Are you stressed out because you or your partner don’t have enough time for true intimacy and connection? As a sex coach I hear about it all the time from people who attend my classes – their sex is great, when they get to have it. They make the time to do something special together here and there (like go to my class) but they never make the time to practice what they learned in the class. I’ve found that time management tools can work just as well for having an abundant sex life as they do for being productive in business.
Cultivate your mindset so you can have more sexy time.
The first thing to change is your mindset. There is a prayer I often say when I’m trying something new, “Please help me set aside everything I know and everything I think I know so that I may have an open mind for a new experience.” The more you repeat ‘I don’t have time’ the more you won’t have time. Let that thought go and think instead ‘how can I find time?’. Then your brain will go to work finding time do have erotic practices and sex.
Get tools to help you make time for your inner sexy beast.
Next, you need tools. The thinking that got you into this situation will not get you out of it. Below is a sign up box to get a chapter of my book for free that has lots of ideas about how to make more time in your life – not only for sex but for your entire quality of life. Just think – with better time management habits you could become more focused and productive, finally have a way to do things you’ve been putting off, and even be more available for friends and family when they need you.
Be easy on your sexy self.
Making changes is never easy, even when they are good ones. Know that by reading articles like this and checking new things out means you are on the right path and chances are you are doing more than most. Keep that momentum going and sign up for the free chapter. You will get some other tools and goodies as well to guide you on your path of erotic exploration. If after reading it and using the other tools I send you things are still tough then definitely consider going to couples counseling , a sex therapist or using a sex coach to support you.
Are you wondering how your belief system could actually hurt you during anal sex?
I’m Sex Coach Nikki http://NikkiLundberg.com. I find the number one reason people are experiencing pain during anal sex or even thinking anal sex is because of their belief system around it.
This is one of the areas I really work through with my clients – looking at what their belief systems are around anal pleasure and anal sex.
We all have beliefs and programming around what it means to enjoy anal pleasure and even about the anal area in general.
Most of these beliefs were learned from our family, religion and culture.
One way out family can influence us is as a baby during potty-training often the parents and family will use phrases like “ooh yuckey bottom”, and “clean your butt” and we’re repeatedly shamed over and over as a little baby.
One of the ways our culture influences us is by first off being anti-homosexual but secondly by correlating anal pleasure for me with homosexuality.
The way religion can influence your beliefs around sex is by teaching that sex is only for procreation.
You don’t want to have anal sex because that’s not going to cause procreation and it’s definitely for pleasure only.
These types of beliefs lead to viewing anal pleasure as dirty, perverted, naughty and nasty.
Often people can get an erotic thrill out of being a “bad boy” or “bad girl” and that’s great!
But for those who don’t and feel shame and guilt about the way they enjoy their bodies these beliefs need to be examined.
Also, people who want to be “good” are potentially missing out on a lot of pleasure.
In fact I just had this session with a gentleman and his body responded so beautifully to the prostate massage and I was able to milk him and everything but afterward he’s like “I’m not sure if I liked” it even though his body loved it!
It was mental about his beliefs!
What I recommend and what I do is my clients is to walk through and actually look at what your beliefs are.
One way to do this is to keep asking “so what does that mean” and find out what meanings anal sex and anal pleasure have for you.
Once you start figuring out what it means to you internally then you can ask “is this belief supporting me?”.
One of the biggest things I hear from couples is that one partner wants to try something and the other one does not want to.
This is where we would ask “are these beliefs still supporting you? Are they you helping you actually move forward in your life and in your relationship?”
When one partner wants to explore and experience things and they just they’re running up against brick wall that can cause a lot of damage to the relationship.
Just because one partner is not into something doesn’t mean that the other partner should go without (in my opinion).
If you do examine your beliefs and anal sex is still is a no-go then you two can start looking at other options as far as experiences go.
I would love to hear if you do any kind of work to uncover your beliefs and if you’re surprised at what they are.
As far as my personal journey, when I started playing around with anal stimulation I had a lot of concern about how it looked how it smelled and I was I was very concerned.
I found out very quickly though that there are plenty of ways to be clean.
When my concerns are about how it looks I have to remember – it’s how it looks as what it is. A butthole looks like a butthole. And if your partner likes buttholes, then they are going to like how it looks.
Romance is the most tender part of many people’s lives and often the most difficult to talk about. This is where we can feel most vulnerable – not only personally but also as a unit with our loves (both family and romantic). We feel like we have so much judgement on ourselves and others – usually negative judgement – it’s easiest to ignore any issues or problems. People also share about this area the least because we don’t want it to negatively affect people we are with.
I have valuable and powerful experiences with relationships and polyamory that I can share. I often draw on my own life experiences when I’m coaching rather than theory. I also work well with people who are seeing therapists for couples counseling. Working in a triad (you, me and your therapist) is a powerful approach for better communication in your relationship.
Here is a personal example: I’m talking with my boyfriend about the possibility of dating other men and how that would look. I recognize my programming around relationships all supports monogamy. Monogamy is like the default and the way of least resistance – easy to fall into and not think. However, it’s not honest for me to try to make a monogamous relationship work – to make it conform to meet my needs. It’s important to have integrity with myself and live in a way that supports me and those around me as much as possible. Just because I identify as polyamorous doesn’t mean that in practice I am honoring that part of myself.
When I work with people I help them identify their beliefs and programing and to consider if those beliefs are serving them. I guide them to look at behaviors and reactions that come from running on auto-pilot and look for ways to be more awake, aware and conscious. This is how I support people to make decisions from a place of love vs. a place of unconsciousness.
Send me an email if you would like to talk about working through some of your beliefs and programming so you can make decisions that keep you in integrity with yourself.
Connection and wanting to feel connected are high on everyone’s list. These are also potential benefits of mindful masturbation!
How does this happen?
When you create a mindful masturbation practice (with or without masturbation coaching) you begin to sensitize yourself to more subtle physical stimulation. Part of sensitizing yourself is improving your attention (both the quality of your attention as well as the quantity or span). This sensitivity to subtle sensations and improved attention shows up in all areas of your life. You will be more likely to pick up on subtle cues and clues from those around you to know what they are trying to communicate and how they are feeling.
If you are interested in working with a sex coach online or a sex coach in Las Vegas you should set up an exploratory session with Sex Coach Nikki. Exploratory sessions are free. Email her at Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com or text her at 702.674.6606 to schedule a time for an initial chat.
Although Nikki is not a licensed sex therapist working with her is very therapeutic and could have many benefits for your sex life and your sexual health. She coaches in person, over the phone and on skype. Masturbation coaching is her favorite tool! Masturbation done mindfully and with purpose can help improve libido, give you control over premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation, lead to becoming multi-orgasmic, ease pain during sex (for both genders) as well as make your solo sex life more satisfying and give you the capacity to feel more connected to the people around you.
Guys – Are you having a hard time getting it up or keeping it up in a group sex situation? If so this is totally normal and something you can work through.
As a sex coach and swinger I know that for many people the thought or desire to be in a group sex situation can be very erotic. The challenge is that we usually don’t have many situations like this in our real life so we can be surprised how challenging it is to actually take advantage of these situations when they arise. I have many people come to my classes extremely excited about the group practice time only to be frustrated because it doesn’t work out they way they thought.
It is possible to work through this. Most things we do are habitual and if you have a habit of having sex in one or two ways it may be difficult to enjoy sex in other ways or circumstances. In order to work through this you need to practice getting to know your body better and following erotic energy more than using a set pattern that you know will work to bring you to climax. That set pattern will not work under all circumstances whereas following the erotic energy will.
Because erotic energy is subtle and body based many of us need to practice sensing it in order to have access to it. This is where I come in as a sex coach.
I work with you to become more mindful in your solo sex or partner sex activities.
I will witness you in solo or partner sex if that seems to be beneficial to reaching your sexological goals.
I’m able to accompany you to swinger clubs to coach you in real time to feel the flow of erotic energy in a group setting.
To be clear – I do not masturbate or have sex with you. I do not touch you in any of these circumstances. I guide you verbally in ways that will help you to key in to the flow of erotic energy. Through exercises and homework practices I teach you to become more and more sensitive to the subtle sensations that feel so so good.
Email or text me to set up a time to talk about working with me so you can enjoy group sex situations to their fullest!
P.S. I work with people from around the world as an online sex coach. With the telephone and skype there are few limitations. For people in Las Vegas I’m happy to provide in person sex coaching. Also a disclaimer – although working with me can be very therapeutic I am not a sex therapist or marriage counselor. If there are issues beyond my area of expertise I will require that you seek treatment from the appropriate professionals in order to get the most out of our work together.
To bridge the gap between the masculine “how” and the feminine “what”. I’ve suggested this tool to several clients over the last couple weeks with great success.
Many of us are verbally abusive or violent with our partners and we don’t even realize it. We dominate, manipulate, and give guilt trips in order to communicate how we feel. We can use passive aggressiveness, aggressive aggressiveness, sarcasm, stonewalling and more to try to convey when we are upset.
Usually, this causes the other person to become defensive, and we all know the best defense is a good offense. So they strike back at us, verbally, and the situation escalates. If this was happening with physical violence we would never tolerate it. Since it’s verbal though many of us turn a blind eye.
I don’t agree with everything taught in Non Violent Communication but I think a lot of it is useful. Often times people have a really hard time getting vulnerable and sharing what is really going on. It may have been so long that there is barely any trust left with their partner. This is a feminine and messy and can be really hard to reach. The structure in the Non Violent Communication gives a masculine container to use to express our emotions and wild feminine vulnerability.
If you are having a difficult time expressing feelings and being vulnerable definitely check this site out for some resources.
It’s Anal August once again and I have some fun stuff to share.
I have an excellent full color pdf on the Art of Anal Pleasure that you can sign up for at right here ===>
You will also get a series of emails directly to your inbox with tips about anal pleasure. Please email me any questions you have so I can include that answer in my email tips.
At NikkisLessons.com I’ll be working on updating the Anal section – making it easier to use and adding new content. Please let me know if you are in Las Vegas and would like to volunteer to be in a video. Ideally I’d like to show more work with couples and also more diversity in my videos.
Live In Las Vegas
Learn To Give A Safe And Sensual Erotic Massage at The Art Of Anal Pleasure Interactive Demo & Lecture
Friday, August 19, 2016
Will be held at a Private Residence Near South Eastern and the 215, Las Vegas, NV
If you are always looking for ways to be a better lover then this class is for you. Sex Coach Nikki will be teaching an interactive class as well as performing a complete live demonstration. This will be followed by optional guided practice.
The number one concern for most people interested in anal pleasure is how to keep it healthy and safe. Included with this class is a series of emails and videos where I will teach you step by step how to keep things clean, and how to prepare for giving or receiving anal stimulation. I will also be available to talk about any questions or concerns that come up.
Anal pleasure done right is definitely an art. I look forward to performing for you and teaching you the beauty that is possible.
Have questions answered regarding:
•How to locate the prostate
•How to massage the anal sphincters for relaxation and pleasure
•How to use a strap on
•How to make sure to keep everything healthy and safe
•Much, much more…
You will leave knowing
•how to talk about anal stimulation with your partner
•how to stay healthy and safe
•how to create a safe space for any emotions that come up to be expressed
•how to deeply relax the body so it can open up and receive
•the anatomy of the anal area
•effective communication strategies for intimacy
•specific ways to tease and please the anus in particular and the entire human body in general
7:00 – Doors open 7:15 – Class begins. Doors are locked. No late arrivals allowed. 8:30 – Break 8:45 – Optional Guided Practice Begins 9:45 – Close Class
A note about the optional guided practice – I am implementing a policy that a telephone conversation is to be had if at all possible with every class attendee to discuss the upcoming class so I can tailor the experience to the people who will be present. If I cannot speak with you in advance I will not be able to include you in the guided practice portion of the event.
Some things to know:
•The practice session will be clothing optional.
•This is not an orgy or party atmosphere.
•This is a safe space that will allow participants to become completely aware of their body and their erotic energy.
•You must participate in the practice to stay in the room.
—Included in your registration for this class is the Group Sex Class And Optional Play Time that directly follows. Click here to see more.
Early Bird Registration Until 8/16/2016
$20 for singles
$30 for couples and poly pods
$35 for singles
$45 for couples and poly pods
This will be an alcohol free event.
No money will be accepted at the door. Click here to register.
The hardest part of “coming out” was to acknowledge and accept that I am not monogamous to myself. I felt a lot of judgment for myself because of the stories/programming/conditioning I had around what monogamy and non-monogamy meant. Their meaning didn’t match up to my definition of self and that meant I was going to be out of integrity with myself – and for me that is like being in purgatory. I have to be right with myself first or nothing else works.
Here are the characteristics that came with monogamy according to my conditioning: a person who is monogamous is caring, loyal, loving, dependable, reliable, humble, trustworthy. They are able to put the needs of the many before the needs of the individual and therefore are also more generous, fair and civil minded than others. These characteristics would also manifest in every other area of their life so that a monogamous person will also have a great work ethic, contribute to society, always take care of their own family and so on and so forth.
On the other hand, I had the belief that the characteristics of a non-monogamous person: dishonest, selfish, self centered, careless, driven by lust, couldn’t care about family or bonds. They would put their own needs ahead of anyone else’s at whatever cost to the other people as long as they were satisfied. These people were not to be trusted or relied upon under any circumstances. They would suck others into their deceitful manipulative lifestyle any chance they got.
So you can see how I had a hard time accepting being non-monogamous. I did my best to practice the values of the monogamous person. A part of me was dying inside because I wasn’t being true to myself. I couldn’t reconcile the differences between how I felt inside (non-monogamous) and the kind of life I wanted to live (positive and generative). It is only through experiencing acceptance, tolerance, love and approval from others and myself that I have been able to see that these definitions have nothing to do with reality. They have to do with social norms, control, repression, and shame.
My husband and I began living a polyamorous lifestyle in spring of 2013. We are consensually non-monogamous. We both date casually as well as carrying on serious romantic commitments with others. We agree to always let each other know where we are, to make sure our daughter is taken care of as a team, and to use condoms of vaginal and anal penetration unless otherwise agreed upon.
Things weren’t always this way. We married in 2004 and set about fitting into our roles of husband and wife. This included monogamy. The journey from there to here has been full of struggles and surprises and I know my experience can shed some light on your path – not to help you avoid the growing pains but to support you in moving through them and alchemizing them into success.
In life we experience many continuums – in numbers, health, and economics to name a few. Sexuality and gender identity also operate on a continuum. For example, people can identify anywhere from 100% homosexual to 100% heterosexual, from 100% cisgender to 100% transgender, and from 100% monogamous to 100% open/polyamorous. Where people land on the spectrum as individuals is not always a fixed point and for some people this point of identification may be more fluid than for others.
It is all well and good to know about the different ways a person can identify intellectually but when you or someone you know are working through the process of self-identification practically it can be very challenging for them and all those around them. Love, tolerance, acceptance and approval are values that are the most useful in these situations. Also very important are good communication, honesty and healthy boundaries.
I have found there are 2 times the process of identification is the most painful. One is when you are going through and figuring things out for yourself and your experience isn’t lining up with what you want or expect it to be. The other is when someone you are in a relationship with changes how they identify and their new location on the continuum in incompatible in the current configuration of your relationship.
Both are heart wrenching in different ways but some of the same solutions will work for both problems. In the upcoming blogs I will share about my personal journey, what I learned and how you can apply it in your own life.
When trying something new as a couple it’s ideal for both to get coaching together. Also, the habits of each persons solo sex will effect the couple’s partner sex.
Couples Sex Coach Session For Christmas Part 3
He lay on the bed on his back and I sat between his knees. We talked about his masturbation habits and techniques. He masturbates several times a week using porn. I saw how he was touching himself while I was working with his girlfriend. He used a strong grip and aggressive jacking motions. I explained that not many pussies would be able to re-create that type of intense stimulation. He would need to change his habits in order to become sensitized for the gentler feeling of vaginal penetration. Even for anal sex where the sphincter is tighter he will need to go slowly at first and that could make his erection wane. On top of all that they want to use condoms for birth control and since condoms can also decrease sensation he needed to get his cock more sensitive to subtle stimulation.
Using my hand and lube I gently massaged his cock somewhat simulating the way a pussy would feel. He was not able to become fully erect because the lack of stimulation – both visual and physical. That’s the other thing about having the habit of using pornography to masturbate – partner sex is usually not as visually sensational. A person may have no problem becoming aroused and climaxing with porn but with their partner they may be unable to and this is why. I explained to him that not only does he need to become more sensitive to gentler stimulation but he also needs to become more in touch with his body and physical stimulation in general so he won’t be reliant upon visual stimulation. I asked him if he had ever done PC muscle exercises and he said no. I explained that with strong pelvic floor muscles he could consciously pump more blood into his dick and his erection would also be stronger and thicker.
In light of all this information I suggested he enroll in my 30 day self pleasure program which outlines a routine for becoming more sensate focused and strengthening the PC muscles.