Romance is the most tender part of many people’s lives and often the most difficult to talk about. This is where we can feel most vulnerable – not only personally but also as a unit with our loves (both family and romantic). We feel like we have so much judgement on ourselves and others – usually negative judgement – it’s easiest to ignore any issues or problems. People also share about this area the least because we don’t want it to negatively affect people we are with.
I have valuable and powerful experiences with relationships and polyamory that I can share. I often draw on my own life experiences when I’m coaching rather than theory. I also work well with people who are seeing therapists for couples counseling. Working in a triad (you, me and your therapist) is a powerful approach for better communication in your relationship.
Here is a personal example: I’m talking with my boyfriend about the possibility of dating other men and how that would look. I recognize my programming around relationships all supports monogamy. Monogamy is like the default and the way of least resistance – easy to fall into and not think. However, it’s not honest for me to try to make a monogamous relationship work – to make it conform to meet my needs. It’s important to have integrity with myself and live in a way that supports me and those around me as much as possible. Just because I identify as polyamorous doesn’t mean that in practice I am honoring that part of myself.
When I work with people I help them identify their beliefs and programing and to consider if those beliefs are serving them. I guide them to look at behaviors and reactions that come from running on auto-pilot and look for ways to be more awake, aware and conscious. This is how I support people to make decisions from a place of love vs. a place of unconsciousness.
Send me an email if you would like to talk about working through some of your beliefs and programming so you can make decisions that keep you in integrity with yourself.
Connection and wanting to feel connected are high on everyone’s list. These are also potential benefits of mindful masturbation!
How does this happen?
When you create a mindful masturbation practice (with or without masturbation coaching) you begin to sensitize yourself to more subtle physical stimulation. Part of sensitizing yourself is improving your attention (both the quality of your attention as well as the quantity or span). This sensitivity to subtle sensations and improved attention shows up in all areas of your life. You will be more likely to pick up on subtle cues and clues from those around you to know what they are trying to communicate and how they are feeling.
If you are interested in working with a sex coach online or a sex coach in Las Vegas you should set up an exploratory session with Sex Coach Nikki. Exploratory sessions are free. Email her at Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com or text her at 702.674.6606 to schedule a time for an initial chat.
Although Nikki is not a licensed sex therapist working with her is very therapeutic and could have many benefits for your sex life and your sexual health. She coaches in person, over the phone and on skype. Masturbation coaching is her favorite tool! Masturbation done mindfully and with purpose can help improve libido, give you control over premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation, lead to becoming multi-orgasmic, ease pain during sex (for both genders) as well as make your solo sex life more satisfying and give you the capacity to feel more connected to the people around you.
To bridge the gap between the masculine “how” and the feminine “what”. I’ve suggested this tool to several clients over the last couple weeks with great success.
Many of us are verbally abusive or violent with our partners and we don’t even realize it. We dominate, manipulate, and give guilt trips in order to communicate how we feel. We can use passive aggressiveness, aggressive aggressiveness, sarcasm, stonewalling and more to try to convey when we are upset.
Usually, this causes the other person to become defensive, and we all know the best defense is a good offense. So they strike back at us, verbally, and the situation escalates. If this was happening with physical violence we would never tolerate it. Since it’s verbal though many of us turn a blind eye.
I don’t agree with everything taught in Non Violent Communication but I think a lot of it is useful. Often times people have a really hard time getting vulnerable and sharing what is really going on. It may have been so long that there is barely any trust left with their partner. This is a feminine and messy and can be really hard to reach. The structure in the Non Violent Communication gives a masculine container to use to express our emotions and wild feminine vulnerability.
If you are having a difficult time expressing feelings and being vulnerable definitely check this site out for some resources.
The hardest part of “coming out” was to acknowledge and accept that I am not monogamous to myself. I felt a lot of judgment for myself because of the stories/programming/conditioning I had around what monogamy and non-monogamy meant. Their meaning didn’t match up to my definition of self and that meant I was going to be out of integrity with myself – and for me that is like being in purgatory. I have to be right with myself first or nothing else works.
Here are the characteristics that came with monogamy according to my conditioning: a person who is monogamous is caring, loyal, loving, dependable, reliable, humble, trustworthy. They are able to put the needs of the many before the needs of the individual and therefore are also more generous, fair and civil minded than others. These characteristics would also manifest in every other area of their life so that a monogamous person will also have a great work ethic, contribute to society, always take care of their own family and so on and so forth.
On the other hand, I had the belief that the characteristics of a non-monogamous person: dishonest, selfish, self centered, careless, driven by lust, couldn’t care about family or bonds. They would put their own needs ahead of anyone else’s at whatever cost to the other people as long as they were satisfied. These people were not to be trusted or relied upon under any circumstances. They would suck others into their deceitful manipulative lifestyle any chance they got.
So you can see how I had a hard time accepting being non-monogamous. I did my best to practice the values of the monogamous person. A part of me was dying inside because I wasn’t being true to myself. I couldn’t reconcile the differences between how I felt inside (non-monogamous) and the kind of life I wanted to live (positive and generative). It is only through experiencing acceptance, tolerance, love and approval from others and myself that I have been able to see that these definitions have nothing to do with reality. They have to do with social norms, control, repression, and shame.
My husband and I began living a polyamorous lifestyle in spring of 2013. We are consensually non-monogamous. We both date casually as well as carrying on serious romantic commitments with others. We agree to always let each other know where we are, to make sure our daughter is taken care of as a team, and to use condoms of vaginal and anal penetration unless otherwise agreed upon.
Things weren’t always this way. We married in 2004 and set about fitting into our roles of husband and wife. This included monogamy. The journey from there to here has been full of struggles and surprises and I know my experience can shed some light on your path – not to help you avoid the growing pains but to support you in moving through them and alchemizing them into success.
In life we experience many continuums – in numbers, health, and economics to name a few. Sexuality and gender identity also operate on a continuum. For example, people can identify anywhere from 100% homosexual to 100% heterosexual, from 100% cisgender to 100% transgender, and from 100% monogamous to 100% open/polyamorous. Where people land on the spectrum as individuals is not always a fixed point and for some people this point of identification may be more fluid than for others.
It is all well and good to know about the different ways a person can identify intellectually but when you or someone you know are working through the process of self-identification practically it can be very challenging for them and all those around them. Love, tolerance, acceptance and approval are values that are the most useful in these situations. Also very important are good communication, honesty and healthy boundaries.
I have found there are 2 times the process of identification is the most painful. One is when you are going through and figuring things out for yourself and your experience isn’t lining up with what you want or expect it to be. The other is when someone you are in a relationship with changes how they identify and their new location on the continuum in incompatible in the current configuration of your relationship.
Both are heart wrenching in different ways but some of the same solutions will work for both problems. In the upcoming blogs I will share about my personal journey, what I learned and how you can apply it in your own life.
It’s December and I love it when a new month starts!
I know we can start fresh anytime – and, for some reason turning to a new calendar month helps a little more. It’s like I mentally and emotionally loosen my energetic grip a bit.
Why would you want to start fresh?
Whether what’s happened before was good or was bad (in my judgement) it can take the power out of our present if we don’t release it. If it was bad we can be dragged down by the negativity. If it was good we could rest on our laurels and be under motivated in the present. My November was mostly great personally and professionally and while that is exciting I also had a few things happen that I didn’t love.
By letting go of all that has happened previously and starting new I can open myself up to not only living in the present but also feeling my desire, benefiting from the energy of that desire, feeling the strength of my sex drive and libido, and make sure I’m on track with my sexual health and sexual progress.
There’s a saying
“If you live with one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow you’re pissing all over today”.
Is starting fresh a challenge?
If you are struggling with making a fresh start I have a few suggestions that might help the process.
Acknowledge what has already happened.
Find a way to release it.
Fantasize and visualize how you want things to be.
I’ll be sharing more about each of these steps in the coming week so make sure to sign up for my newsletter by claiming your free vulva stimulation guide on the right=====>
I have been making some updates to this site the last couple of days and just realized that I haven’t written a blog post for over 2 months. Unbelievable! I mean, I get lots of satisfaction from writing. It helps with all kinds of things – helping people, SEO, creating community, etc. yet I went without.
I was too busy.
I kept putting it off. I forgot about it. When I did think of it the time wasn’t right.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? You put off something you know you like and benefit from due to seemingly good reasons and before you knew it a very long time has passed?
This happens a lot with sex and intimacy. The obstacles are different for different people but the result is the same – a feeling of having missed out. Other feelings are overwhelm at the prospect of getting started up again, embarrassment or shame for for having dropped the ball, anger and resentment at self for failing… lots of negatives.
Acknowledge and move on.
As much as every day can be a new beginning, so can every hug, every show of affection, every kind word. Do what you need to do to start over.
Having a hard time with that? That’s where someone like me comes in. Find someone to talk to that can help you process through the crap and start fresh. Someone who can help you identify your story or programming and break it up if it’s not working for you.
That’s the process I’m going through now with all my websites. I’m grateful I don’t have to do that with my sex and sexuality (this time).
Fellatio can be a wonderful way to spice up your sex life! The tips I have for you are gleaned from my personal experience, what I’ve gotten compliments on and that sort of thing. Fellatio (as well as cunnilingus) is often thought of as an act of foreplay prior to intercourse, which it can be, but tonight; make it your main event!
Foreplay isn’t just for sex! Build up the anticipation to further excite your partner. This particular act is pretty much all about him, so rock his world! You can kiss down his body, avoiding the penis and scrotum and focusing on his thighs for a few minutes, kissing them all over and running your fingers or tongue lightly over the skin. If you know your man likes it a little rougher, then add more pressure. The point is to allow the excitement to build up before you even touch his package.
Don’t ignore the balls or the perineum; these highly sensitive areas are all too often forgotten about when they are just inches away from your face. Fondle the balls as you suck and lick the penis. You can even gently pull them down and away from the body, with the proper technique this will also delay orgasm for a little bit. Use your fingers to massage the perineum (the small strip of skin between his scrotum and his anus) to stimulate the prostate from the outside. This will increase his pleasure and his orgasm will be much more intense for him.
Where and When? Two things need to be discussed prior to you going down on your guy- where is he going to ejaculate? Are you going to swallow it? Would you prefer that he came on another part of your body or in your mouth? What does he prefer? Some women are able to do this from the get go and men love to be able to push it as far as it will go. Many women have an easy gag reflex and though there are techniques that can help ease this if that is your goal, you want to make sure you both have a clear boundary in line before you’re in the heat of the moment.
Variety! Lick him up and down the shaft and around the head of his penis. The best lube is your spit and lots of it! He’ll love the sensation of your wet lips and tongue all over his package. Use your hands too: You can put your hand at the base of his penis and move it in either circular motions by rotating your hand around his penis as you lick and suck the head, or moving your hand up and down the shaft in tandem with your mouth. The dual and competing sensations will drive him absolutely wild! Just be sure to avoid using your teeth unless you know he’s into it. Teeth are sharp and his penis is sensitive, nothing will kill the mood faster than him sitting up and screaming “Ouch” at the top of his lungs.
Get excited about it! He’ll enjoy receiving much more if he knows you’re enjoying performing!