Non Violent Communication Is A Great Tool!

To bridge the gap between the masculine “how” and the feminine “what”.  I’ve suggested this tool to several clients over the last couple weeks with great success.

Many of us are verbally abusive or violent with our partners and we don’t even realize it.  We dominate, manipulate, and give guilt trips in order to communicate how we feel.  We can use passive aggressiveness, aggressive aggressiveness, sarcasm, stonewalling and more to try to convey when we are upset.

Usually, this causes the other person to become defensive, and we all know the best defense is a good offense.  So they strike back at us, verbally, and the situation escalates.  If this was happening with physical violence we would never tolerate it.  Since it’s verbal though many of us turn a blind eye.

I don’t agree with everything taught in Non Violent Communication but I think a lot of it is useful.  Often times people have a really hard time getting vulnerable and sharing what is really going on.  It may have been so long that there is barely any trust left with their partner.  This is a feminine and messy and can be really hard to reach.  The structure in the Non Violent Communication gives a masculine container to use to express our emotions and wild feminine vulnerability.

If you are having a difficult time expressing feelings and being vulnerable definitely check this site out for some resources.

https://www.cnvc.org/

25 Year Old Virgin Couple Due To Vaginal Pain

Private coaching sessions are available via phone, webcam and in person.

For more information visit http://www.nikkilundberg.com/sex-coach-products-and-services/private-sessions/

There are many sexually conservative cultures throughout the world.  I work with you to observe your comfort levels and provide the most informative pleasurable experience possible.

sex coaching for conservative couples Sex Coach Nikki Lundberg

sex coaching for conservative couples Sex Coach Nikki Lundberg

 

 

A great resource for people suffering from Vaginismus is http://vaginismus.org/

Happy New Year!

I am super excited for 2014 because every year has gotten gotten better and better for me and 2013 was fricken amazing.  The last week was no exception…

Couples Sex Coach Session For Christmas Part 1

I met with a couple who were visiting from out of town.  They had been looking online for a massage therapist and came across my site.  Seeing that in addition to offering massage I also offer sex coaching they set up an appointment with me.

They were very nervous.  Neither one of them had done anything like this before.  They were in their mid – 20s and were both virgins.  This was not by choice.  They had been in a committed relationship for several years but had several problems when it came time for penetrative sex.  This had caused their passion to wane and even though they had enjoyed oral sex in the past the fun had even left that because of their frustration.

When I arrived we discussed their situation and their histories.  They were both from a very conservative culture that didn’t allow for free sexual expression and experimentation.  They had never found someone to consult with.  They said they would be much more comfortable if I would be nude with them as they were very ashamed of all these issues and I offered it.  Seeing and being seen is the best way I’ve found to release shame.

I began with examining her.  She said she felt pain in her vagina.  I slowly examined from the outside starting with the abdomen and vulva asking all the time what her arousal level was.  When she reported that she was more than 50% aroused I began exploring her inner labia, clitoral hood and clitoris.  Still all pleasure – no pain.

While I was working with her the boyfriend asked if he was allowed to touch himself.  I said sure that it was normal and natural and this was an erotic situation.  He was surprised he wasn’t more physically aroused and I explained it was because even though this situation might be very close to the fantasies he held in his mind I was still keeping things fairly clinical.  I suggested he enjoy what was happening rather than judging it against what he thought should be happening.

Continuing my examination I began to slowly penetrate her vaginal opening (the entroitus).  Now the pain started.  Pinchy.  Burning.  Bad.  I got out some castor oil and applied it liberally to my finger and to her vulva.  Slowly – painfully slowly – I sunk my fingertip into her pussy.  The majority of the pain was strongest on the bottom.  I shifted the pressure to the top of the opening and that worked until I got to the second knuckle and then she felt pain there too.  I noticed that she would tense up periodically and I pointed out the signs to her boyfriend so he could tell when he need to slow down just by her non-verbal cues.

 

Feeling Alone In Your Relationship?

Stop Feeling Alone In Your Relationship
Happy Young Couple

I know what it’s like to be feeling alone in your relationship.  I experience that when I’m afraid.  Sometimes I feel like I can’t talk openly and freely with my partner.  I become afraid that if I share what is going on inside that I will lose my relationship.  As the pain and disconnection becomes worse I finally realize my truths again:

  • That I don’t want my relationship if that is how it is going to be and become open to change.
  • I often base my expectations of his reactions on reactions I’ve seen from other people in the past.  For example: my mother shared something with my father and he was explosively angry.  My partner is not explosive – ever – and I forget that.
  • I guess what his reaction will be when I really don’t know what it will be.  I really like the solution Cynthia has given in Step 3.
  • I underestimate the power of our love and commitment to each other.  Usually, once we’ve talked in a positive way, when we’ve both seen each others point of view, we are able to work things out win-win.

I read this and just had to share!  If you’re feeling alone in your relationship use this process please let me know how it worked for you.  I prescribe similar things but I love how Cynthia has laid it out.

Experiencing Intimacy: Overcoming The Aloneness In Your Relationship

By Cynthia Belmer

Our intimate relationship with our significant other is a mirror of how we feel about ourselves and in life in general. Many of us face challenges opening up to our partners and talking about things that scare us the most in the relationship. When we are in this situation, a feeling of disconnection arises, and the mind makes a list of judgments of why we should keep some strict boundaries with our loved one. Little do we know how much we are damaging our relationship and how we are giving so much more power to our fear of intimacy.

A fear of Intimacy, often brings us to a situation where we get taken over by our emotions such as anger, feeling resentful for not getting what we need, being scared of getting hurt over and over again and being attached that we are right. Many just give up working through these challenges and walk away from the relationship, some others continue on sabotaging and pushing their loved one away. What we miss to realize is that the only way out from feeling stuck in this emotional disconnection is to turn towards the pain instead of turning away. Knowing that it is okay to be vulnerable with our partner and choosing to let them understand our pain without being scared of losing ourselves.

This moment of awareness brings us to the state of experiencing freedom, fearlessness and becoming a brave warrior: When we look at the problem or fear and move towards and beyond it; when we sit with it until we become so familiar and comfortable with it; when we talk about it openly and let our partner understand how we feel, let him/her help us and be there for us. Being intimate with ourselves through our emotions and fears, we allow ourselves to experience being fully human and we provide space for our partner to be closer to our heart and part of our lives.

So, if you are someone who is facing challenges opening up to your partner, below are some steps that might help you initiating an open and loving conversation:

Step 1: Meditate on the problem you are facing

Think through your problem first. Sit with your feeling and try to understand it a little bit deeper (If you are having hard time understanding it, that’s okay, it’s very normal and eventually you’ll get there). Try to understand what comes up for you in terms of feelings, emotions and write them down without any judgment.

Step 2: Understand why it is important for you to tell your partner about your feelings

This step is very important because it identifies the problem and helps you understand your wants and your needs.

Step 3: Use your imagination positively

Take a moment and visualize how would it feel like to have told your partner about this problem. What beautiful feelings come up in your heart? Where do you feel it in your body? Write your visualization, your feelings and read them over and over again.

Step 4: Schedule an official meeting

Send a meeting invitation to your partner and mention that you need their full attention. I found this to work really well especially to get the partner’s attention and to get them to be fully present.

Step 5: Ask for your needs

Before you discuss the topic, tell your partner how important it is for you to feel supported and heard during the meeting. Check-in with them to see if this is something they feel they can do. The answer is 99% of the time is yes or I will try!

Step 6: Turn your focus towards your heart and discuss the problem

Talk about what is going on whether it was in your life or in your relationship. What is your heart feeling? What does he need? If this is something related to your relationship, focus only on how you feel and not on all the things that are going wrong or the mistakes that the person is making. Remember, the meeting is about YOU!

Step 7: Request your wants

“Ask” your partner to show care and affection when you are done talking and state
how you would like to them to help you in this journey. What do you really want from them? What do you need to feel better?

Being close to our partner is so warming, loving and peaceful that it’s hard sometimes to navigate through a problem that keeps us distant. Turning towards our pain and fear does not mean that it will be very easy for us to open up, but it’s a step closer to find a way in towards our relationship instead of a way out. This is the pathway towards inner freedom, unconditional love and being a human being fully and naturally. Otherwise, we will keep pushing intimacy away over and over again until we finally surrender.

 

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Couples Sex Coaching For Pleasure Session Part One

couples sex coaching

How do you (and your partner) know if you’re ready for couples sex coaching?  If you’ve had fantasies and curiosities for a long time and haven’t been able to move forward.  If you wan to add a little zing to your sex life – to spice things up.  If otherwise things are terrific but you would like a distraction from the everyday grind – an you want to be distracted together.

In preparation for a couples session I find out how long you’ve been together, what your current relationship is like, if you’ve discussed all the various foreseeable outcomes of our time together and a short sexual history for each of you.  We trouble shoot in advance the main issues that could crop up as a result of working with me and how to deal with them.  We do this via email.

Although it’s ideal to work with me for a series of sessions, many of my clients come in from out of town and can only see me once.  Over the next week or so I will be sharing the process I recently went through with a couple that worked with me recently.

Couples Sex Coaching Session

I get to the room and introduce myself and talk a bit about my week and my background to set the tone of friendliness and support.  Through discussion with her I determine her true level of comfort – up until that point I had only interacted with the husband through email.  I explain my boundaries and goals for the session.  I make sure she knows this session is about them and their pleasure, not mine.  I will be interactive only to their comfort level and at any time that could increase or decrease and that is okay.  We will have constant communication throughout the session to check in on how they are feeling and let that be our guide.

I explain to them that there are several reasons that bringing in a professional is a great choice:

  1. By having a session you are putting your experience into a container that has a beginning and an end.  Afterward, you can review what you liked and didn’t like and there’s not a lingering question of whether the experience was complete or not.
  2. You won’t be worried about any emotional romantic issues coming back to haunt your marriage.
  3. It’s a more relaxing situation than trying to pick somebody up in the bar and not knowing what you’re going to get – what their skill level is sexually or what their motives are.
  4. Whatever pleasure I give to one partner the other partner gets the credit for it.

We review their interests as a couple.  He loves massage and all touch so he will be getting a full body sensual rubdown.  Then they want to review different handjob and blowjob techniques.  For her turn she wants to be pleasured.  She’s never “been with a woman” before and this has been a very exciting idea for the two of them.

 Other Resources

Want to learn more about erotic massage?  Visit one of the following sites for detailed instructional videos.

http://NikkisLessons.com

http://EroticMassage.com


 

Between The Sheets – 50 Shades Of Grey & Spanking

I am super excited to be home:)  I was on the east coast for a week and I came home with a little cold.  I’m finally feeling good and getting back to work bringing you tips and tricks for more satisfaction in the bedroom!

One of the ways you can access me and my expertise for free is by listening to my weekly radio show, “Between The Sheets” which I co-host with my husband Drew.  We talk about a variety of topics all around sex and sexuality.

Now that I am back to work one of my projects is catching up on show descriptions. Here is a recent one.  Click one of the red buttons to listen to the recording:)

7/28/2012
This show got of to an exciting start since we were having an in studio party.  We talk about

  • The book “50 Shades Of Grey” and how it can benefit your sex life.
  • How kids can be a distraction from your intimacy.
  • Touch starvation and how getting massage can win brownie points for your spouse.
  • How doing things like changing your hair color or applying a temporary tattoo can spice things up.
  • The importance of feedback and communication in love making.
  • The benefits of sexological bodywork.
  • Detailed instructions on sensual spanking.

The next live show will be tomorrow (Saturday) at 8pm PST.
To listen live go to LVRocks.com

This week we’ll be talking a little bit more about the book “50 Shades Of Grey” and the highlights of my recent trip to New York City.  One of them is my first time at an Asian Massage Parlor!

Reply back if you have any questions or comments that you would like to me go over on my show.

Stay Sexy,
Nikki

Nikki

Great Anal Massage In 10 Steps

Before you begin read through all the directions.

Items you will need:

• Oil- olive, hemp or grapeseedare good choices

• Towels

Optional items:

• Enema – like this one necessary if either the giver or receiver is concerned about a mess

Finger Cots– helpful for an added cleanliness measure and eliminates any concern about rough fingers and sharp nails

• Anal toys- good for prolonged sessions and more intense pressure.  Click here for a ton of ideas.

• Pillows – to prop up the pelvis or a wedge pillow like this one

10 Steps (for graphic how-to videos please visit NikkisLessons.com)

1. Have the receiver lay face down. Start with massaging the lower back, glutes, backs of the thighs and the place where the thighs meet the groin.

2. Once those areas are warmed up and relaxed begin to massage the area in between the butt cheeks. Use lots of oil. Gently explore and massage the tail bone all the way down to the tip of it. Explore the area below the anus. See if you can find the sit bones and massage all around them.

3. With your non-dominant hand, reach forward under the receiver to massage the genitals. Continue to use lots of oil for this as well. For improved accessibility have the receiver lift their butt into the air or place a couple of pillows under their pelvis.

a. For women, follow the tips for vaginal massage.
b. For men, if their penis is flexible enough, you can pull it down so it is pointing in the same direction as the legs and feet. Then you can massage and stimulate the penis and testicles without reaching. It is easier to get the erection going and keep it up during the rest of anal play because sometimes when there is increase pressure on the prostate it is harder for the penis to become erect.

4. Finally, begin to massage the pucker of the anus. You will be able to tell if the muscle is clenched or not. If it is clenched and firm do not proceed any deeper until you feel it relaxing. If you are concerned about cleanliness or accidentally hurting the receiver with your finger nails wear a finger cot.

a. Discomfort is normal as the receiver becomes accustomed to the pressure but there should never be any sharp pains. If there are immediately freeze and/or withdraw your finger. Sharp pains are a warning that damage is being done.
b.  If the receiver is very nervous or has never gotten beyond this point experiment with Anal Relaxing Spray and Anal Relaxing Lube.  These products contain organic and/or herbal ingredients that will relax the nerves in the area but not numb it.  Avoid numbing products because the receiver won’t know if they’re being hurt or if it feels good.

5. As you run your finger tip with firm pressure down from the tail bone toward the anus with you palm facing down you will feel a point where you finger will be able to naturally slide in. At this point your finger will be pointing toward the belly button or the heart of the receiver. Gently press in a little bit. Then pull out and get more lube on your finger tip from the surrounding area. Push it into the anus a little further. Continue this process gradually lubricating the anal passage more and deeper with every stroke.

6. Once your finger is reaching in as deep as the second knuckle your finger tip will now be poking into the exit of the large intestine. Curl your finger down and explore the front of the area.

a. For women, this will begin to stimulate their vaginal wall. The deeper stimulation may even reach her vaginal g-spot. While anal stimulation alone can be very exciting for women, most often it will greatly intensify vaginal stimulation.
b. For men, keep reaching deeper and exploring the front of the area. Although this is deeper on some men than others, you will usually find the prostate once your whole finger is in. It will feel like a strawberry or walnut. Apply firm pressure and ask the receiver if he can feel it and if it feels good. Experiment with circular strokes all around it and strokes running up and down. He may like one more than the other of both just the same.

7. When the anus is relaxed and opened up you can gradually increase the in and out motion of your finger until you are finger fucking the anus. If the receiver is enjoying this, slowly work a second finger in following the same steps as the first. The number of fingers you can get in depends on the receiver, how open they are mentally and how often you practice.

8. At this point you can stay with it as long as the receiver likes. You may want the receiver to change positions and lay on their back so you can engage them with eye contact and give them a greater variety of genital stimulation.

9. If they want more you can either keep adding fingers (some people even graduate up to a whole hand which is called fisting – the fist is actually not formed until the entire hand is in past the anus up to the wrist) or move on to toys. For more on anal toys check out that section.

10. When you are complete with anal play wash up with lots of warm water and soap.

 

Couples Sex Exploration And Experience

Or as I like to say “Sexploration & Sexperience”

Today was very successful for my couple.  They were only in town for 2 days so we did a 5 hour intensive.

The outcome was

  • Lots of communication gaps were filled in and we discussed different personality/communication styles.  I recommended the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman to her.  Since he is an entrepreneur and is more familiar with personality types I recommended he review the DISC personality types – Him being a high DI and her being a full S and take the responsibility of applying what he knows about that kind of thing to this relationship.  Here are some books about the DISC behavioral model you can check out.
  • She was able to overcome (or begin to overcome) her negative beliefs.  We talked about how she gets to choose what to believe and how if something is making her feel bad she can choose to change it and feel better about it.  We talked about how to do that.  I walked through that process myself with my mentor Shelby Collinge.  Yes, fear and shame can be paralyzing.  Walking through it and finding the freedom and truth inside is a-freakin-mazing!
  • He learned the basics of massage and sensual massage.  You can see my videos about that here.  More will be coming soon.
  • We found her g-spot.  Yes, after 20+ years of marriage they were both unsure of the exact location.  I think her orgasms will be going to the next level now!
  • We covered some basic bondage techniques.  I showed him a chest harness and told him to look up twistedmonk.com to learn more about erotic rope bondage and to get a starter kit.  Then we played with clothes pins and clamps;)
  • He improved his spanking technique – there is a way to do it that stimulates the entire groin!
  • They learned how to make anal sex enjoyable.  I taught them the techniques I use in this video.
  • My male partner came about half way through the session and we were did some demonstration and he shared his experience about his sexual growth.
  • We developed a plan to keep the communication and kink going once they get home:)

I am so grateful and honored to have had this experience with them.  I let them know they could email me if they had any follow up questions and if they liked my style of working with them and they wanted ongoing mentoring I would love to work with them via phone and email for a reasonable fee.

If you are interested in a 5 hour intensive please contact me.

Nikki
email: Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com
phone: 888.217.6712

7 Things You Must Know About Anal And Sex Toy Cleanliness

There are some very specific things you can do to be clean and safe with anal play and using sex toys.

First, the anus:

  1. Always use lots of soap and warm water especially in the anal area.
  2. Using soap and your finger clean just inside the anus around the rim.
  3. Disinfectant wipes are a quick way to clean in a hurry.
  4. Perform an enema to take your cleanliness to the next level.
  5. Use a barrier (a glove for finger play, a dental dam, condom cut open or glove cut open for oral play a.k.a. analingus) to prevent bacteria transfer.

Second, sex toys:

  1. For sex toys use a toy cleaner for best results. You can also use rubbing alcohol.
  2. For fastest clean up and to ensure you are not coming in contact with any old germs, use a condom over your toy.

Having sex – and anal sex in particular – can get very messy. That is part of the fun for most people! The naughty factor and the possibility of making a mess can create excitement. Some people do even like to play with excrement – it is called scat play or brown showers. For me that is a hard boundary (something I won’t do no matter what) since nothing about poo is sexy to me. What is sexy is the intense sensations I can give and receive by stimulating the anus just right.

I’ve addressed cleanliness in this article because that is often the first concern a person has who is considering exploring anal pleasure. We think of the scene from Zack and Miri Make a Porno where the porn actress is getting penetrated anally and loses control of her bowels. That is hype and was made up to be funny. While anal penetration can be messy I’ve never experienced or heard of anything near that happen in real life.

Whenever you are stimulating the anal area in addition to cleanliness always keep in mind how sensitive it is. Be very gentle until more is requested. Once the anus muscled have relaxed, more vigorous stimulation can be applied as long as there is sufficient lubricant. If you enjoy anal play and want to continuously increase the level of pleasure you can take consider using a butt plug. By using a butt plug for short periods on a regular basis you will be more able to enjoy anal play.

Many men ask me if their interest in anal play means they’re homosexual or bisexual. The answer is NO! There are several reasons anal play is pleasurable.

  • Pressure in that area is naturally pleasurable… it’s important that we enjoy having bowel movements, right?
  • The prostate can receive direct stimulation which can be much more intense.
  • Some men like to be submissive and just receive the pleasure/abuse. In a long term relationship this can be a positive part of role play or power exchange.

Whether you are male or female, follow these suggestions and your anal experience will be a pleasurable one.

Click Here to do some online shopping for toy cleaner, lube and toys;)

13 Facts and Tips for Women Learning to Have an Orgasm

I recently read a terrific article written by Christine Webber, a psychotherapist in the UK.  The article is  terrific and deserves to be read in its entirety.

For those pressed for time here is a short synopsis followed my opinion and experience.

  1. If you can’t climax on demand you are normal.  Lighten up on yourself and ignore pop culture.
  2. Attitudes and medical open mindedness have come a long way and we now know that all women can climax if the circumstances are right.
  3. The age of 18 is a common time for women to experience their first orgasm.
  4. Masturbation is a good way to learn how to climax.
  5. Make sure you are communicating effectively with your partner.
  6. Vibrators and sex aids can help a woman climax faster.
  7. By the time the average woman is 30+ years old she can easily reach climax.
  8. There are different types of orgasms – clitoral, vaginal and g-spot.  Most important is that you enjoy your orgasm.
  9. It’s unusual to achieve simultaneous orgasm with your partner unless you are employing manual stimulation and your partner has some orgasm control on his end.
  10. The ability to have multiple orgasms increases with age.
  11. Women can still achieve orgasm after menopause.
  12. Men can help by being relaxed, sensual, oral and communicative.
  13. Practice, practice, practice!

My Opinion and Experience

By knowing how to make myself reach orgasm sex is much more pleasurable and satisfying; however, my body does not always co-operate and learning to enjoy the journey is just as important as reaching the destination.  Often working to reach orgasm is high pressure, even if it is just me pressuring myself to do it.  I have had clients who have a hard time reaching orgasm during sex and if they use a vibrator while masturbating they may be less sensitive to other stimulation.  They either need to decrease their reliance on the vibrator or learn how to incorporate it into their sex sessions.

For sexual gratification, self knowledge is most important followed by your partner’s knowledge.  That’s why communication is so important and is the component I stress the most with clients.  It’s great to have 2 goals.  One is to find out how to make her climax effectively and the other is to improve his stamina and orgasm control.  These goals work together and progress on one supports progress on the other.  The best thing to do is practice, practice, practice and enjoy journey.

69 Types of Touch

1. Soft
2. Hard
3. Rubbing
4. Tickling
5. Pinching
6. Pulling
7. Pushing
8. Scraping
9. Scratching
10. Flicking
11. Licking
12. Kneading
13. Twisting
14. Slapping
15. Groping
16. Fisting
17. Punching
18. Biting
19. Kissing
20. Sucking
21. Dry humping
22. Grinding
23. Loving
24. Wet
25. Hot
26. Cold
27. Rough
28. Up and down
29. Petting
30. Smoothing
31. Poking
32. Fast
33. Slow
34. Extended
35. Teasing
36. Whipping
37. Flogging
38. Restraining
39. Massaging
40. Wrapping
41. Pounding
42. Tapping
43. Spreading
44. Penetrating
45. Gripping
46. Punching
47. Stepping
48. Kicking
49. Cupping
50. Spooning
51. Caressing
52. Smacking
53. Vibrating
54. Blowing
55. Chewing
56. Nibbling
57. Squeezing
58. Yanking
59. Shoving
60. Holding
61. Pressing
62. Grabbing
63. Lashing
64. Bufferfly Kissing
65. Shaking
66. Jiggling
67. Circling
68. Smothering
69. Releasing