Self Pleasure Practice Experience – An Example Of What’s Possible

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy from Pexels

My self pleasure session this morning started with the desire to cum, to relieve the pressure built up from erotic experiences and from life.  This week has been filled with pool parties, clients, and family.  Anticipating another big get-together this afternoon, I wanted to take care of myself to not be stressed.  I can be present for others much more easily when I have my deepest needs and desires met.  I’m so grateful I did!

I began my time with light touch over my entire body.  This is how I’ve learned to turn my whole self on.  Doing this is a special treat as many times when I masturbate, it is a means to an end, and I don’t focus on enjoying the journey due to lack of time.  Put on porn and create friction.  Done.

Touching myself, stroking all over my body, teasing my genitals – all feels so good and also indulgent.

Why indulgent?  It’s what I and many of us have been taught to do to a lover, not ourselves.  Caressing, pressing, touching for the simple enjoyment of the feel of being touched.  And teasing – I used to wonder – how can I tease myself?  I used to think it’s like ticking myself – almost impossible.  With practice and mindfulness, I’ve learned how to touch myself in such a way that it feels like a tease, which has my body respond as though it is being teased.  Teasing is so important to me because it allows time for anticipation to build up physically.  It’s this passage of time with the teasing that makes me feel genuinely ready for friction.

After caressing my entire body, I then approach my pussy.  Going lightly.  Using my left hand.  Staying on the outside for a long time, massaging my labia and all around my clit until I’m ready for direct clitoral stimulation.  I apply lube to lightly caress my inner labia and clit hood, leading up to touching my clit.  Using strokes I learned from orgasmic meditation on myself.  Staying with myself.  Staying focused on sensations as thoughts and memories from this last week meandered through my mind.

Recalling yesterday, the first time in a long time someone tried to shame me for being a sex worker and polyamorous.  Feeling that pang of doubt and fear.  I did not ask for his feedback.  It came after I posted my video about wanting to help women have a better relationship with their pussy.  I’m expanding outside my safe bubble of people who know and love me.  Feeling that sharp energy, I decided to incorporate it into my sex, a technique I learned from practicing energetic sex with Monique Darling and Lawrence Lanoff.  Taking in the energy of the thing and transmuting it for my pleasure.  The turn-on in my body increased.  I started massaging my vulva with my whole hand, energetically “fucking the hater.” This had me crack up because I’m sure that’s not the context he was thinking of our connection happening.  He was wanting me to fuck him in another way…

With the release of that negativity and a new level of arousal, memories of my erotic encounters of the week started coming to mind even more vividly.  Fabulous experiences with clients on the erotic spectrum from sweet to incredibly intense.  Experiences with people in my private life where we are exploring different levels of intimacy and connection with each other that are so delicious.  I love the variety.  I noticed how my mind was, in a way, looking to hook on to one person or another and decided no, I want to hook onto myself, my higher self or true self.  I bounced my mind back and forth from remembered experiences to the moment at hand, so to speak, and my body opened even more.

Waiting until my pussy opens and calls in penetration is also so good and against my training to please a man.  Old thoughts stop me – it takes too long, I can just use lube, I’ll get turned on soon, so why make him wait?  Things like that, compromising my pleasure for his.  Making my sex primarily about his pleasure.  When I have the time to open and have the desire build, then everything feels better, sweeter, and more electric.

As I feel the inside of myself and a thought about my ex strolls through my mind, I pause and take the time to breathe and hold myself. I keep my left hand on my vulva, fingers curled into the opening of my vaginal canal, holding myself so securely, I can feel my pubic bones in my hand.  My right hand on my heart.  I breathe and feel, and rather than going down the rabbit hole of grief, I focus on the sensation of being held and safe.  I breathe and relax and feel the sensations of being touched and held in the most intimate and caring way possible.  My arousal builds, and I want more internal stimulation, more pressure, and the feeling of being full.

I get my dildo and add lube to it.  And I go slow, again teasing myself, the way I like to be teased with a cock when I’m with a lover.  Drawing the tip of the dildo from my pubic bone down to the opening of my vulva, dipping it in a bit, then pulling it out to feel it slide up and across my clitoris.

I repeat this motion many times, penetrating a bit deeper with every stroke until finally, I’m feeling the dildo all the way in stretching my vaginal canal.  I alternate between clitoral stimulation and using the dildo for vaginal stimulation, giving myself lots of variety.

I could feel my body shift as I got into the climax zone.  I slowed my activities.  My mind wanted to go into fantasy as I have a habit of doing when I need to cum quick and use porn.  I decided no, today I wanted to practice being free of that hook and again be connected to my true self.  I gave myself time to enjoy being on the edge, giving myself stimulation to increase arousal but being careful to relax and enjoy too.  As I felt myself get so close to climax that anything I did would make me go over the edge, I rhythmically pumped the dildo in and out of my pussy with my left hand and gave my clit firm circles with the right.  I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of going over the edge, feeling my muscles spasm, and the pleasure run through my entire body.

As my climax passed, my heart space felt so open, and tears came to my eyes.  This has happened with lovers before – post-climax, in each other’s arms, I feel a drop, and I cry.  This is the first time I experienced it from loving myself. And I realized that I was crying simply because I felt so good.  The whole experience had given me such a sense of love and relief.  I let myself lay and soak in that energy for a bit, feeling so grateful that I am able to have experienced all these different sensations just now.

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Connect with me on facebook for the 100 Pussy Project https://www.facebook.com/nikki.lundberg

See what the project is all about in this post Focusing On Female Pleasure, Confidence, Strength, and Power – (nikkilundberg.com)

Romance, Polyamory and Personal Integrity

Romance is the most tender part of many people’s lives and often the most difficult to talk about.  This is where we can feel most vulnerable – not only personally but also as a unit with our loves (both family and romantic). We feel like we have so much judgement on ourselves and others – usually negative judgement – it’s easiest to ignore any issues or problems.  People also share about this area the least because we don’t want it to negatively affect people we are with.

I have valuable and powerful experiences with relationships and polyamory that I can share.  I often draw on my own life experiences when I’m coaching rather than theory.  I also work well with people who are seeing therapists for couples counseling.  Working in a triad (you, me and your therapist) is a powerful approach for better communication in your relationship.

Here is a personal example: I’m talking with my boyfriend about the possibility of dating other men and how that would look. I recognize my programming around relationships all supports monogamy.  Monogamy is like the default and the way of least resistance – easy to fall into and not think. However, it’s not honest for me to try to make a monogamous relationship work – to make it conform to meet my needs.  It’s important to have integrity with myself and live in a way that supports me and those around me as much as possible.  Just because I identify as polyamorous doesn’t mean that in practice I am honoring that part of myself.

When I work with people I help them identify their beliefs and programing and to consider if those beliefs are serving them.  I guide them to look at behaviors and reactions that come from running on auto-pilot and look for ways to be more awake, aware and conscious.  This is how I support people to make decisions from a place of love vs. a place of unconsciousness.

Send me an email if you would like to talk about working through some of your beliefs and programming so you can make decisions that keep you in integrity with yourself.

Warmly,
Nikki
Sex Coach
Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com

Connection Thru Masturbation

masturbation coaching with sex coach NikkiConnection and wanting to feel connected are high on everyone’s list.  These are also potential benefits of mindful masturbation!

How does this happen?

When you create a mindful masturbation practice (with or without masturbation coaching) you begin to sensitize yourself to more subtle physical stimulation.  Part of sensitizing yourself is improving your attention (both the quality of your attention as well as the quantity or span).  This sensitivity to subtle sensations and improved attention shows up in all areas of your life.  You will be more likely to pick up on subtle cues and clues from those around you to know what they are trying to communicate and how they are feeling.

If you are interested in working with a sex coach online or a sex coach in Las Vegas you should set up an exploratory session with Sex Coach Nikki. Exploratory sessions are free. Email her at Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com or text her at 702.674.6606 to schedule a time for an initial chat.

Although Nikki is not a licensed sex therapist working with her is very therapeutic and could have many benefits for your sex life and your sexual health. She coaches in person, over the phone and on skype.  Masturbation coaching is her favorite tool!  Masturbation done mindfully and with purpose can help improve libido, give you control over premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation, lead to becoming multi-orgasmic, ease pain during sex (for both genders) as well as make your solo sex life more satisfying and give you the capacity to feel more connected to the people around you.

Non Violent Communication Is A Great Tool!

To bridge the gap between the masculine “how” and the feminine “what”.  I’ve suggested this tool to several clients over the last couple weeks with great success.

Many of us are verbally abusive or violent with our partners and we don’t even realize it.  We dominate, manipulate, and give guilt trips in order to communicate how we feel.  We can use passive aggressiveness, aggressive aggressiveness, sarcasm, stonewalling and more to try to convey when we are upset.

Usually, this causes the other person to become defensive, and we all know the best defense is a good offense.  So they strike back at us, verbally, and the situation escalates.  If this was happening with physical violence we would never tolerate it.  Since it’s verbal though many of us turn a blind eye.

I don’t agree with everything taught in Non Violent Communication but I think a lot of it is useful.  Often times people have a really hard time getting vulnerable and sharing what is really going on.  It may have been so long that there is barely any trust left with their partner.  This is a feminine and messy and can be really hard to reach.  The structure in the Non Violent Communication gives a masculine container to use to express our emotions and wild feminine vulnerability.

If you are having a difficult time expressing feelings and being vulnerable definitely check this site out for some resources.

https://www.cnvc.org/

Monogamy Vs. Non-Monogamy | Social Conditioning

The hardest part of “coming out” was to acknowledge and accept that I am not monogamous to myself. I felt a lot of judgment for myself because of the stories/programming/conditioning I had around what monogamy and non-monogamy meant. Their meaning didn’t match up to my definition of self and that meant I was going to be out of integrity with myself – and for me that is like being in purgatory. I have to be right with myself first or nothing else works.

wedding ringsHere are the characteristics that came with monogamy according to my conditioning: a person who is monogamous is caring, loyal, loving, dependable, reliable, humble, trustworthy. They are able to put the needs of the many before the needs of the individual and therefore are also more generous, fair and civil minded than others. These characteristics would also manifest in every other area of their life so that a monogamous person will also have a great work ethic, contribute to society, always take care of their own family and so on and so forth.

On the other hand, I had the belief that the characteristics of a non-monogamous person: dishonest, selfish, self centered, careless, driven by lust, couldn’t care about family or bonds. They would put their own needs ahead of anyone else’s at whatever cost to the other people as long as they were satisfied. These people were not to be trusted or relied upon under any circumstances. They would suck others into their deceitful manipulative lifestyle any chance they got.

So you can see how I had a hard time accepting being non-monogamous. I did my best to practice the values of the monogamous person. A part of me was dying inside because I wasn’t being true to myself. I couldn’t reconcile the differences between how I felt inside (non-monogamous) and the kind of life I wanted to live (positive and generative). It is only through experiencing acceptance, tolerance, love and approval from others and myself that I have been able to see that these definitions have nothing to do with reality. They have to do with social norms, control, repression, and shame.

Cultivating Pleasure

Cultivate Pleasure With Sex Coach NikkiTo cultivate is to acquire or develop (a quality, sentiment, or skill).  In what ways do you cultivate yourself?  Are you mindful about what you do in preparation of receiving what you desire?  Do you have conscious daily practices in place?

In the past these concepts were foreign to me.  I knew about wanting to have a better life.  I knew that I had to do something different than my parents if I wanted a different experience.  But I had no idea where to start.  I was open to suggestions…  and that’s when I started on my journey.

I learned ways to let go of what I already knew so I could embrace new ideas and beliefs.  I became willing to try new things, to play and experiment, and to push to the edge of my comfort zone often.

Things that worked were honesty, positivity, creativity, and exploration.  During this process I learned new skills, picked up new habits and ultimately began to take on higher level practices.  These are all bringing me what I desire and preparing me for even more!

Here is a list of practices I do on a regular basis – if not daily – that cultivate me for the life I desire.

  • fellowship
  • Orgasmic Meditation
  • Masturbation Meditation
  • exercise
  • mindfully eat whole food
  • journal
  • immerse myself in learning environments
  • have family time
  • play

What’s amazing is that the more I take care of myself the more it seems my life is taken care for me.

I’ve been doing a lot with Orgasmic Meditation (OM) and while I love it, when it comes down to it, OM is a partnered practice.  With Masturbation Meditation you can have your practice solo.

For the last 3 years every May I’ve offered the 30 Day Self Pleasure Program for Masturbation Awareness Month.  This year I’m revamping it completely, adding all I’ve learned, and putting it together to present to you with a bow on top.

If you are interested in receiving the details as things develop Email me at Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com and I’ll make sure you get all the insider info.

25 Year Old Virgin Couple Due To Vaginal Pain

Private coaching sessions are available via phone, webcam and in person.

For more information visit http://www.nikkilundberg.com/sex-coach-products-and-services/private-sessions/

There are many sexually conservative cultures throughout the world.  I work with you to observe your comfort levels and provide the most informative pleasurable experience possible.

sex coaching for conservative couples Sex Coach Nikki Lundberg

sex coaching for conservative couples Sex Coach Nikki Lundberg

 

 

A great resource for people suffering from Vaginismus is http://vaginismus.org/

Happy New Year!

I am super excited for 2014 because every year has gotten gotten better and better for me and 2013 was fricken amazing.  The last week was no exception…

Couples Sex Coach Session For Christmas Part 1

I met with a couple who were visiting from out of town.  They had been looking online for a massage therapist and came across my site.  Seeing that in addition to offering massage I also offer sex coaching they set up an appointment with me.

They were very nervous.  Neither one of them had done anything like this before.  They were in their mid – 20s and were both virgins.  This was not by choice.  They had been in a committed relationship for several years but had several problems when it came time for penetrative sex.  This had caused their passion to wane and even though they had enjoyed oral sex in the past the fun had even left that because of their frustration.

When I arrived we discussed their situation and their histories.  They were both from a very conservative culture that didn’t allow for free sexual expression and experimentation.  They had never found someone to consult with.  They said they would be much more comfortable if I would be nude with them as they were very ashamed of all these issues and I offered it.  Seeing and being seen is the best way I’ve found to release shame.

I began with examining her.  She said she felt pain in her vagina.  I slowly examined from the outside starting with the abdomen and vulva asking all the time what her arousal level was.  When she reported that she was more than 50% aroused I began exploring her inner labia, clitoral hood and clitoris.  Still all pleasure – no pain.

While I was working with her the boyfriend asked if he was allowed to touch himself.  I said sure that it was normal and natural and this was an erotic situation.  He was surprised he wasn’t more physically aroused and I explained it was because even though this situation might be very close to the fantasies he held in his mind I was still keeping things fairly clinical.  I suggested he enjoy what was happening rather than judging it against what he thought should be happening.

Continuing my examination I began to slowly penetrate her vaginal opening (the entroitus).  Now the pain started.  Pinchy.  Burning.  Bad.  I got out some castor oil and applied it liberally to my finger and to her vulva.  Slowly – painfully slowly – I sunk my fingertip into her pussy.  The majority of the pain was strongest on the bottom.  I shifted the pressure to the top of the opening and that worked until I got to the second knuckle and then she felt pain there too.  I noticed that she would tense up periodically and I pointed out the signs to her boyfriend so he could tell when he need to slow down just by her non-verbal cues.

 

Improve Your Sex Life part 1

Give Your Sex Life A Fresh Start

sex pen n paper improve your sex lifeThe first step to improve your sex life is to acknowledge what has already happened.  This is the hard work that many of us try to avoid.

Taking stock of the current state of affairs and the past can be very helpful.  It can also be harmful.

Try the following two exercises:(tip: read all the suggestions first before starting)

  1. Get into your body.  Breath deeply and notice how you feel in the moment.
  2. With a pen and paper make a list of all the things that aren’t the way you want them to be in your sex life.  Acknowledge them.  Contrast brings clarity but only if you see it.
  3. Notice your physical sensations.  Notice when things feel bad in your body.  Avoid being too hard on yourself and dwelling in the negative.
  4. Be as objective as possible.  You are noticing and acknowledging, not judging.
  5. Release the negative feelings you have tied to these things.  The best way to do this is to take personal responsibility for your experience.  That gives you the power to change your future experiences.  If someone else seems to be to blame take a deep breath and look at how you might have put yourself in the position to be hurt.

Once you have completed the above exercise pause, breath, and move on to the next exercise.

It’s time to look at the positives.

  1. Make sure you’re in your body.
  2. Again with the pen and paper – write down all the things that are good/positive/going the way you want.
  3. Make this list as long as your first list and then add 5 more things.

This exercise will help you to develop an attitude of gratitude and will help you to operate on a higher vibration making it easier to attract and manifest those things that bring you pleasure.

Find someone to share these lists with.  If you can’t find someone you are welcome to send them to me.  Why?  Because being witnessed is the best way to release shame.  Chances are you have some shame around the things that didn’t go well.  By sharing them and putting the light of day on them their power diminishes.  You may also get great feedback that can aid in acknowledging and releasing the negativity!

A Fresh Start For Your Sex Life In 3 Steps

Fresh start in your sex lifeIt’s December and I love it when a new month starts!

I know we can start fresh anytime – and, for some reason turning to a new calendar month helps a little more. It’s like I mentally and emotionally loosen my energetic grip a bit.

Why would you want to start fresh?

Whether what’s happened before was good or was bad (in my judgement) it can take the power out of our present if we don’t release it.  If it was bad we can be dragged down by the negativity.  If it was good we could rest on our laurels and be under motivated in the present.  My November was mostly great personally and professionally and while that is exciting I also had a few things happen that I didn’t love.

By letting go of all that has happened previously and starting new I can open myself up to not only living in the present but also feeling my desire, benefiting from the energy of that desire, feeling the strength of my sex drive and libido, and make sure I’m on track with my sexual health and sexual progress.

There’s a saying

“If you live with one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow you’re pissing all over today”.

Is starting fresh a challenge?

If you are struggling with making a fresh start I have a few suggestions that might help the process.

  1. Acknowledge what has already happened.
  2. Find a way to release it.
  3. Fantasize and visualize how you want things to be.

I’ll be sharing more about each of these steps in the coming week so make sure to sign up for my newsletter by claiming your free vulva stimulation guide on the right=====>

Too Busy For Sex?

too busy for sex?  Sex Coach Nikki can helpI have been making some updates to this site the last couple of days and just realized that I haven’t written a blog post for over 2 months.  Unbelievable!  I mean, I get lots of satisfaction from writing.  It helps with all kinds of things – helping people, SEO, creating community, etc. yet I went without.

Why?

I was too busy.

I kept putting it off.  I forgot about it.  When I did think of it the time wasn’t right.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?  You put off something you know you like and benefit from due to seemingly good reasons and before you knew it a very long time has passed?

This happens a lot with sex and intimacy.  The obstacles are different for different people but the result is the same – a feeling of having missed out.  Other feelings are overwhelm at the prospect of getting started up again, embarrassment or shame for for having dropped the ball, anger and resentment at self for failing… lots of negatives.

Acknowledge and move on.

As much as every day can be a new beginning, so can every hug, every show of affection, every kind word.  Do what you need to do to start over.

Having a hard time with that?  That’s where someone like me comes in.  Find someone to talk to that can help you process through the crap and start fresh.  Someone who can help you identify your story or programming and break it up if it’s not working for you.

That’s the process I’m going through now with all my websites.  I’m grateful I don’t have to do that with my sex and sexuality (this time).