3. What (in a general way) have you done before along these lines?
4. What have you already done to make this fantasy become a reality?
5. What would have to happen to make you consider your experience a success?
The No. 1 factor for the risks associated with the swinging lifestyle is the lack of communication. If you and your spouse are having any of the following problems don’t even consider venturing into “The Lifestyle”
Moral hang ups
Religious hang ups
Resistance to having difficult discussions
Resistance to making time for eachother
You must work through these first! If you don’t, you won’t be able to discuss the specifics that come with “The Lifestyle”.
Things to consider:
What is your motivation?
What are your expectations?
What is necessary to satisfy you?
How will you behave when in swinging situations?
How will you deal with things going badly?
What will you do if there’s a misunderstanding?
What is the bottom line most important thing in your relationship?
It’s worth it to prepare!
You will be with your husband or wife for the rest of your life while chances are you will only be with other swingers for very short periods of time. Invest the most effort into your primary relationship. You may have realized your fantasy but your dream life could become a nightmare. Once you cross the line you can never go back…like virginity there is no restoring monogamy once it is lost. Your forays into the swinging lifestyle will be much more satisfying with the right level of communication.
I liked this video…it is a no nonsense review on the swinging lifestyle.
Couples are smart to review the benefits and risks of the swinging lifestyle. The #1 factor for the risks associated with swinging is the lack of communication. As a couple, each of you need to talk about ALL of your expectations and concerns, no matter what. Anything left out has the potential to cause problems down the road.
Have the discussion beforehand about what you’re expecting. For example, what are you looking for?
To be in the atmosphere
You are not sure what you want and would like to play it by ear
Even though most swing clubs and events have their own rules and guidelines, what are the boundaries for you as a couple?
When it comes to touching – review each body part, not just erogenous zones
Regarding nudity – in public and in private
Is it ok to kiss another person of the opposite sex?
If you talk about these in advance then you will be united when you put yourself in the position to manifest your fantasies.