Releasing Shame

Releasing ShameThere are many layers to shame.  The definition of shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

We, as humans, have some basic instincts that make us susceptible to shame. First, we are very motivated by pain! We want to avoid it at almost any cost. Second, we are social creatures, so we want to do things that help us to be part of society. Loneliness can also be painful, so that instinct to be social is a double whammy. Those two instincts are enough to drive us into doing whatever we have to do and behaving however we are “supposed to” in order to “be a part of.”

I believe that one of the best ways to control a person is to control their sex. By making certain activities wrong or foolish, institutions such as religion, government, and even our family of origin can exert control over us, making us behave according to specific criteria, whether we agree with it or not. Many times we don’t even know to question our beliefs about what is right or not because we are so thoroughly conditioned. Then, when we have divergent or unconventional desires, we feel shame, pain, and distress because we are going against everything we have been taught, and we face the pain of exile and loneliness.

Shame has more power over us in isolation and secrecy. When we are inside our minds and feeling bad, then we can build up a negative feedback loop about how bad we are, that what we want is wrong and that if we ever get found out, we will be ostracized and alone. Society’s messages constantly reinforce these ideas adding to the negative self-judgment. The more a person is embedded in the social machine, the more they have to lose by wanting so-called wrong and foolish things.

In the modern day and age, things are changing as communication is improving, and people can connect and discuss things more freely. As more people confide in each other that they feel shame, the shame is released. The more each individual is out and open about what they want and need, the more it gets normalized. Sometimes this happens in small private groups, sometimes at a public level.

Being witnessed is the fasted way of releasing shame. I believe this is why people who practice alternative lifestyles, such as nudism, swinging, and kink in community have so much freedom. By practicing what is usually deemed inappropriate and being seen and accepted, possibly even encouraged, the layers of programming and judgment melt away. It’s just not possible to be ashamed of your nakedness when you are walking around nude and being wholly accepted precisely as you are.

One challenge that the many people face is that the leap from the conventional lifestyle to any alternative lifestyle is enormous, and they don’t know where to start. Also, as everyone falls in different places along the spectrum, an individual may be experiencing shame but not have any desire to be in a group or semi-public situation such as a nudist resort or lifestyle event.

That is where individual or private witnessing comes in to play. A witness is someone who can see you in whatever state you have shame around and hold space. To hold space means to be present, keep attention on the activity at hand, and to express acceptance and approval. Ideally, the witness has some experience with holding a lot of sensation as it can be very intense for a person to be working through all their layers of shame and possible self-hatred and judgmental thoughts. The witness needs to be able to set aside personal opinions and be present emotionally and energetically for the witnessed person.

As a witness, I suspend my own opinions and judgment. I take in what is happening and allow my inner observer to be the dominant voice in my mind. Any reactions, thoughts, or opinions are relegated to the back burner to be processed later. I take in the individual, what they are doing, and experiencing as completely as possible. If they get stuck, I may ask questions or make statements in the spirit of keeping them present and aligned with their goal.

Before a witnessing session, we clarify goals. We do our best to identify the specifics of the shame and pain, such as where it came from and how it’s affected the life of the one I’m witnessing. We clarify our intentions for the session and set a timer. And then they do what it is to move through the sensations of shame and more while I hold space. After the timer goes off, we debrief. We discuss the experience and the emotions of the witnessed one. In the event of intense emotions or trauma coming up, we talk or journal or do other practices for soothing and decompression.

If you have shame to release and would like to be witnessed, please let me know. It can be incorporated into your coaching package. If you would like to learn to witness people or hold space for your partner, I can help you develop that skill as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s OK To Feel Overwhelmed

It’s OK to feel overwhelmed.

It’s Ok to feel. Overwhelmed.

It’s OK. Feel overwhelmed.

OK, feel overwhelmed.

 

And just like that, I felt much better!

Sometimes it’s hard to make a decision. There are so many choices and so many things to consider. The thought of adding one more thing to life can be completely overwhelming when, on a daily basis, the to-do list is not getting done.

The basics – making money, taking care of kids, managing food and bills. Then the next level – taking care of self – exercise, nutrition, mental and emotional health. Then the top-level – dreams, desires, aspirations, fun, pleasure. It often feels like there is just no room for these top-level things once all the time is used up for the mid-level and base level needs.

There’s just too much – too much to do, too much to take care of, too many obligations, too many choices. Of course, we feel overwhelmed!

Realize that if you are in this situation, it’s ok to be overwhelmed. We want to do the right things and do them the right way. There is so much pressure to perform and produce and to be happy and fulfilled. We have a sense of urgency and compression to make all our marks, to be good. Then, we feel sensation and emotion, and it’s too much to handle, and it’s not part of our game plan to be having any problems. What follows is self-judgment, trying to stop feeling. Stop messing up. Stop being messy. These thoughts and judgments are additional pressure we are putting on ourselves.

And that is where you can start to unwind the overwhelm. Allow yourself to feel it. Feel the emotion of being overwhelmed. Let the tears come. Feel the sensations of being overwhelmed. The pain of a full to bursting heart, the heaviness in the chest, the buzzing in the mind, the tightness in the stomach. Feel every sensation as much as you can. Notice your judgment of it. Notice how critical you are of yourself. You may think you should not feel this way, but the fact is you do feel it, and that thought is a subjective evaluation you can choose to let go of. You may think you should be able to handle it all, but again, that is a subjective opinion. And it’s making you unhappy. See if you can let it go. Thank your brain for its opinion and let it go. It’s not serving you.

Keep giving yourself permission to feel the sensations in your body and cry if you like. See if you can truly begin to separate the sensation from the story. All the judgments and criticisms are just stories you are telling yourself. You are making them up based on your beliefs and programming. You can choose to make up different stories for yourself.

For example, maybe there is a part of you that is feeling terrified — terrified of making the wrong decision — terrified of making a mistake. You are terrified of causing hardship for you and your family. Well, then, of course, that part of you is trying to protect you. And you keep ignoring it, ignoring what it’s trying to tell you. The inner turmoil is a sign that you need to get quiet and evaluate some things. You need to listen to that part of yourself and see – are the fears real or imagined? Are there ways to mitigate the negative possibilities? If bad things happen, will you be able to recover? You need to work with yourself to comfort and take care of your concerns.

This process will clarify if making a change or taking on something new is truly too much – at least for right now. You may find that certain circumstances need to be in place or changed for you to not have so much on your plate. This evaluation is reasonable. One person can only do so much. It’s ok to give yourself a break and focus on the next correct step.

If the only thing holding you back is fear of failure, then you can decide how you will deal with the defeat. You can grieve the loss of your potential success. You can look at it as a learning opportunity. There are tons of ways you can put a positive spin on going for what you want and not succeeding.

Go with the flow. Feel your feelings. Listen to yourself.

 

Living With Integrity

alternative life coach, polyamorous life coach, sex positive life coachOne of the major drivers in my life is integrity; Specifically integrity with myself. For me, integrity encompasses self-reflection, self-honesty, and humility. I’m writing about it because I have come to realize I’ve gotten out of integrity with myself. I’ve changed and grown. However, I’m still acting on old decisions and plans. I figured this out because of deep self-reflection and introspection. I’ve had to ask in many different ways questions like “what’s wrong,” “what do I REALLY want,” “what am I ok with,” “how much risk am I willing to take,” etc. I’ve also had to do somatic work, feeling different sensations in my body, asking what they are trying to tell me. I’ve also done some shadow integration work. I can feel I’ve barely scratched the surface with these last two.

Why am I doing all this work? Because of my health and my pleasure (or lack of it) in my body. I started on a journey to get healthy in January of 2018. In October of 2017, I was told by a doctor that I would be looking at getting a hip transplant soon, and there was no other choice besides pain management. I was devastated as I was only 38 at the time.

Since then, I’ve faced other significant life challenges, one being the possibility of going to prison. That gave me a whole additional layer of motivation to get healthy as I could not walk up a flight of stairs, and I feared for my safety if I was going to have to go to prison.

I’ve done so well in the last 20 months (right now its November 2019) – lost 55 lbs, gained mobility and strength, kept my business running, stayed connected with my immediate family and friends. The thing is, now that the worst seems to be behind me, I am still struggling with motivation and inspiration. That has made me turn to assess what I am doing in my life to see if I’m still in alignment with all of it. Some of it yes, some of it, no, and some of it partially. Yes, I’m entirely grateful not to be facing the possibility of going to prison or having to live in a wheelchair. And somehow, that is not enough. I know that I’ve experienced genuine excitement and high energy in my life, and I want it back. That is why I’m sharing this now.

I’m creating something new. I’m not even sure what it will look like, but this is my first swing at it. I’m letting go of what is not bringing me joy at all and working toward only doing what feels truly good.

One of the definitions of integrity is the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction. When I operate my life with integrity, I benefit from the feeling of being unified internally. When you make choices that maintain your personal structure, you don’t have to deal with the inner conflict, dissonance, and turmoil that could ultimately tear you apart.

Another definition of integrity is the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles, i.e., moral uprightness. Figuring out what is correct, righteous, and ethical for you is where self-reflection and introspection come in to play. How are you going to know if what you are doing is right for you if you do not stop and ask yourself? This level of honesty does take lots of courage, as you might find you have changed. You may have made decisions that once were in alignment, but now you have changed, and you have to make a new decision. Getting back into alignment might mean you have to undo things in your life. Undoing and restructuring will affect you for sure and might affect others. Many people (and me for a long time) avoid looking at things to avoid having to make these changes. We are too afraid. Too chicken. And too lazy.

Are you the type of person that when you find a problem you want to fix it? Does living dishonestly suck the life out of you? Then you are a lot like me. Changing will mean work and possibly accepting humility as there is a part of you that identifies with your previous decisions and commitments. That part of you is going to resist change at all costs.   That part of you will not want to die or be re-defined. It’s happy precisely the way it is and will do all kinds of dirty mental and physiological tricks to stay alive. But you are not your ego. You will never know unless you slow down and take a look.

If you feel like you are out of integrity and you have suspicions that you might need to make decisions, but you don’t know where to start or how to navigate the process, let me know if you would like some help. I’ve gone through this process before, and I’ve helped others through the years. Sometimes having a guide, cheerleader, or accountability partner makes all the difference.

How To Come Down Pleasurably With Mindful Practice

come down from sexual and emotional highs with mindful practices with sex coach nikkiIn this mindful erotic exploration article I’ll cover:

  • What is “Coming Down”?
  • How does it relate to sex?
  • How you can “come down” pleasurably.

What is “Coming Down”

During the holiday season there are lots of emotional up’s and down’s. Most people go through these unconsciously and feel as though things are just happening to them. Once you start being mindful you can see how you can make choices about how you come down from being emotionally high. Some examples of going high would be gathering with friends that you love, seeing people enjoy your hard work cooking in the kitchen, spending time with your lover cocooned up in a romantic getaway, going to a convention (this is called “con drop”), end of the year work celebrations, etc.

How “Coming Down” Relates To Sex

You can compare it to the arousal cycle. First comes flirting, building anticipation, making plans and feeling the attraction. This is all building up the energy and motivating you to move forward toward the encounter. Then, you get to make out. You take your time enjoying the build-up. You explore, tease and titillate getting the most you can out of every activity you do. You may experience many peaks and valleys during your love making and you may even climax. Whenever you feel complete and stop stimulation there is a period where you come down.

This is usually the time for cuddling and talking. You don’t generally jump out of bed and get back to work unless you absolutely have to.  It’s nice to give yourself time to let the experience you just had sink in to your body. You may have to sleep a bit or eat something.  After a while you will feel more normal, you will come back into homeostasis.

Coming down from emotional highs in life can be very similar. Unfortunately, most people don’t give themselves the time and space to come down pleasurably. It’s as though they want to jump up out of bed and get right back to work without giving their bodies a chance to recover from such an intense experience.  What happens when you do jump right out of bed to get back to work? You go to work hungry and sleepy. It’s difficult to make good decisions and be as productive as possible.

You Will “Come Down” One Way Or Another

The problem is – you will come down one way or another.  Just like coming down from sex, coming down from the emotional highs of life experiences can be pleasurable or rough. You come down hard/rough when you can’t make good decisions and since you’re sleepy you make mistakes. The way this manifests is picking arguments with your partner, having accidents, making life decisions that aren’t the best, getting overly intoxicated, etc.

How To “Come Down” Pleasurably

Now that you know about coming down from emotional highs you can be mindful about coming down pleasurably. After your event or experience give yourself the time and space to come down and get back to normal. Good things to do during this time are eating healthy meals, watching funny movies, taking hot baths (especially with epsom salt), debriefing/reviewing your event with a friend or counselor, even making love and reconnecting with yourself and your partner. Also, just being aware that you are coming down will help you to notice if you are doing something like picking a fight or making bad decisions.

Above all else, be gentle with yourself.  Try to notice your behavior without judging or criticizing yourself.  Know that changing your habits can take time.  That’s why this is part of a mindfulness practice – practice being the key word – where we can make progress.

Click here to check out more articles for more ideas about mindful erotic practices.

If you would like more support around coming down pleasurably or any other topic that is within my area of expertise please do not hesitate to reach out.  Click here to find out more about working with me.

Happy Holidays!
Sex Coach Nikki

Happy Anal August from Sex Coach Nikki!

I love teaching the art of anal pleasure and how to have anal sex almost as much as I enjoy giving and receiving it!   

Anal and prostate massage are some of my specialties.

With my background as a masseuse I have hundreds of hours of experience with anal massage and prostate massage (aka prostate milking).  I also believe putting on a strap-on and using it as a prosthetic dick is the best way to practice pegging.

People enjoy anal stimulation for a variety of reasons.  Some people enjoy it because of the sensations, others because of the power exchange.  I also recommend to always give some attention to the anus during oral sex.  There is nothing like the feeling of a tongue on your rosebud!

I am available to teach all about anal pleasure to singles, couples and small groups.  Yes, I can facilitate a class on anal sex!  I’m also happy to join your bachelor or bachelorette party to share this info in a fun and playful way with all the guys or gals.  For singles and couples I can work with you in person in Las Vegas or online anywhere in the world.

Text me to set up a time to talk about it at 7026746606

3 Things To Do When You Have No Time For Sex

Are you stressed out because you or your partner don’t have enough time for true intimacy and connection?  As a sex coach I hear about it all the time from people who attend my classes – their sex is great, when they get to have it.  They make the time to do something special together here and there (like go to my class) but they never make the time to practice what they learned in the class.  I’ve found that time management tools can work just as well for having an abundant sex life as they do for being productive in business.

  1. Cultivate your mindset so you can have more sexy time.

The first thing to change is your mindset.  There is a prayer I often say when I’m trying something new, “Please help me set aside everything I know and everything I think I know so that I may have an open mind for a new experience.”  The more you repeat ‘I don’t have time’ the more you won’t have time.  Let that thought go and think instead ‘how can I find time?’.  Then your brain will go to work finding time do have erotic practices and sex.

  1. Get tools to help you make time for your inner sexy beast.

Next, you need tools.  The thinking that got you into this situation will not get you out of it.  Below is a sign up box to get a chapter of my book for free that has lots of ideas about how to make more time in your life – not only for sex but for your entire quality of life.  Just think – with better time management habits you could become more focused and productive, finally have a way to do things you’ve been putting off, and even be more available for friends and family when they need you.

  1. Be easy on your sexy self.

Making changes is never easy, even when they are good ones.  Know that by reading articles like this and checking new things out means you are on the right path and chances are you are doing more than most.  Keep that momentum going and sign up for the free chapter.  You will get some other tools and goodies as well to guide you on your path of erotic exploration.  If after reading it and using the other tools I send you things are still tough then definitely consider going to couples counseling , a sex therapist or using a sex coach to support you.

     

    How your beliefs can hurt you during anal sex with Anal Sex Coach Nikki

    Are you wondering how your belief system could actually hurt you during anal sex?

    I’m Sex Coach Nikki http://NikkiLundberg.com. I find the number one reason people are experiencing pain during anal sex or even thinking anal sex is because of their belief system around it.

    This is one of the areas I really work through with my clients – looking at what their belief systems are around anal pleasure and anal sex.

    We all have beliefs and programming around what it means to enjoy anal pleasure and even about the anal area in general.

    Most of these beliefs were learned from our family, religion and culture.

    One way out family can influence us is as a baby during potty-training often the parents and family will use phrases like “ooh yuckey bottom”, and “clean your butt” and we’re repeatedly shamed over and over as a little baby.

    One of the ways our culture influences us is by first off being anti-homosexual but secondly by correlating anal pleasure for me with homosexuality.

    The way religion can influence your beliefs around sex is by teaching that sex is only for procreation.

    You don’t want to have anal sex because that’s not going to cause procreation and it’s definitely for pleasure only.

    These types of beliefs lead to viewing anal pleasure as dirty, perverted, naughty and nasty.

    Often people can get an erotic thrill out of being a “bad boy” or “bad girl” and that’s great!

    But for those who don’t and feel shame and guilt about the way they enjoy their bodies these beliefs need to be examined.

    Also, people who want to be “good” are potentially missing out on a lot of pleasure.

    In fact I just had this session with a gentleman and his body responded so beautifully to the prostate massage and I was able to milk him and everything but afterward he’s like “I’m not sure if I liked” it even though his body loved it!

    It was mental about his beliefs!

    What I recommend and what I do is my clients is to walk through and actually look at what your beliefs are.

    One way to do this is to keep asking “so what does that mean” and find out what meanings anal sex and anal pleasure have for you.

    Once you start figuring out what it means to you internally then you can ask “is this belief supporting me?”.

    One of the biggest things I hear from couples is that one partner wants to try something and the other one does not want to.

    This is where we would ask “are these beliefs still supporting you? Are they you helping you actually move forward in your life and in your relationship?”

    When one partner wants to explore and experience things and they just they’re running up against brick wall that can cause a lot of damage to the relationship.

    Just because one partner is not into something doesn’t mean that the other partner should go without (in my opinion).

    If you do examine your beliefs and anal sex is still is a no-go then you two can start looking at other options as far as experiences go.

    I would love to hear if you do any kind of work to uncover your beliefs and if you’re surprised at what they are.

    As far as my personal journey, when I started playing around with anal stimulation I had a lot of concern about how it looked how it smelled and I was I was very concerned.

    I found out very quickly though that there are plenty of ways to be clean.

    When my concerns are about how it looks I have to remember – it’s how it looks as what it is. A butthole looks like a butthole. And if your partner likes buttholes, then they are going to like how it looks.

    Are your muscles causing you pain during anal sex? With Anal Sex Coach Nikki

    Are your muscles causing you pain during anal sex?

    Hi I’m Sex Coach Nikki and I have been doing sensual and erotic massage for nine years. I can tell you that tight pelvic floor muscles are the number one cause of pain during any kind of anal sex or stimulation.

    One way to test your anal and pelvic floor muscles

    Sit down on something firm and see if you can squeeze your anus. Squeeze your anal sphincter muscles and see if you can feel your butt moving and does it hurt? Does it feel uncomfortable? Then the next thing to do is push from the inside out and push down toward the surface you’re sitting on and you should feel movement. If you do not feel movement then that means that your muscles are kind of locked. It means your tight ass (laughing).

    It’s easy to fix this. You just need to do some self massage or go see a masseuse. Not a regular massage therapistclock face for anal sex pleasure mapping sex coach nikki – they cannot work in this area it is not legal but there are some physical therapists who will work in the anal area. Definitely do what’s right for you as far as what feels good for you.

    A better way to test your anal muscles and self massage techniques

    Go in the shower with nice warm water and lather up your hands and then (usually using the hand you wipe with because that’s how your back bends easiest. If you’re right-handed use your right hand) start massaging in your anal area.

    You’re going to massage your undercarriage and feel for the muscles up and down your butt crack, around your anus and then also all the way around the sphincters. Notice how tight or relaxed they can are.

    Imagine the face of a clock on your anus with 12 o’clock being straight towards the tailbone.  Using your fingertip put some pressure against your butthole at each spot on the clock.  Stay at each spot for one breath and make mental note how the muscle feels.

    Once you go around the outside, penetrate with your fingertip as far as is comfortable.  Push with firm pressure at each spot on “the clock” pausing for a breath and again noting how the muscle feels.

    This is going to be a really great self massage to start relaxing your anal muscles and it’s something you can easily do every day in the shower.

    As you get more accustomed to this massage you’ll gain control over your anal muscles and you’ll start learning how to relax them.

    You’ll be able to penetrate more deeply eventually penetrating up to your first and then your second knuckle. At each depth you do the same thing – pause for a breath and massage all the points on the clock.

    Having a hard time reaching your anus?

    Your ability to do this in the shower depends also on how flexible you are. I’m a little bit of a thicker girl so I can’t reach a whole lot standing up. If that’s how you are then you want to move on to the bed to lay down and twist. Make sure to incorporate a lot of lube. In the shower you’re using the soap and that lubricates the area for you but when you’re on your bed you want to use lube.

    As long as you’re not about to have sex with a condom you can use almost anything for lube. You can go in the kitchen and get some olive oil or coconut oil. Any kind of oil is fine as long as you’re not about to use a condom.

    I hope I gave you some good ideas on getting your muscles relaxed in your anal area and that is probably going to help you have a lot more pleasure during anal sex!

    Want to go deeper learning about anal sex?

    Sign up for my free email series at https://www.mcssl.com/WebForms/WebForm.aspx?wid=6d040196-f195-42b7-9e30-bdc261e8aff9

    Romance, Polyamory and Personal Integrity

    Romance is the most tender part of many people’s lives and often the most difficult to talk about.  This is where we can feel most vulnerable – not only personally but also as a unit with our loves (both family and romantic). We feel like we have so much judgement on ourselves and others – usually negative judgement – it’s easiest to ignore any issues or problems.  People also share about this area the least because we don’t want it to negatively affect people we are with.

    I have valuable and powerful experiences with relationships and polyamory that I can share.  I often draw on my own life experiences when I’m coaching rather than theory.  I also work well with people who are seeing therapists for couples counseling.  Working in a triad (you, me and your therapist) is a powerful approach for better communication in your relationship.

    Here is a personal example: I’m talking with my boyfriend about the possibility of dating other men and how that would look. I recognize my programming around relationships all supports monogamy.  Monogamy is like the default and the way of least resistance – easy to fall into and not think. However, it’s not honest for me to try to make a monogamous relationship work – to make it conform to meet my needs.  It’s important to have integrity with myself and live in a way that supports me and those around me as much as possible.  Just because I identify as polyamorous doesn’t mean that in practice I am honoring that part of myself.

    When I work with people I help them identify their beliefs and programing and to consider if those beliefs are serving them.  I guide them to look at behaviors and reactions that come from running on auto-pilot and look for ways to be more awake, aware and conscious.  This is how I support people to make decisions from a place of love vs. a place of unconsciousness.

    Send me an email if you would like to talk about working through some of your beliefs and programming so you can make decisions that keep you in integrity with yourself.

    Warmly,
    Nikki
    Sex Coach
    Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com

    Connection Thru Masturbation

    masturbation coaching with sex coach NikkiConnection and wanting to feel connected are high on everyone’s list.  These are also potential benefits of mindful masturbation!

    How does this happen?

    When you create a mindful masturbation practice (with or without masturbation coaching) you begin to sensitize yourself to more subtle physical stimulation.  Part of sensitizing yourself is improving your attention (both the quality of your attention as well as the quantity or span).  This sensitivity to subtle sensations and improved attention shows up in all areas of your life.  You will be more likely to pick up on subtle cues and clues from those around you to know what they are trying to communicate and how they are feeling.

    If you are interested in working with a sex coach online or a sex coach in Las Vegas you should set up an exploratory session with Sex Coach Nikki. Exploratory sessions are free. Email her at Nikki@NikkiLundberg.com or text her at 702.674.6606 to schedule a time for an initial chat.

    Although Nikki is not a licensed sex therapist working with her is very therapeutic and could have many benefits for your sex life and your sexual health. She coaches in person, over the phone and on skype.  Masturbation coaching is her favorite tool!  Masturbation done mindfully and with purpose can help improve libido, give you control over premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation, lead to becoming multi-orgasmic, ease pain during sex (for both genders) as well as make your solo sex life more satisfying and give you the capacity to feel more connected to the people around you.