I’m speaking primarily about men who want more sex than their partners, but desire differences can happen in any relationship, regardless of gender.
When I talk with men about their sex lives, one of the most common complaints I hear is that they’re not having enough sex. Some even joke that they can’t have sexual problems because they’re not having sex at all!
Many men want more sex than they’re currently having. For some, it’s about frequency. For others, it’s about the kind of sex they’re having. You might be having sex regularly but still feel sexually unfulfilled because you’re not experiencing the variety, intimacy, or pleasure you desire.
What Is Sexual Dissatisfaction Costing You?
What is it costing you to feel sexually unfulfilled? Maybe you’re more irritable, frustrated, or unhappy than you’d like to be. Perhaps you’re suppressing your desires or feeling disconnected from an important part of yourself. Over time, that frustration can affect your mood, confidence, and overall sense of well-being.
Maybe you’re having trouble concentrating at work, or the frustration is affecting your productivity. Perhaps physical touch is an important way you experience love, and without that connection, you’re feeling lonely, rejected, or disconnected from your partner. You might even find yourself questioning your relationship or wondering whether you’ll ever feel free to express your sexuality.
Just because your spouse has less interest in sex than you do doesn’t mean you have to stop exploring your own sexuality. Your sexual desires, pleasure, and personal growth belong to you, and you can continue developing that part of yourself whether or not your partner shares the same level of interest.
Become Your Own Best Lover
One of the best ways to start feeling more sexually fulfilled is to improve your masturbation practice. Develop a deeper relationship with yourself and your sexuality, making the experience more satisfying than simply jacking off and releasing as quickly as possible.
Instead of treating masturbation as just another activity to pass the time, like watching TV or playing video games, make it an opportunity to connect with yourself. Explore your body, your desires, and what brings you pleasure. By becoming your own best lover, you can develop a more satisfying relationship with your sexuality and become less dependent on partnered sex to meet all your sexual needs. You may discover that pleasure, connection, and fulfillment go far beyond ejaculation alone.
If you’d like to explore more ways to connect with your sexuality, read Why Do You Want Better Sex? Start With Your Why.
When You’re in a Sexless Relationship
This is especially for you if you’re in a sexless marriage or relationship and want to honor your commitment to your partner while also honoring your own sexual needs. Maybe being a good husband, father, or partner is important to you, and you’re struggling to figure out how your sexuality fits into that picture.
What have you done to address this problem? Maybe you’ve approached your spouse about having more sex but experienced repeated rejection. Over time, you may stop initiating because you don’t want to keep feeling that hurt. Being turned down again and again can leave you feeling unwanted, disconnected, and afraid to make another attempt.
You might start suppressing your desires, downplaying their importance, or trying to ignore them altogether. Instead, you throw yourself into work, raising the kids, taking care of the house, tackling projects, getting involved in church, or finding countless other ways to stay busy.
When Sexual Frustration Leads to Difficult Choices
Staying busy might help distract you for a while, but your unmet desires may continue to grow. Some men eventually look outside their relationships for sexual fulfillment, whether through an affair, hiring an escort, or seeking a sensual massage. Others may begin questioning their relationship agreements or exploring different ways to meet their needs.
I’m not here to judge those choices. However, for some men, seeking sexual fulfillment outside their relationship conflicts with their beliefs about marriage, loyalty, and monogamy. That conflict can be painful, especially when they feel torn between honoring their commitments and honoring their sexual desires.
Talk About Sex Without Pressure
You need to find a way to talk with your spouse about sex without making them feel responsible for satisfying your sexual needs. Instead of focusing only on what you’re missing, get curious about their experience. What do they want? How could intimacy become more enjoyable for them? Are there things getting in the way? The goal isn’t to convince your partner to have more sex. It’s to discover what could make your intimate connection more satisfying for both of you.
Most people want sex to be enjoyable and satisfying. If your partner isn’t experiencing much pleasure, is exhausted, feels uncomfortable in their body, or experiences pain during sex, it’s understandable that they may not be interested in having more of it. Instead of assuming they simply don’t want sex, get curious about what’s affecting their desire and what might help them enjoy intimacy more.
When your partner is already overwhelmed with responsibilities, your desire for more sex may feel like one more demand on their time and energy. Instead of something they look forward to, intimacy can start feeling like another chore on an already long to-do list.
For more information about sexual desire and differences between partners, explore the educational resources at the International Society for Sexual Medicine.
Create More Opportunities for Intimacy
Take time to understand your partner’s needs and wants. Sometimes what they need most is a break from everyday responsibilities. Sharing household chores, parenting duties, and other responsibilities can help reduce stress and create more room for connection. But don’t do these things expecting sex in return. Do them because you’re partners who care about each other’s well-being. When both people feel supported and appreciated, it can be easier to make space for intimacy.
For practical ideas, read How to Make Time for Intimacy in Your Relationship.
Make Sex More Enjoyable for Both of You
So how can you make intimacy more enjoyable for both of you? Start by improving your skills in pleasure, communication, and romance. Talk with your partner about what they enjoy, what they desire, and what might help them feel more connected to you. When sex becomes something you both genuinely look forward to, you create the possibility for more frequent and fulfilling intimacy.
You can also explore How to Get in the Mood for Sex for additional ideas.
Keep Exploring Your Pleasure Together
Want more ideas for improving intimacy, exploring pleasure, and creating a more satisfying sex life? Check out my book, Mild To Wild: Fun and Easy Ways To Heighten Your Intimacy, for practical ways to deepen your connection and bring more variety and enjoyment into your relationship.