Coming Out as Non-Monogamous
The hardest part of “coming out” was to acknowledge and accept that I am not monogamous to myself.
I felt a lot of judgment for myself because of the stories/programming/conditioning I had around what monogamy and non-monogamy meant.
Their meaning didn’t match up to my definition of self. That meant I was going to be out of integrity with myself. And for me, that is like being in purgatory.
I have to be right with myself first, or nothing else works.
What I Believed About Monogamy
Here are the characteristics that came with monogamy according to my conditioning:
A person who is monogamous is caring, loyal, loving, dependable, reliable, humble, and trustworthy.
They are able to put the needs of the many before the needs of the individual. Therefore, they are also more generous, fair, and civic-minded than others.
These characteristics would also manifest in every other area of their life. A monogamous person would have a great work ethic, contribute to society, and always take care of their own family. And so on and so forth.
On the other hand, I had the belief that a non-monogamous person was dishonest, selfish, self-centered, careless, and driven by lust. They couldn’t care about family or bonds.
They would put their own needs ahead of anyone else’s, at whatever cost to the other people, as long as they were satisfied.
These people were not to be trusted or relied upon under any circumstances.
They would suck others into their deceitful, manipulative lifestyle any chance they got.
Learning to Accept Myself
So you can see how I had a hard time accepting being non-monogamous.
I did my best to practice the values of the monogamous person.
However, a part of me was dying inside because I wasn’t being true to myself.
I couldn’t reconcile the differences between how I felt inside (non-monogamous) and the kind of life I wanted to live (positive and generative).
It is only through experiencing acceptance, tolerance, love, and approval from others and myself that I have been able to see something different.
These definitions have nothing to do with reality.
They have to do with social norms, control, repression, and shame.
Finding others who understand and accept different relationship choices can be helpful. I’ve also written about how to find a sex-positive community.