Are you stressed out because you or your partner don’t have enough time for true intimacy and connection? As a sex coach I hear about it all the time from people who attend my classes – their sex is great, when they get to have it. They make the time to do something special together here and there (like go to my class) but they never make the time to practice what they learned in the class. I’ve found that time management tools can work just as well for having an abundant sex life as they do for being productive in business.
Cultivate your mindset so you can have more sexy time.
The first thing to change is your mindset. There is a prayer I often say when I’m trying something new, “Please help me set aside everything I know and everything I think I know so that I may have an open mind for a new experience.” The more you repeat ‘I don’t have time’ the more you won’t have time. Let that thought go and think instead ‘how can I find time?’. Then your brain will go to work finding time do have erotic practices and sex.
Get tools to help you make time for your inner sexy beast.
Next, you need tools. The thinking that got you into this situation will not get you out of it. Below is a sign up box to get a chapter of my book for free that has lots of ideas about how to make more time in your life – not only for sex but for your entire quality of life. Just think – with better time management habits you could become more focused and productive, finally have a way to do things you’ve been putting off, and even be more available for friends and family when they need you.
Be easy on your sexy self.
Making changes is never easy, even when they are good ones. Know that by reading articles like this and checking new things out means you are on the right path and chances are you are doing more than most. Keep that momentum going and sign up for the free chapter. You will get some other tools and goodies as well to guide you on your path of erotic exploration. If after reading it and using the other tools I send you things are still tough then definitely consider going to couples counseling , a sex therapist or using a sex coach to support you.
Are you wondering how your belief system could actually hurt you during anal sex?
I’m Sex Coach Nikki http://NikkiLundberg.com. I find the number one reason people are experiencing pain during anal sex or even thinking anal sex is because of their belief system around it.
This is one of the areas I really work through with my clients – looking at what their belief systems are around anal pleasure and anal sex.
We all have beliefs and programming around what it means to enjoy anal pleasure and even about the anal area in general.
Most of these beliefs were learned from our family, religion and culture.
One way out family can influence us is as a baby during potty-training often the parents and family will use phrases like “ooh yuckey bottom”, and “clean your butt” and we’re repeatedly shamed over and over as a little baby.
One of the ways our culture influences us is by first off being anti-homosexual but secondly by correlating anal pleasure for me with homosexuality.
The way religion can influence your beliefs around sex is by teaching that sex is only for procreation.
You don’t want to have anal sex because that’s not going to cause procreation and it’s definitely for pleasure only.
These types of beliefs lead to viewing anal pleasure as dirty, perverted, naughty and nasty.
Often people can get an erotic thrill out of being a “bad boy” or “bad girl” and that’s great!
But for those who don’t and feel shame and guilt about the way they enjoy their bodies these beliefs need to be examined.
Also, people who want to be “good” are potentially missing out on a lot of pleasure.
In fact I just had this session with a gentleman and his body responded so beautifully to the prostate massage and I was able to milk him and everything but afterward he’s like “I’m not sure if I liked” it even though his body loved it!
It was mental about his beliefs!
What I recommend and what I do is my clients is to walk through and actually look at what your beliefs are.
One way to do this is to keep asking “so what does that mean” and find out what meanings anal sex and anal pleasure have for you.
Once you start figuring out what it means to you internally then you can ask “is this belief supporting me?”.
One of the biggest things I hear from couples is that one partner wants to try something and the other one does not want to.
This is where we would ask “are these beliefs still supporting you? Are they you helping you actually move forward in your life and in your relationship?”
When one partner wants to explore and experience things and they just they’re running up against brick wall that can cause a lot of damage to the relationship.
Just because one partner is not into something doesn’t mean that the other partner should go without (in my opinion).
If you do examine your beliefs and anal sex is still is a no-go then you two can start looking at other options as far as experiences go.
I would love to hear if you do any kind of work to uncover your beliefs and if you’re surprised at what they are.
As far as my personal journey, when I started playing around with anal stimulation I had a lot of concern about how it looked how it smelled and I was I was very concerned.
I found out very quickly though that there are plenty of ways to be clean.
When my concerns are about how it looks I have to remember – it’s how it looks as what it is. A butthole looks like a butthole. And if your partner likes buttholes, then they are going to like how it looks.
Are your muscles causing you pain during anal sex?
Hi I’m Sex Coach Nikki and I have been doing sensual and erotic massage for nine years. I can tell you that tight pelvic floor muscles are the number one cause of pain during any kind of anal sex or stimulation.
One way to test your anal and pelvic floor muscles
Sit down on something firm and see if you can squeeze your anus. Squeeze your anal sphincter muscles and see if you can feel your butt moving and does it hurt? Does it feel uncomfortable? Then the next thing to do is push from the inside out and push down toward the surface you’re sitting on and you should feel movement. If you do not feel movement then that means that your muscles are kind of locked. It means your tight ass (laughing).
It’s easy to fix this. You just need to do some self massage or go see a masseuse. Not a regular massage therapist – they cannot work in this area it is not legal but there are some physical therapists who will work in the anal area. Definitely do what’s right for you as far as what feels good for you.
A better way to test your anal muscles and self massage techniques
Go in the shower with nice warm water and lather up your hands and then (usually using the hand you wipe with because that’s how your back bends easiest. If you’re right-handed use your right hand) start massaging in your anal area.
You’re going to massage your undercarriage and feel for the muscles up and down your butt crack, around your anus and then also all the way around the sphincters. Notice how tight or relaxed they can are.
Imagine the face of a clock on your anus with 12 o’clock being straight towards the tailbone. Using your fingertip put some pressure against your butthole at each spot on the clock. Stay at each spot for one breath and make mental note how the muscle feels.
Once you go around the outside, penetrate with your fingertip as far as is comfortable. Push with firm pressure at each spot on “the clock” pausing for a breath and again noting how the muscle feels.
This is going to be a really great self massage to start relaxing your anal muscles and it’s something you can easily do every day in the shower.
As you get more accustomed to this massage you’ll gain control over your anal muscles and you’ll start learning how to relax them.
You’ll be able to penetrate more deeply eventually penetrating up to your first and then your second knuckle. At each depth you do the same thing – pause for a breath and massage all the points on the clock.
Having a hard time reaching your anus?
Your ability to do this in the shower depends also on how flexible you are. I’m a little bit of a thicker girl so I can’t reach a whole lot standing up. If that’s how you are then you want to move on to the bed to lay down and twist. Make sure to incorporate a lot of lube. In the shower you’re using the soap and that lubricates the area for you but when you’re on your bed you want to use lube.
As long as you’re not about to have sex with a condom you can use almost anything for lube. You can go in the kitchen and get some olive oil or coconut oil. Any kind of oil is fine as long as you’re not about to use a condom.
I hope I gave you some good ideas on getting your muscles relaxed in your anal area and that is probably going to help you have a lot more pleasure during anal sex!
Romance is the most tender part of many people’s lives and often the most difficult to talk about. This is where we can feel most vulnerable – not only personally but also as a unit with our loves (both family and romantic). We feel like we have so much judgement on ourselves and others – usually negative judgement – it’s easiest to ignore any issues or problems. People also share about this area the least because we don’t want it to negatively affect people we are with.
I have valuable and powerful experiences with relationships and polyamory that I can share. I often draw on my own life experiences when I’m coaching rather than theory. I also work well with people who are seeing therapists for couples counseling. Working in a triad (you, me and your therapist) is a powerful approach for better communication in your relationship.
Here is a personal example: I’m talking with my boyfriend about the possibility of dating other men and how that would look. I recognize my programming around relationships all supports monogamy. Monogamy is like the default and the way of least resistance – easy to fall into and not think. However, it’s not honest for me to try to make a monogamous relationship work – to make it conform to meet my needs. It’s important to have integrity with myself and live in a way that supports me and those around me as much as possible. Just because I identify as polyamorous doesn’t mean that in practice I am honoring that part of myself.
When I work with people I help them identify their beliefs and programing and to consider if those beliefs are serving them. I guide them to look at behaviors and reactions that come from running on auto-pilot and look for ways to be more awake, aware and conscious. This is how I support people to make decisions from a place of love vs. a place of unconsciousness.
Send me an email if you would like to talk about working through some of your beliefs and programming so you can make decisions that keep you in integrity with yourself.
Connection and wanting to feel connected are high on everyone’s list. These are also potential benefits of mindful masturbation!
How does this happen?
When you create a mindful masturbation practice (with or without masturbation coaching) you begin to sensitize yourself to more subtle physical stimulation. Part of sensitizing yourself is improving your attention (both the quality of your attention as well as the quantity or span). This sensitivity to subtle sensations and improved attention shows up in all areas of your life. You will be more likely to pick up on subtle cues and clues from those around you to know what they are trying to communicate and how they are feeling.
If you are interested in working with a sex coach online or a sex coach in Las Vegas you should set up an exploratory session with Sex Coach Nikki. Exploratory sessions are free. Email her at Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com or text her at 702.674.6606 to schedule a time for an initial chat.
Although Nikki is not a licensed sex therapist working with her is very therapeutic and could have many benefits for your sex life and your sexual health. She coaches in person, over the phone and on skype. Masturbation coaching is her favorite tool! Masturbation done mindfully and with purpose can help improve libido, give you control over premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation, lead to becoming multi-orgasmic, ease pain during sex (for both genders) as well as make your solo sex life more satisfying and give you the capacity to feel more connected to the people around you.
Guys – Are you having a hard time getting it up or keeping it up in a group sex situation? If so this is totally normal and something you can work through.
As a sex coach and swinger I know that for many people the thought or desire to be in a group sex situation can be very erotic. The challenge is that we usually don’t have many situations like this in our real life so we can be surprised how challenging it is to actually take advantage of these situations when they arise. I have many people come to my classes extremely excited about the group practice time only to be frustrated because it doesn’t work out they way they thought.
It is possible to work through this. Most things we do are habitual and if you have a habit of having sex in one or two ways it may be difficult to enjoy sex in other ways or circumstances. In order to work through this you need to practice getting to know your body better and following erotic energy more than using a set pattern that you know will work to bring you to climax. That set pattern will not work under all circumstances whereas following the erotic energy will.
Because erotic energy is subtle and body based many of us need to practice sensing it in order to have access to it. This is where I come in as a sex coach.
I work with you to become more mindful in your solo sex or partner sex activities.
I will witness you in solo or partner sex if that seems to be beneficial to reaching your sexological goals.
I’m able to accompany you to swinger clubs to coach you in real time to feel the flow of erotic energy in a group setting.
To be clear – I do not masturbate or have sex with you. I do not touch you in any of these circumstances. I guide you verbally in ways that will help you to key in to the flow of erotic energy. Through exercises and homework practices I teach you to become more and more sensitive to the subtle sensations that feel so so good.
Email or text me to set up a time to talk about working with me so you can enjoy group sex situations to their fullest!
P.S. I work with people from around the world as an online sex coach. With the telephone and skype there are few limitations. For people in Las Vegas I’m happy to provide in person sex coaching. Also a disclaimer – although working with me can be very therapeutic I am not a sex therapist or marriage counselor. If there are issues beyond my area of expertise I will require that you seek treatment from the appropriate professionals in order to get the most out of our work together.
To bridge the gap between the masculine “how” and the feminine “what”. I’ve suggested this tool to several clients over the last couple weeks with great success.
Many of us are verbally abusive or violent with our partners and we don’t even realize it. We dominate, manipulate, and give guilt trips in order to communicate how we feel. We can use passive aggressiveness, aggressive aggressiveness, sarcasm, stonewalling and more to try to convey when we are upset.
Usually, this causes the other person to become defensive, and we all know the best defense is a good offense. So they strike back at us, verbally, and the situation escalates. If this was happening with physical violence we would never tolerate it. Since it’s verbal though many of us turn a blind eye.
I don’t agree with everything taught in Non Violent Communication but I think a lot of it is useful. Often times people have a really hard time getting vulnerable and sharing what is really going on. It may have been so long that there is barely any trust left with their partner. This is a feminine and messy and can be really hard to reach. The structure in the Non Violent Communication gives a masculine container to use to express our emotions and wild feminine vulnerability.
If you are having a difficult time expressing feelings and being vulnerable definitely check this site out for some resources.
My #1 tip is to use your own body as a guide for giving pleasure. In order to do this you must get centered and sensitive to your own sensations. You need to focus on the experience, not the performance.
Do you have any questions giving head? Ask in the comments below or send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Have you ever wondered about how to do a really deep clean inside for anal play? Well, in this video I am going to talk about one way to do a deeper Enema or a higher Enema. I am sex coach Nikki and we are here in the bathroom and I’m going to show you one way, I know there is probably other ways and this is the thing, there is a lot of controversy around high Enemas, whether they are really necessary, whether they are good for you or bad for you and what I have to say is that I like to do it when I’m going to be with one of my partners because they are very specific. They have a very sensitive nose, they don’t want any waste or mess because it totally turns them off and puts them out of the mood.
So, I have to do more than the basic little fleet Enema, I have to do the entire – anything that can be coming out in the next few couple of hours basically cleaning up higher in to my gut. So, this is how I figured out how to do it, I’m sure other people have other ways maybe even better ways. But basically what I do is – we have this, the shower head so, you know, if you have this type of shower at home it’s worthy investment if you’re doing for this purpose. And you unscrew this part, okay I’m trying to be down in here, and then there is a little washer, so you want to be careful not to lose the washer which is right there, okay. So, then the first part is you are going to make sure that the water is lukewarm so you don’t wanted to be cold because you don’t want your muscles to have contractions and seize up. But you don’t want to get too hot because you can burn easily you are dealing with very sensitive tissue.
And you put the pressure on to just a steady pressure not a hard pressure and you can put it up to your anus and you can kind of control the flow even with your anus. So, you don’t want to put too hard but also hard enough to go in and then once you are full to the point where you feel like you need to evacuate then you can evacuate. Now, this can be done in couple of ways, personally I prefer to get out and use a toilet because I – that’s my preference but I know other people who don’t care and they will just go straight in the tub and wash it down the drain. It won’t hurt the plumbing as long as the opening can handle, you know, some volume. And you just keep doing that until what comes out is clear.
So, what happens is it pass the anus is the rectum. So, the rectum is what holds the fecal matter right before it comes out of the anus. Then there is another – there is a twist in your, like right in here there is a twist, well if you can see that and it goes to the left and there is a – that’s where fecal matter get stored in your large intestine. So, your large intestine go starts here, goes to the left, goes around up and across and down, okay so that’s all large intestine right there.
So, as you are playing – when you do the fleet Enema like I said in my other video you put it in and let it out like maybe three times or so. Once that’s clear that’s good to go. But if you’re doing extended play or you have a sensitive partner like I do then you will need to put more water so that whatever is like in this area here, the large intestine can also be stimulated to come down and be passed out and cleansed out. So, once that starts coming out clear then I do a couple of things first of all and wait because of course water when it’s up here might take time to work its way backed down and also I play with myself. So, this is also a very pleasurable process if you like anal stimulation and I play with myself and I make sure like there is nothing that’s going to be wanting to come out once it gets like I start moving my body and enjoying that. So, I’ll be videotaping that also for my Nikki’s Lessons website but I’ll just be putting on, you know, the PG stuff here on YouTube.
Alright, yeah that’s it and then once you are thinking you are done you want to check with a toy and play with it and see and if you feel like you’re having problems another thing to do is once you, one of the times when you’re full of water is to squat down when you bear down. And that can press even more out and then another thing that I found helpful is actually soaping up my finger and putting my finger inside and cleaning it up inside in the pelvic floor with my finger and I can actually feel the muscles working and I can see like, like some backed up water that gets like toward the tailbone side will come out when I do that.
So, I know what kind of goes [Soundbite of laughing] – so it’s only preparation for an intense amazing anal sex. So, if I think of anything else that I could share here in YouTube than I will definitely continue this video, otherwise make it a sexy day.
It’s Anal August once again and I have some fun stuff to share.
I have an excellent full color pdf on the Art of Anal Pleasure that you can sign up for at right here ===>
You will also get a series of emails directly to your inbox with tips about anal pleasure. Please email me any questions you have so I can include that answer in my email tips.
At NikkisLessons.com I’ll be working on updating the Anal section – making it easier to use and adding new content. Please let me know if you are in Las Vegas and would like to volunteer to be in a video. Ideally I’d like to show more work with couples and also more diversity in my videos.
Live In Las Vegas
Learn To Give A Safe And Sensual Erotic Massage at The Art Of Anal Pleasure Interactive Demo & Lecture
Friday, August 19, 2016
Will be held at a Private Residence Near South Eastern and the 215, Las Vegas, NV
If you are always looking for ways to be a better lover then this class is for you. Sex Coach Nikki will be teaching an interactive class as well as performing a complete live demonstration. This will be followed by optional guided practice.
The number one concern for most people interested in anal pleasure is how to keep it healthy and safe. Included with this class is a series of emails and videos where I will teach you step by step how to keep things clean, and how to prepare for giving or receiving anal stimulation. I will also be available to talk about any questions or concerns that come up.
Anal pleasure done right is definitely an art. I look forward to performing for you and teaching you the beauty that is possible.
Have questions answered regarding:
•How to locate the prostate
•How to massage the anal sphincters for relaxation and pleasure
•How to use a strap on
•How to make sure to keep everything healthy and safe
•Much, much more…
You will leave knowing
•how to talk about anal stimulation with your partner
•how to stay healthy and safe
•how to create a safe space for any emotions that come up to be expressed
•how to deeply relax the body so it can open up and receive
•the anatomy of the anal area
•effective communication strategies for intimacy
•specific ways to tease and please the anus in particular and the entire human body in general
7:00 – Doors open 7:15 – Class begins. Doors are locked. No late arrivals allowed. 8:30 – Break 8:45 – Optional Guided Practice Begins 9:45 – Close Class
A note about the optional guided practice – I am implementing a policy that a telephone conversation is to be had if at all possible with every class attendee to discuss the upcoming class so I can tailor the experience to the people who will be present. If I cannot speak with you in advance I will not be able to include you in the guided practice portion of the event.
Some things to know:
•The practice session will be clothing optional.
•This is not an orgy or party atmosphere.
•This is a safe space that will allow participants to become completely aware of their body and their erotic energy.
•You must participate in the practice to stay in the room.
—Included in your registration for this class is the Group Sex Class And Optional Play Time that directly follows. Click here to see more.
Early Bird Registration Until 8/16/2016
$20 for singles
$30 for couples and poly pods
$35 for singles
$45 for couples and poly pods
This will be an alcohol free event.
No money will be accepted at the door. Click here to register.